Note: Well, Sexy Patriots, we lost our temper yesterday. And we’re not even a little sorry. We are not yet through Natalie Week and we’re already seeing chickenshit Democratic consultants’ genitals shrivel up and fall off because they’re worried this was below the belt. To those consultants, we say eat shit, fuck off and kiss our asses. We ain’t doing the high road anymore. And we don’t care if that makes things weird for you and your friend Scott Jennings…

Boo-fucking-hoo, Axe. The more we watch people like Axlerod and Rahm, the more shocked we are that Barack Obama had any success at all with such gutless centrists holding him back. Well fuck that and fuck them. This is a new world. It’s a world of monsters and Epstein Island and dead little Iranian girls. It’s a world where Renee Good and Alex Pretti get murdered in the street by masked government thugs. It’s a world far outside of a CNN studio, and it’s a scary goddamn place. We need our people to fight. And we need them to be able to fight without taking shit from their own pearl-clutching side on cable news.

So Axe, either get on board or shut the fuck up. Our party is demanding fighters because we are in a fight for the very soul of our nation. If that feels a little icky, well, too bad. We frankly don’t give a damn if your next beltway cocktail party is a little awkward of if you just go fuck off and shit in your hat. This here is a fighting party, and the wimps can see themselves out. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: We know we’ve been absolute assholes about doing therapy. We’ve been squeezing in summer and getting ready to go back to school, and we’re sorry. So we’re planning a big one for tomorrow. We’ll keep you posted!

Note three: Human garbage Elon Leon Musk has now decided that the scum who murdered George Floyd should be freed. Remember when people weren’t sure if the nazi salute guy was a racist? More: WOWT

Note four: Michael Cohen is back with Trump. This is why we can’t trust former Trumpers or shit-eating scumbags. More: Politico

Note five: Susan Collins really did misspell Maine in a fundraising email. Yikes.

Note six: Natalie Harp is the gatekeeper to the president of the United States and she didn’t even have a goddamn security clearance. More: MS Now

Note seven: We’ve always known that Randy Fine is a scumbag. But we didn’t know he was the kind of scumbag who roots through people’s mailboxes. Seems like the kind of dude who has definitely stolen women’s underwear from a laundromat. More: HuffPost

Note eight: U.S. Airman Jason Watson isn’t afraid, and he isn’t stopping. This is the kind of courage we think of when we think of what makes this country great. Thank you, Jason! More: The Hill

Note nine: If we had a real president and a real news media, then you might know that your fellow Americans in Hawaii have been going through hell. We’re sending love and aloha. Y’all hang in there! More: The Guardian

Note 10: Gayle King really, really sucks. Democrats going on CBS need to know they are going on a GOP channel, and they should prep accordingly.

Note 11: Jon Ossoff went on tv last night and said “no one cares” about all the whining out of the White House. We might have developed a bit of a man-crush here. More: HuffPost

Note 12: We’re not super smart about the bond market, but we know this shit ain’t good. More: NBC News

Note 13: We’re not saving this for the Happy Ending because it was getting repetitive, but congrats to Rosie on her ratings bonanza. This will make Trump crap ketchup.

Note 14: LOL. You’ll never believe it, but the MyPillow asshole is crashing out. Is he the only person in history who was probably cooler and smarter when he was smoking crack? More: NBC News

Note 15: It really should be a bigger deal that the president of the United States is trying to put an American man in prison for 10 years based on a very, very obvious lie. More: NBC News

Note 16: Sean Duffy is worried what would happen to his daughter at Harvard. Yeah, it ain’t like the family-friendly den of horrors that is Fox News. More: HuffPost

Note 17: We love that Trump wants to be Mr. Data Center. When is he going to build some around Mar-a-Lago?

Note 18: Will we follow LeBron to Philly? The DNC has narrowed down its choices for the 2028 convention, and City of Brotherly Love is on there next to Boston and Denver. More: AP

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we want to wish all the teachers, parents and students a happy Back-to-School season. We hope y’all have a great school year. And since Sam’s late mother was a PE teacher, we just absolutely love this…

Note 20: And on that fun but slightly traumatizing note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all are having an amazing week. Unless you’re a Democratic strategist who hates Democrats. Then you can just fuck right off. Love y’all!

Secretary Mrs. Hegseth

We have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that Pete Hegseth doesn’t seem to be in charge at the Pentagon. The bad news is that Pete Hegseth doesn’t seem to be in charge at the Pentagon. The New York Times has a story about the “bonkers” role that Jennifer Hegseth plays in her husband’s job. As fucked up as this is, we can’t blame her for this asshole being out campaigning while he’s losing a war and murdering little girls. But it sure is fucked up!

More: New York Times, The Independent

$40 Trillion

Yesterday, the U.S. national debt hit $40 trillion. On the same day, the president of the United States took the press on a tour of all the remodeling he’s doing at the White House. He even took a minute to install some gold coins and his signature on the new helipad. So yeah, the same dumbfuck who let a drugged out South African take a chainsaw to our federal government in the name of savings is now spending money like its water as the debt hits records and it gets more expensive for the rest of us to borrow. What kind of idiot country would believe that Republicans give a damn about spending?

More: AP

Six Sucky Months

Remember that war we won? Well it’s been going on for almost six months. And an increasingly delusional and desperate president is running out of tough talking Truth Social posts to convince Americans that he knows what he’s doing. His latest idea is “economic D-Day” that will supposedly isolate and cripple Iran financially. Sure, bro. As long as you don’t count North Korea, China and Russia. Trump fucked up big time, and he has not idea how to un-fuck up so this might go on for a while. Our military deserves better. We all do.

More: WJCL

Today’s clips

Former Rep. Eric Swalwell (D-CA) reportedly had his phone seized by FBI agents at San Francisco’s airport Saturday as the White House released old investigative files. More: Raw Story

NEW YORK (AP) — A rise in oil prices on Thursday is sending worries about inflation and yields in the bond market higher, erasing some of the relief the U.S. Treasury Department created the day before. A drop for Walmart following its latest profit report helped drag the U.S. stock market lower. More: AP

CHICAGO (AP) — Meta insists it has a long history of protecting its youngest customers as it defends itself against a swath of lawsuits alleging its social media empire harms children. More: AP

KHAN YOUNIS, Gaza Strip (AP) — Palestinian children who have lost limbs during the Israel-Hamas war since Oct. 7, 2023, are taking swimming lessons in Khan Younis, Gaza, through classes organized by the nonprofit Heal Palestine. More: AP

The longtime publisher of Stars and Stripes has announced his retirement, ending a decades-long career with the military newspaper as Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth’sPentagon moves to exert editorial control and eliminate what it asserts are “woke distractions.” More: AP

After winning the Democratic primary to represent Florida’s 25th congressional district, Rep. Jared Moskowitz (D-Fla.) didn’t thank voters or pivot to his Republican opponent in the November general election. He pivoted to Hasan Piker. More: HuffPost

JEFFERSON CITY, Mo. — A Missouri judge has allowed new U.S. House districts backed by President Donald Trump to be used in the November elections, rejecting a bid by to put the Republican-friendly districts to a statewide vote of the people. More: NBC News

Note: We were gonna be so fucking clever today, Sexy Patriots. We were really proud of ourselves. We saw Darlene Graham completely biff a question in her Senate debate, and we were on it. We even wrote out song lyrics to the tune of “Jolene” about what a dunce she is. (We’re begging of you please move to Iran!). But there’s something that has REALLY been bothering us and we want to talk about it.

The president of the United States had to pay $6 million to a woman he sexually abused and defamed and reporters have not asked one single question about it. For fuck’s sake, the Supreme Court has literally denied Trump’s appeals twice now. What more of a news hook do those goddamn cowards need to ask about it? As far as we can tell, only one NBC reporter has ever broached the subject since a judge called Trump a “rapist.” That reporter asked Elise Stefanik about it during the 2024 campaign and then immediately lost his seat on the plane. Nobody has asked since. How the effing fuck is that possible?

Obviously we criticize the press a lot. Some of it is working the refs, but most of it is legit outrage at the appalling double standards applied to Democrats and Republicans. BUT HOW THE FUCK DOES THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES HAVE TO PAY MILLIONS FOR HIS SEX CRIMES AND NOT GET ASKED ABOUT IT?!!!! WHAT HAPPENED TO ALL YOU GUTLESS WUSSES WHO USED TO BRAG ABOUT HAVING TRUMP’S CELL PHONE NUMBER?! WHY DON’T YOU PSYCHOS FUCKING CARE THAT THE PRESIDENT IS A RAPIST?!

This has been bothering us for a while, and it will continue to bother us until one of those ass-kissing weasels finds a tiny fraction of the courage E. Jean has shown for years and asks that gross orange shithead about his crimes. Or they can just keep talking about how extreme it is to want healthcare for everyone. Fucking assholes. Y’all have a blessed day.

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Note two: And this is that Darlene Graham debate answer. Yikes. She’s gonna fit right in with Trump’s Republican Party.

Note three: Hey Alaska! Are you ready to help us take back the United States Senate! Let’s fucking go!!! More: AP

Note four: Republicans are now in Day Three of a total meltdown over Jon Ossoff mentioning Trump’s diaper caddie, and Ossoff has shown that Democrats can move the conversation when they have the guts to do so. Oh and btw, CNN, WaPo, the NYT and TMZ have all done stories about how fucking weird the whole Natalie sitch is. Well done, Sen. Ossoff. Eat shit, pearl-clutchers. More: CNN

Note five: Our favorite part so far is watching defender of women Scott Jennings almost cry about it. Someone should grab him by the pussy. More: HuffPost

Note six: Hey Pennsylvania! Yinz guys just flipped a statehouse seat in an area that Trump won by 18 fucking points! Well done! More: Newsweek

Note seven: This is the best fucking news we’ve seen in a while. Also, if you’ve accused Dr. Fauci of being a murderer, this is not for you.

Note eight: Here’s an ugly Florida story that somehow seems like a re-run. Ron DeSantis’s good buddy was arrested for molesting his grandson. This is why it’s ok to hate these fucking scumbags. More: The Guardian

Note nine: It seems really obvious that Trump and Hegseth have broken the United States Navy, and that really should be a bigger story. More: HuffPost

Note 10: Wow. Cory Mills lost his primary. Imagine being too scummy for Florida Republicans. More: NBC News

Note 11: We can’t in good conscience ask people to send money to Florida to try and elect an ex-Republican. But man Byron Donalds really sucks. More: HuffPost

Note 12: Want to know why Mayor Mamdani has skyrocketing approval numbers? Because he actually likes and wants to help the people he’s serving. How radical.

Note 13: RIP to Frank Beard. Nobody has ever done it like ZZ Top. More: YouTube

Note 14: We’ve already been burnt so badly by polls. And now some assholes are out there publishing fake numbers. We’re so fucked. More: AP

Note 15: Remember last year when Republicans pretended to care about government spending? Guess that was before all the war and gold shit. More: Washington Post

Note 16: It seems bad that the White House is such a joke that they had trouble finding someone who would run the FDA. Doesn’t everyone want to work with raccoon dick brainworm guy? More: NBC News

Note 17: Fox News got caught lying about gas prices this week. It somehow stood out against all their other lies.

Note 18: Even Natalie Harp’s brother is worried about her. We would be too. She rides in the goddamn trunk. More: CNN

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we hate to do a repeat of yesterday, but you really gotta see Rosie fucking up Trump…

Note 20: And on that knee-slapping note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all are having a lovely week, and we know that you would ask about E. Jean Carroll if you got the chance. And after you got done throwing rotten fruit. Love y’all!

Sunshine State

It was a weird night in Florida. But what else is new? Democratic Socialist candidates lost primaries to establishment incumbents, but a DSAer beat Alex Vindman for the Democrats’ U.S. Senate nomination. We have always been big fans of Angie Nixon, but we are always skeptical of getting our hopes up in Florida. The truth is Florida scares us. In lots of ways. Congrats to everyone who ran, and thank you to Vindman for his quick and full-throated endorsement of Nixon.

More: NBC News, AP

Terminator Too

We already know that AI is coming for jobs. We just didn’t know it would be coming for GOP Senate jobs. Yeah, Senate Republicans are big worried that their guys like Jon Husted in Ohio are seen as pro-data center (which they are) and will pay a price for it. In a memo from the NRSC, Republicans basically begged AI companies to spend more money to elect Republicans who will greenlight more data centers. LOL. They’re scared. Good. They fucking should be.

More: Axios

Out of Orange Juice

Donald Trump has lost it. There’s the lame PeeWee Herman attacks against Ossoff. There’s that idiotic thing about dumb being spelled with a b. And then there’s the fact that several of his endorsed candidates are losing. LOL. This morning, he’s claiming that he told Cory Mills to get out of the race. Sure you did, champ. And that healthcare plan is coming in two weeks.

Today’s clips

Longer-term U.S. Treasury yields dropped sharply Wednesday after the Treasury Department announced that it would increase the size of its government debt repurchases by “at least double” in a surprise move. More: NBC News

President Donald Trump late Tuesday slammed the brakes on a wave of tariffs that were set to hit Canada at midnight. More: NBC News

WASHINGTON — A Trump administration task force created to combat antisemitism pushed for settlements with Ivy League universities despite government investigations that were rushed and incomplete or that failed to establish legal violations by the schools, a former Justice Department lawyer alleged in a whistleblower disclosure obtained by The Associated Press. More: NBC News

Pennsylvania Gov. Josh Shapiro announced significant restrictions on data center projects Tuesday, signing an executive order to stop “predatory” backers and “bad proposals from infecting our commonwealth.” More: NBC News

ORLANDO, Fla. (AP) — Across 250 years, only three elected governors out of thousands have been Black –- all Democrats and all men, including current Maryland Gov. Wes Moore. More: AP

THE HAGUE, Netherlands (AP) — The International Criminal Court on Wednesday slammed the latest U.S. sanctions targeting senior ICC staff, including its president, as a “flagrant attack” on the global tribunal’s independence and vowed to continue seeking justice for atrocities around the world. More: AP

A lot of conservatives have raged against Sen. Jon Ossoff (D-Ga.) since he made some pointed comments about President Donald Trump ― but Fox News host Jesse Watters has refused to join the pile-on. More: HuffPost

Stephen Colbert asked the Emmys crowd last year to get his writers another gig after “The Late Show” ended.

And now they’re getting one by working on this year’s ceremony with Emmys host Mariska Hargitay. More: HuffPost

Note: Well, Sexy Patriots, we must be near election season because everyone is freaking the fuck out. Including us. We know a lot of you are worried about fissures in the Democratic Party and what that means for November. We know even more of you are worried that the Jan. 6 asshole won’t let us actually have free and fair elections. We get it. There’s a lot to worry about. So we figured it was time for us all to take a deep breath and remember something very important…

America fucking hates Donald Trump.

Yowzer. No wonder his diaper is always full. He’s now less popular than the Lettuce Shittin’ Disease that he failed to stop. Seriously. Americans are like yo this salad just made me poop myself so bad that I ruined my pants and one of my shoes but at least it didn’t start a stupid fucking war in Iran that killed a bunch of little girls and drove gas prices up. In fact, a poll we did on our own revealed that 67 percent of Americans just crapped themselves and want Trump to release the Epstein files.

Our point is this — we have the wind at our backs. We are going to do the work, we are going to tell the truth and we are going to win. We are going to beat Trump and his freaks. Again. And then slowly, but surely, we are going to restore some common decency and some common goddamn sense to this country. And if not, we’ll just all shit ourselves to death. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: Pete Hegseth traveled to Iowa in his “personal capacity.” WHAT?! This dumb drunk motherfucker is losing soldiers and losing a war and he’s launching his goddamn presidential campaign? Do we even have a fucking press corps anymore? More: Washington Post

Note three: Trump yelled at a CNN reporter yesterday. Then the White House attacked her and her children. And once again the press just took it. Sigh. More: The Independent

Note four: Trump also honored that teenager lifeguard yesterday, admitting that he is a selfish coward in the process. More: The Guardian

Note five: Iran controls the Strait of Hormuz. They have attacked ships every day for like two weeks. Nothing is getting through there. So of course the shit-for-brains moron who calls himself our president is posting shit like this…

Note six: While we’re hating on the press, we’d like to point out again that not one of them has asked about E. Jean Carroll. Maybe we’re old fashioned, but we think it’s newsworthy that the president of the United States had to pay $6 million to the woman he sexually abused and defamed.

Note seven: We think it is really, really funny that Abdul El-Sayed keeps bringing up Trump’s hygiene. Or lack thereof. More: HuffPost

Note eight: It’s an Election Day! If people are voting near you — looking at you, Florida and Alaska — then please join them and vote for good people over assholes. Thank you for your attention to this matter. More: AP

Note nine: Welp, the guy who cuts of raccoon dicks has successfully fucked up vaccination rates. Are we great again or what? More: HuffPost

Note 10: LOL. We’re disloyal Americans because we don’t support Trump’s stupid ballroom. Try to imagine Obama saying this. Then try to imagine the press outcry if he did. Fuck that ballroom.

Note 11: The Lakers are a mess. We’re not saying this is all happening because Jeanie Buss endorsed Spencer Pratt. But we’re not not saying it either. More: NBC News

Note 12: Can you imagine the outcry if a Democratic administration spied on churches? Well, Trump’s DHS did exactly that in Minnesota and you haven’t heard dick about it. More: Talking Points Memo

Note 13: This is a great ad from James Talarico. Also, what the fuck is wrong with Republicans?

Note 14: Wouldn’t it be awesome if a California jury destroyed Meta? More: AP

Note 15: Madonna got the most MTV VMA nominations. Can someone tell us what year it is because we might be concussed… More: AP

Note 16: Maybe it’s petty, but we like when Trump voters get screwed by Trump. After all, we did try to warn them. More: HuffPost

Note 17: Seriously. How is this not a massive fucking scandal?! Our sailors are attempting suicide!

Note 18: It is objectively hilarious that Stephen A. Smith was called out for disrespecting Black women and he went on Hannity to fight back. What a fucking hack. More: News Nation

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, well, just take a look at who is guest-hosting Kimmel…

Note 20: And on that delicious note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope your week is off to a good start and your approval rating is higher than Trump’s. But we know it is because you’re awesome. Love y’all!

Mad Mouse

Well it took longer than it should have, but Mickey Mouse is firing back. Disney is suing the FCC over its authoritarian tactics. Brendan Carr has spent the last two years threatening and shaking down ABC, and apparently they’ve had enough. The FCC has clearly been attacking and abusing ABC’s First Amendment rights because Jimmy Kimmel and the ladies of The View made the president cry and pee himself. It’s about fucking time we saw some of these big corporations fight back instead of just rolling over.

More: NBC News

Lock Him Up!

Donald Trump has said over and over again that voting by mail is fraudulent. So according to him, he committed voter fraud yesterday when he voted by mail in the Florida primaries. We honestly don’t know why this isn’t a bigger deal to the press when this asshole spends like 70 percent of his time attacking this particular method of voting. Maybe they’ve just given up.

More: Politico

LOLOL!!!

Republicans are VERY mad at Jon Ossoff. The day after the Georgia senator merely mentioned that Trump would rather “travel around with Natalie,” the party of Grab ‘Em By the Pussy is furious that Ossoff would suggest that Trump is having an affair with his weird aide who wrote him love letters. It’s pretty hilarious watching people like Newt Gingrich and Scott Jennings try to claim the high road here. That’s why we were so happy to see Ossoff on MSNow last night saying he doesn’t give a fuck about their crocodile tears. This very clearly struck a nerve with Republicans, and we love when that happens.

More: bsky.app

Today’s clips

WASHINGTON (AP) — The Trump administration said Monday it is temporarily pausing construction of a contentious border construction project in Texas’ Big Bend National Park while the head of the agency tasked with building the wall visits to do an “on-the-ground evaluation.” More: AP

A judge on Monday ordered the release of a Kentucky woman who was accused of vandalism at the World War II Memorial in Washington last week, court records showed. More: NBC News

WASHINGTON (AP) — The U.S. and Canada are negotiating in an effort to reach a truce on tariffs before a 12:01 a.m. Wednesday deadline set by U.S. President Donald Trump. More: AP

During a field hearing in Maine on Monday, Rep. Chellie Pingree (D-Maine) pressed for answers regarding the fatal shooting of 25-year-old Johan Sebastián Durán Guerrero by an Immigration and Customs Enforcement officer this past July. More: HuffPost

White House communications director Steven Cheung doesn’t appear to have appreciated the recent digs made about President Donald Trump by Sen. Jon Ossoff (D-Ga.). More: HuffPost

Note: Sexy Patriots! We missed y’all so much, and we are filled with gratitude to be back with you today. Seriously, we’ve got gratitude coming out of our ears and asses. And that’s why we’re starting today with something positive instead of again warning about the spreading virus known as Fetterhea (Fetterpes? You know, hating your own party like you’re John Fetterman). And besides, this shit is too good to wait…

OH DAMN! JON OSSOFF FROM THE TOP MOTHERFUCKING ROPE!!! If you don’t know who Natalie Harp is, you are damn lucky and probably better adjusted than the rest of us. She’s the “human printer” who is rumored to be auditioning to be the new Melania and has a Mia-Farrow-in-The-Omen-like love for the grossest sonofabitch on the planet. Until yesterday, it was all whispers and social media conjecture. And then Jon “The Flamethrower” Ossoff tossed a metaphorical molotov cocktail right between the Trumps’ separate bedrooms.

All we can say is a-men, hallelujah and fuck yeah! Because we’ve got these assholes on the run and there are still way too many Democrats hating on each other and fearing their own fucking shadows. Enough! For the next 78 days, it’s all offense all the time until Trump runs off with Natalie and we never see either of their miserable asses ever again. Thanks for showing us the way, Jonny. Let’s fucking go. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: We saw actual Democrats using Laura Loomer to attack other Democrats last week. Are we fucking serious? Are we just allergic to winning? Knock it the fuck off!

NO GODDAMN LINK

Note three: Remember Trump’s bullshit MOU with Iran that the mainstream media took seriously for some reason? Well it expires today, and the president is now threatening to bomb Oman. Doing great, honey! More: CNBC

Note four: Stephen A. Smith, ESPN”s fuck-you to America, was awarded the Thumbs Down Award by the National Association of Black Journalists this weekend for always being a piece of shit to Black women. He’s not taking it well. More: HuffPost

Note five: It seems our national media are more comfortable with nazis than Muslims. That’s pretty messed up, y’all…

Note six: RIP to actor Hayden Panettiere. She was only 35. We loved her in Remember the Titans, but man this child actor stuff doesn’t usually turn out great. More: HuffPost

Note seven: Meet the Press is just Bill Cassidy now, which is to say they both got rolled by Todd Blanche’s corrupt ass. More: HuffPost

Note eight: Speaking of Cassidy, what a fucking loser. More: HuffPost

Note nine: Kyrsten Sinema first had sex with her bodyguard at a CNN host’s wedding. Maybe someone actually should drain the fucking swamp. More: HuffPost

Note 10: We take a lot of shit for defending Hakeem Jeffries. Probably because of interviews like this. There are plenty of Republicans to spread Republican talking points on Meet the Press. Can we please stop helping them?

Note 11: We officially have our 2028 calendar. Democrats will be starting with South Carolina and then heading to Nevada. More: NBC News

Note 12: More than 50 Trump appointees are worth more than $100 million. Working people who vote for this kind of shit are suckers. More: AP

Note 13: Before we went with Jon Ossoff for the intro, we were gonna do an interview with George Washington where he talked about how fucking crazy this is and how much Trump smells like rotting ass.

Note 14: Sam went to see Point Break in the theaters last night. We realized later that part of the reason America is hurting is because we never properly mourned the loss of Patrick Swayze.

Note 15: Canada wants to throw the U.S. ambassador out. Do you know how much of an asshole you have to be to get kicked out of Canada? More: Yahoo News

Note 16: We’re almost done with the primaries, y’all. We’ve got Florida tomorrow. Can we please not kill each other after it’s over? More: Florida Today, The Intercept

Note 17: Please don’t judge us for laughing our asses off at this.

Note 18: We now know for certain that Trump tried to hurt the people of Colorado over Tina Peters. And Jared Polis rewarded that mafia behavior by doing what Trump wanted. We’re definitely gonna need to impeach this motherfucker. More: Colorado Pols

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, well it’s an ending but there’s nothing happy about it. WHAT IS TRUMP SMUGGLING IN HIS PANTIES?! That ain’t just junk in the trunk. That’s the whole junkyard!

Note 20: And on that bootylicious note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all had the most amazing weekend and didn’t get called out big time for being a sleazebag piece of shit. Love y’all!

So Much Winning

E. Jean beat Trump this morning. Again. Trump’s rigged Supreme Court once again refused to take up Trump’s appeal of the $5 million verdict against him in E. Jean’s defamation case against the man who sexually abused her. Carroll already has the money, and this was Trump’s pathetic attempt to claw it back. What’s crazy is that the most accessible president in history has not been asked one single question about this. Do you think Obama or Biden would get the same pass from the media? It’s hard to say because neither of them are rapist pieces of shit.

More: CNBC

Surrender

It took about 75 years, but Donald Trump managed to officially lose the Korean War. In a rambling and idiotic social media post Sunday night, Trump announced that he’s asking Hegseth to scale back the annual military exercises we do with our South Korean allies. Trump cited his good personal relationship with Kim Jong Un, which never stops being fucking crazy. We are so sorry to our South Korean friends for this disgusting betrayal. The world should know now that the United States of America cannot be trusted or counted on. And that really sucks.

More: AP

Support the Trumps!

Remember when it used to be support the troops? Well we’re apparently not doing that anymore. After reports emerged last week that sailors aboard the USS Lincoln were trying to harm themselves amid horrid conditions after a record-long deployment, Trump came out and said they’re fine and haven’t served long enough. Hegseth essentially called the sailors’ families liars. And social media was filled with right-wingers attacking our sailors as wimps. Our advice to young people everywhere is DO NOT enlist these days. Our military is being led by dumbfucks who don’t care if you live or die.

More: NBC News, NPR, CBS News

Today’s clips

WASHINGTON (AP) — President Donald Trump on Sunday said vandals are to blame for large swaths of dead grass on the National Mall near the World War II Memorial — in the same spot where Trump had a stage built and hosted crowds for his July 4 celebration. More: AP

LAS VEGAS (AP) — Tupac Shakur fans arrived at a Las Vegas courthouse Monday for opening statements in the trial of a man accused of orchestrating the legendary rapper’s killing, the start of weeks of testimony revisiting what happened on a Las Vegas night nearly 30 years ago. More: AP

A Russian court on Monday convicted a prominent opposition politician for speaking out against the war in Ukraine and sentenced him to 11 years and one month in prison in the latest crackdown leading up to next month’s parliamentary election. More: AP

Ukraine launched hundreds of drones across Russia on Sunday, killing at least six people in one of Kyiv’s largest aerial attacks of the war. More: AP

JERUSALEM (AP) — An extremist Israeli lawmaker in Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu’s coalition publicly advocated for killing “30 to 40” people in Gaza each night, comments that surfaced Sunday and were quickly shared by Palestinian media. More: AP

Lame-duck Rep. Nancy Mace (R-S.C.) has been getting lots of ink ― but not for any political success. More: HuffPost

Fox News anchor Joey Jones unloaded on sailors aboard the USS Abraham Lincoln for complaining about the ever-deteriorating conditions aboard the aircraft carrier deployed to the Middle East since late last year. More: HuffPost

Note: Howdy, Sexy Patriots! Today is a good day! Sure, we have the usual avalanche of shitty and horribly depressing news to share with you as both your country and your planet near almost certain death. But we also get to say goodbye to human garbage Karoline Leavitt. And if that ain’t worth celebrating, then we don’t know what is…

Neither of us has ever met Karoline, and that’s one of many, many reasons why we wouldn’t piss on her if she was on fire. Is that a little harsh? We don’t think so. For the last two years, we’ve been paying this soulless dead-eyed monster to lie to us — to lie about Alex Pretti and Renee Good, to lie about Jan. 6 and to lie about, well, pretty much every goddamn thing she ever discussed. So as far as we’re concerned, she can go lie on some train tracks.

We know that the White House press disagree. They are fine with being lied to and insulted, and they will definitely throw Karoline a going-away party. We hear Jake Tapper is gonna get naked and jump out of a cake. So yeah, we’re happy to miss that party, but we might throw our own. Because it’s a good thing when a lying piece of shit resigns. Bye, Karoline. Please go fuck yourself. Y’all have a blessed day. More: The Hill

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Note two: We hate to do it, Sexy Patriots, but we’re gonna sneak in a day off tomorrow. Instead of taking a summer vacation, we’ve tried to do the occasional long weekend so that we don’t leave you hanging for a whole week. If you’re pissed about it, we get it. We suck.

Note three: Max Miller’s ex-wife is suing him for releasing nude photos of their child. Republicans are backing this dude, who for some reason isn’t tagged by the media as a radical extremist. More: HuffPost

Note four: Pete Hegseth lost two more soldiers yesterday. But at least he’s winning the war against Iran. Oh wait. More: The Hill

Note five: Seriously, it’s not going great…

Note six: Hey has anyone seen Mitch McConnell? We’d put him on the side of a milk carton, but we don’t want people puking up milk everywhere.

Note seven: This is pretty funny. Even Elon’s twitter isn’t buying this bullshit from Lindsey Graham’s sister. More: HuffPost

Note eight: Congrats to the person who just won a billion dollars in the Powerball. Can we have some? Please? More: NBC News

Note nine: What DOJ is doing to the Southern Poverty Law Center is fucking appalling. Let’s hope a jury sees through this bullshit. More: NBC News

Note 10: Republican Minnesota candidate Michele Tafoya wants you to sacrifice for Trump’s stupid war. We encourage all Minnesotans to reach out to Michele and tell her how this makes you feel…

Note 11: If you’ve been with us for a while, then you know we’ve been following the saga of Coyote vs. Acme for a very long time. Now the premiere is almost here, and we are so excited. We can’t wait to laugh and make Warner Bros. eat shit. More: AP

Note 12: Sigh. It’s true that Josh Kushner and Bob Iger are buying the Lakers. The guy who bought them last year is under investigation by DOJ and recently met with Trump. If all this seems shady as fuck, that’s because it probably is. Fuck. More: CNBC

Note 13: We are loving this new ad from Abdul. We think proud grandparents everywhere will relate.

Note 14: We’d like to say FUCK YOU to the washed up ex-NBA losers who are trying to get on Fox News by declaring for the WNBA draft. It’s gross and pathetic, and those women don’t deserve this shit. More: AP

Note 15: Remember the scum who brought a confederate flag into our Capitol on Jan. 6? Well he was just convicted for touching a woman’s hair on the Metro. So in addition to being a racist traitor, he’s also a creepy fucking weirdo. This is the GOP, y’all. More: NBC Washington

Note 16: Yikes. U.S. troops did a drill with Ukraine soldiers. And Ukraine won. Maybe it was a mistake to fire all of our military leaders and replace them with Fox News fuckheads. Also, Ukraine is pretty badass. More: Wall Street Journal

Note 17: We’ve seen a few folks on our side of things getting chummy with Tucker Carlson lately. Never forget that he is a racist, sexist piece of shit. He’s also a fucking dork.

Note 18: We are so glad to see that the story we shared yesterday about the USS Lincoln is getting attention. It should be a big goddamn deal that our draft-dodging commander-in-chief is leaving our troops to suffer while he plays golf and redecorates. More: CNN

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we take you to Wisconsin, where David Crowley and Fran Hong showed us all how it’s done. We’ve been so happy to see this pattern happen all over the country. Except, um, Texas.

Note 20: And on that unified note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all have the best weekend ever. Unless you’re Karoline Leavitt. In that case, you can go eat all the shit. Love y’all!

$900 Million

That’s how much Trump is taking from your National Parks budget to pay for his redecorating spree in D.C. Yes, we know he has repeatedly lied and told the American people that corporate bribes were paying for all this nonsense, but that, like everything he says, was a lie. According to U.S. Sen. Tina Smith, the White House usually gets about $2.5 million a year for maintenance. Now they’re taking $875 million. And they’re taking it from your parks. Fucking assholes.

More: The Hill

Dick’s Doc

It can be surprising to remember that Dick Cheney had a heart. But he did, and it didn’t work great. So he had a cardiologist. And that cardiologist wants some answers about Donald Trump’s health. In yesterday’s New York Times, Dr. Jonathan Reiner says that Trump looks like warmed over shit and Americans deserve to know why. It is pretty obvious that Trump is not well. Remember when we were told repeatedly last year that the president’s health was the most important story ever? Well fuck Jake Tapper.

More: The Independent

Go, Zo!

So we know there are some Democrats who are having a hard time getting on board with Mayor Zohran Mamdani, but that dude is rolling. Y’all know we are big fans, and according to a new Sienna poll, that’s a big crowd. In a new poll out yesterday, Mamdani’s favorability has risen to 69 (nice) percent. His unfavorables are only at 24 percent. Y’all, those numbers are fucking insane for a New York City mayor, and they’ve only been going up since he got in office. Maybe all politicians should be nice, like the people they work for and do the job they say they will. We’re linking to the New York Post because most of the media ignored this story, and the Wall Street Journal said yesterday that Mamdani’s “honeymoon is over.” LOL. Sure, Rupert.

More: NY Post

Today’s clips

QUSRA, West Bank (AP) — Israeli settlers have besieged three homes in the occupied West Bank for several days, including one owned by a Palestinian American, in what the U.S. ambassador called a “horrific act of terror” on Thursday. More: AP

WASHINGTON (AP) — Public health experts have been quick to condemn an executive order from President Donald Trump aimed at upending childhood vaccinations in the U.S., but the biggest obstacles may be the unprecedented financial and logistical challenges it would impose on parents, health providers and drugmakers. More: AP

Abdul El-Sayed made history this month in Michigan by becoming the first Muslim nominated by the Democratic Party to run for the U.S. Senate. But elation among many of his fellow Muslim Americans was tempered by awareness of persisting and widespread anti-Muslim sentiment across much of the nation. More: AP

AUSTIN, Texas (AP) — Democrats are gathering to finalize their 2028 presidential primary calendar this week, setting the stage for a wide open contest to succeed President Donald Trump and chart a path ahead as the party’s voters oscillate between progressive and more moderate candidates. More: AP

A Russian military officer was killed in a ⁠bomb attack on Thursday in Russian-annexed Crimea, and a woman was arrested on suspicion of assassinating him on behalf of Ukrainian special services, the regional governor said. More: NBC News

Robert F. Kennedy Jr. seemed to be a bit mixed up as he claimed he can’t vote because courts once deemed him legally homeless, despite neither being accurate. More: HuffPost

Note: Sexy Patriots! We did it! We (mostly) made it through primary season! And we’re all still here and only kinda hate each other! Hooray! These last few months have been bruising, but we did it and we really, really like our candidates. Especially Peggy Flanagan. We obviously stay out of primaries, but it was tough in this one because one of the candidates voted to fund ICE. Still, we were good boys and let Minnesotans sort it out. And you know what else they sorted out? That Donald Trump and his fucked up friends are losers with a capital L…

LOLOLOL!!!!!!! Everyone pretend to be shocked that the MyPillow nutjob got trounced and then refused to concede. Remember when we found out his dumbfuck ass wasn’t even registered to vote in Minnesota? God this is so fucking funny. Because not only is Lindell a giant goddamn loser, but so is the orange catering cart cuck who endorsed him over and over again. Donald Trump is officially a limp dick lame duck.

It seems to us that there are basically two paths that people in politics who used to smoke crack can go. You can be a Hunter Biden or you can be a MyPillow shit-for-brains. It’s better to be a Hunter. Or just avoid crack and politics altogether. Your choice. Y’all have a blessed day.

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Note two: You’re not gonna believe this, but Trump still hasn’t beat inflation. It’s almost like all those day naps aren’t working. More: HuffPost

Note three: We’re gonna talk more about this race in a second, but we do want to thank Rep. Angie Craig for her service and for conceding so graciously last night. Thank goodness the MyPillow madness is all on the other side.

Note four: Lindsey Graham’s sister advanced to a run-off, and she will debate Ralph Norman next week. Loser couldn’t even get a majority. The Palmetto State might not be the Pal-Nepo state, right? We’ll be here all week, folks. More: NBC News

Note five: We were gonna save this for the Happy Ending, but fuck it. LET’S MAKE THIS FUCKING BADASS A UNITED STATES SENATOR!!!

Note six: We also have a governor’s race to win in Minnesota as Amy Klobuchar is our gubernatorial candidate. This one seems like a no-brainer, right? More: MPR News

Note seven: Jack Reacher is back. And we were excited about this before we even saw Alan Ritchson go off on Trump. More: Forbes

Note eight: The white kids who were last seen with Nolan Wells went on a right-wing sellout’s podcast to proclaim their innocence and trash Nolan’s mom. That’s pretty fucked up. Like really fucked up. More: Yahoo News

Note nine: The Trump White House is now against women dancing. Only the commander-in-chief and his double-jerk-off moves are allowed to dance. More: HuffPost

Note 10: It took way too fucking long, but the press corps seem actually pretty pissed off about being used a decoys for Iranian missiles. Look how seriously the New York Times is taking it!

Note 11: We want to wish the best to Rep. John Larson, who lost his primary last night. We hate to see older liberal badasses like this lose. But we also understand the party wanting to get younger. More: HuffPost

Note 12: President Obama made fun of Trump’s golden Oval Office. We love this shit so much. More: HuffPost

Note 13: This is what’s happening in America while the mainstream media worries about DSA candidates. We never saw Hasan Piker do some fucked up shit like this…

Note 14: Oh and those sick fucks are giving their officers gloves that can shock people. This had to be Stephen Miller’s idea, right? More: NBC News

Note 15: We don’t know shit about British politics, but we are rooting for someone named Count Binface to beat Nigel Farage. More: NBC News

Note 16: The weather in America has been pretty damn scary. If you’re battling tornadoes or floods, we’re sending love. And that’s more than the president of the United States is sending. More: AP

Note 17: Trump wants us to see this shit and be scared. But keep in mind that this is the same dude who just ate shit in Minnesota and got his ass kicked by the Reflecting Pool.

Note 18: Despite being embarrassed in front of the whole world, Trump is still pushing DOJ to go after Davey Hearn. This dude is gonna sue the United States for soooooooo much money. More: The Guardian

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we’re going to Texas. Our favorite people in the world right now are Red State Democrats who troll the living shit out of their scumbag politicians. Let’s hope these next few months are the worst of Ken Paxton’s miserable goddamn life…

Note 20: And on that really funny note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all are having a great week. And if not, just remember that you’re having a better week than that MyPillow asshole. LOL. Love y’all!

Did He Even Say Thank You?

So Zelensky and Ukraine have been giving Russia hell, and we’re loving every second of it. But Ukraine’s payback for the Russkies is putting an additional squeeze on the oil market that Trump fucked up when he attacked Iran. So Vice President Couch Fuck asked Zelensky for a favor and begged him to cool it with the attacks on Russia’s tankers in the Black Sea. We sure hope JD was wearing a suit when he asked. God this is so rich. Remember how arrogant these fuckers were when they were attacking Zelensky in the Oval? Let’s hope he tells JD the same thing those Snake Island folks told the Russian warship at the beginning of this cruel war.

More: Yahoo

Ignore the Polls

Congratulations to Democrat David Crowley on becoming Wisconsin’s Democratic gubernatorial nominee. Going into the race, we all thought Francesca Hong was gonna win this thing in a landslide and then spend the next few months explaining to shitty reporters that she doesn’t actually hate Thanksgiving. Instead, Crowley shocked the pollsters by narrowly pulling off the win. We’re seeing lots of hot takes and big conclusions about what this all means. But it was a super close race, so maybe it doesn’t mean shit. Especially when you remember that neither Bernie nor AOC were supporting Hong. Anyway, congrats to Fran Hong on raising some important issues. Now let’s get David Crowley elected governor.

More: WBAY

Remember the Lincoln

While Donald Trump plays golfs and says “we’ll see what happens” with the stupid goddamn war he started, our sailors are paying the price. Conditions are so bad on the USS Lincoln, that our sailors have been trying to jump overboard. Their families are begging for help. And Pete Hegseth and Donald Trump don’t give a shit. The deployment was supposed to end in May, but instead they’ve been at sea for eight months. This should be a bigger story than it is. We’re sending love to the Lincoln. Because unlike Republicans, we actually support the troops.

More: Military Times

Today’s clips

Ukrainian anti-ship missiles, jet-powered aerial drones and sea drones blitzed a major Russian naval base on the Black Sea coast in a “unique” nighttime operation, Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelenskyy said Wednesday. More: NBC News

WEST KELOWNA, British Columbia — A deadly wildfire in western Canada that has forced some 20,000 people to flee, grew overnight even without strong winds, challenging efforts to contain it and fully assess the damage, authorities said Tuesday. More: NBC News

WASHINGTON — A judge ordered the Kennedy Center to pay $250,000 in legal fees to musician Chuck Redd, whom the arts center sued for canceling a Christmas Eve concert after President Donald Trump’s name was added to the building’s facade. More: NBC News

PEREIRA, Colombia (AP) — The search for survivors in the rubble of Colombia’spowerful earthquake grew more desperate on Wednesday, two days after the quake brought down buildings, buckled roads and crushed cars. More: AP

Doctors say President Donald Trump’s new executive order on vaccines is misguided and likely to stoke fear and confusion among parents at a time when measles is raging, immunization rates are falling and children are heading back to school. More: AP

CAPE CANAVERAL, Fla. (AP) — Sorry, North America. After winning the cosmic lottery with a pair of coast-to-coast total solar eclipses, now it’s Europe’s turn. More: AP

Note: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!! Sexy Patriots! We can’t stop laughing! It’s not funny, but it is hilarious. And we can say that because we’re not members of the White House press corps who were used as a decoy for Iranian missiles…

LOLOL!!! The best part? The chickenshit-in-chief hid in a fucking catering cart when he switched planes. HE HID IN A FUCKING CATERING CART!!! We knew the president was shitting his pants a lot these days, and we just assumed it was age related. It turns out that he’s terrified of getting shot down. So terrified that he’s HIDING IN CATERING CARTS. How long until they start dressing him up like a bush? Why not just give him the Groucho glasses?

The main takeaway here isn’t the hilarious part about Trump being a wuss who HID IN A CATERING CART. No, the real story here is that Trump lied to the press and was happily ready to sacrifice them and some staffers by using them as decoys. And those pathetic fucks still threw him a correspondents dinner. So to quote Glengarry Glen Ross, “get mad, you sons of bitches! Get mad!” Trump used you as human shields. The least you can do is finally ask him about E. Jean Carroll. Y’all have a blessed day. And watch out for the catering cart. You never know who’s hiding beneath.

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Note two: Let’s start with a fun one today. Here’s the AP laying out how Trump crapped all over Zelensky and then Zelensky returned the favor by bringing hell to Trump’s Russian friends. Who has the cards now, bitch? More: AP

Note three: You’re not gonna believe this, but Lauren Boebert’s family is a fucking mess. And they seemed so normal. More: ABC News

Note four: It’s an Election Day! We are almost done with primaries (thanks to the readers yesterday who let us know we were jumping the gun). If people are voting near you, please join them and don’t vote for any assholes. More: AP

Note five: What’s that old expression? You’re not paranoid if you’re a piece of shit who the whole fucking world hates.

Note six: We don’t really know what Wisconsin Democrats are doing, but we trust them and we have their backs. More: HuffPost

Note seven: We’re also don’t really get what went down in Montana, but it would sure be nice if everyone was concerned about stopping fascism as the Sexy Patriots are. More: HuffPost

Note eight: You weren’t imagining it. July was the hottest month we’ve ever had. Probably because we’re in hell. More: NBC News

Note nine: Yesterday, the president of the United States referred to our candidates as “jihadists.” We’re almost afraid to ask how many of our fellow Democrats agree with him. Maybe we should all join together and push back against this disgusting bigotry. More: New York Times

Note 10: They are rationing water in Puerto Rico. How in the world can we treat our fellow Americans this way and still call ourselves the good guys? At least Trump isn’t throwing paper towels at them.

Note 11: AOC shared with the world that she is freezing her eggs. So of course a bunch of gross dudes who have never seen a woman naked had some thoughts. More: HuffPost

Note 12: Just a reminder that Rep. Chuck Edwards was found to have sexually harassed many of his staffers, and he is still in office. Republicans, man. More: NBC News

Note 13: The scummiest people on earth are in charge right now. We really need to do something about it in November. Impeach Emil!

Note 14: We are HUGE fans of Ms. Rachel, and we’d like to congratulate her on her new album. We hope that being a good person with a good heart equals lots and lots of success. More: AP

Note 15: Jackie the bald eagle died. Please keep RFK Jr. away from the corpse. More: HuffPost

Note 16: Brad Pitt says he’s off the wagon. We don’t know Brad, but this seems like a bad idea. More: HuffPost

Note 17: Just a reminder that Donald Trump is an historically unpopular president. He has a worse approval rating than super gonorrhea.

Note 18: We hate to say this, but we kinda need to take the MyPillow dumbfuck seriously. Don’t blame us. Blame 2026. More: MS Now

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we’re sorry to be a broken record on this, but we just can’t get enough of this story. How fucking furious do we think dumbshit is over this?

Note 20: And on that accurate and hilarious note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope your week is off to a good start and you haven’t had to hide in any catering carts because the whole world hates your fucking guts. Love y’all!

Sleepy Psycho Killer

Donald Trump proved yesterday that he can do lots of damage even in his sleep. While Trump dozed on and off in the Oval yesterday, non-doctors RFK Jr. and Stephen Miller announced a new executive order that would space out vaccines for kids and eliminate flu and covid shots for them. It was all based on nonsense, horseshit and lies, and you should ignore all of it. Vaccines save lives. Trump kills. Any questions?

More: The Hill

The Strait of Trump’s Shame

Every day, Trump tells the press that the Strait of Hormuz is open and the United States controls it. Neither of those things are true. The Wall Street Journal reports today that the Gulf States now just accept that Iran is in charge of the strait, something that wasn’t true before Trump’s stupid war. What’s more, Trump has been told by his military advisors that a military effort to take the strait would be a disastrous quagmire with no guarantee of success. So yeah, it’s all going great. Nice work, Mr. President.

More: CNBC

Trump Hearts Abusers

Politico is reporting that the White House has told Republicans to back off alleged woman beater Max Miller. Apparently, Trump personally intervened to help his old staffer and fellow abuser. Officials told Ohio and D.C. Republicans to shut up about the abuse and let the voters sort it out. Well, we agree with the last part. Please remember to help Democrat Brian Poindexter any possible way you can. Because this shit is fucking sick and we need to put a stop to it.

More: Politico

Today’s clips

Arizona’s Democratic Gov. Katie Hobbs has chosen a former Republican as her running mate for her re-election bid this November. More: NBC News

Yemeni authorities say four people were killed by Iran-backed Houthi rebels attacking a vessel in the Bab el-Mandeb strait. More: AP

PENTICTON, British Columbia (AP) — About 100 firefighters from Mexico were expected to arrive Tuesday to help battle a deadly wildfire that has forced 20,000 people to flee and destroyed homes and other properties near Okanagan Lake in Western Canada, officials said. More: AP

NEW YORK (AP) — The president’s media company has tried its hand at a half-dozen new lines of business to lift its stock, but nothing has worked. More: AP

COLUMBIA, S.C. (AP) — Just two months after nominating Lindsey Graham to return to the U.S. Senate, South Carolina Republicans are casting ballots Tuesday in a special primary to pick a replacement following the sudden death of the president’s close ally. More: AP

CALI, Colombia (AP) — A powerful 7.4 magnitude earthquake struck western Colombiaon Monday, killing at least 111 people, damaging hundreds of buildings and leaving many trapped under debris while their loved ones and rescue workers searched through rubble. More: AP

President Donald Trump last month secretly swapped planes in Turkey due to a security threat, according to reports. Unbeknownst to anyone at the time, the entire switch may have been caught on camera. More: HuffPost

Note: Hey there, Sexy Patriots! It’s so great to see you! We hope you had a magical weekend filled with busting your ass on behalf of a Democratic candidate. But we understand if you did other stuff too. We are almost done with primary season — thank goodness — so it’s time for us all to get on the same page so we can kick some major Republican ass in November.

We know some people are having a hard time with that. For whatever reason, we have Democrats who are skeptical or worried about some of our nominees. Well today, we thought we’d help those good people get over that shit. If you are on the fence about Dr. Abdul El-Sayed, we think this clip will help you learn to love his hot ass…

Yessssssss. Folks, that is a Democratic U.S. Senate candidate accusing Donald Trump of crapping himself in the Oval Office. We approve of that message. And it gets better. Abdul was asked during one of the MSM’s shockingly anti-Muslim interviews about Trump attacking he and his wife in a social media post. Abdul responded that unlike Trump and Melania, he and his wife actually like each other. THIS IS THE WAY!!!

For years, we have begged our party to put on the brass knuckles and start fucking up bullies. Now it looks like we have some candidates who will do that. So let’s get behind them. We believe they will make us proud. And make Trump very, very angry. So angry that he shits himself in the Oval Office. Y’all have a blessed day. More: HuffPost

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Note two: Tomorrow is an Election Day. Mercifully, we believe it is the last big primary day. If people are voting where you live, please join them. And please don’t vote for any assholes. More: Boltsmag

Note three: We are so late to this story, but we wanted to shower praise and congratulations onto Gov. Abigail Spanberger for restoring the voting rights of tens of thousands of Virginians. This is real shit. More: Virginia Mercury

Note four: Iran has issued a list of demands for ending the war. LOL. Is that how this was supposed to go? More: HuffPost

Note five: Billionaires are the fucking worst, and we should fire them into the sun.

Note six: Cooter died. That’s not a euphemism. More: NBC News

Note seven: Some awful news from Hunter B. Apparently Joe’s cancer has spread. If you can, spare some love in your heart for him. More: NBC News

Note eight: If you’re one of the Americans or Canadians dealing with these wildfires, we see you. We’re thinking of you. And we’re sorry the president doesn’t give a fuck about you. More: AP

Note nine: These stories about Haitians having to wear ankle monitors fills us with a level of rage we didn’t know we could reach. These midterms are so fucking important. More: The Guardian

Note 10: AOC is crushing it. She refused to rule out a run for president or Senate, and we think that’s a good thing. Also, everyone needs to hear this message…

Note 11: Ok this is pretty goddamn hilarious. Trump was asked about voters hating him, and he said that they’re mad at Republicans but not him. LOLOL!!! Keep kissing his ass, GOP! More: Politico

Note 12: Can y’all think of a worse spokesman to keep sending on television to lie about the economy than Kevin Hassett? We oppose violence at all times, but we think the only accurate way to describe that dude’s face and his shit-eating grin is “punchable.” More: HuffPost

Note 13: We don’t know anything about Darline Graham. But we still hope she loses badly and eats shit tomorrow. More: HuffPost

Note 14: James Carville was back on Fox News shitting on Democrats this weekend. Are we sure he and John Fetterman aren’t the same person who can go fuck themselves? More: HuffPost

Note 15: If y’all haven’t seen Obama and Larry David together, then you are in for a treat. This had us howling. Also, Obama is a pretty good comedic actor.

Note 16: Ukraine spent the weekend fucking up Russians. We’re sure Trump was disappointed. More: AP

Note 17: We want to take another second to talk about AOC and applaud her for sharing this very personal information. We freaking love this kind of leadership. If or when she ever does start a family, we know it will be an awesome one and not have any Don Juniors in it. More: AP

Note 18: The Senate approved Todd Blanche at 4 a.m. over the weekend. So you know it’s totally aboveboard. His dirty miserable ass gets sworn in today. More: AP

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we’re going to the WNBA. While scumbag losers are trying like hell to make a mockery of the league, its players are refusing to let that happen. Congrats to Kayla McBride… More: Instagram

Note 20: And on that awesome note that made us feel really old, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all had a great weekend and are ready to kick some ass this week. We also hope Abdul keeps making fun of Trump for being a poopy pants. Love y’all!

Dems Heart Davey

Olympian Davey Hearn was targeted by the United States government in an effort to make the mad king’s lies true. Even after charges were dismissed, Trump has continued to go after Hearn over the Reflecting Pool bullshit. The good news is that Democrats are going to get Davey’s back. Rep. Jamie Raskin is going to go to war over this and launch an investigation into the White House and DOJ. And we know that Davey is going to sue the United States to hell and back. We have to win back the House, y’all. We need these investigations to come with subpoena power. We need to be able to fight back for Davey and everyone else who has been targeted by this administration.

More: New Republic

Trump Take Food

If you thought we were almost done with the Trump Shittin’ Disease, well, we’re sorry to disappoint you. Taylor Farms is now recalling jalapenos and avocados over salmonella fears. This is why it’s important for the government to do food inspections. Because when you stick your head up your ass and look the other way — as Trump has done — people get sick and die. So when is the fucked up company getting fined or investigated and when is Trump getting asked some real questions about this shit?

More: Yahoo News

Ouch

Man, Trump is never gonna get that peace prize. Over the weekend, Netanyahu made clear that Israel does not accept the proposed peace agreement Trump was pushing between Israel and Hamas. We’re shocked. We really thought this one was gonna work. Sorry to lay on the sarcasm so heavy, but how many times do we have to watch this shit happen before everyone figures out what’s happening? Anyway, it sure would be nice if Trump actually ended a war instead of just lying about ending wars.

More: AP

Today’s clips

MADISON, Wis. (AP) — Progressive candidates for governor in Wisconsin and U.S. Senate in Minnesota are making their final pushes ahead of Tuesday’s election, increasing the pressure on a Democratic establishment that has spent the year on its heels. More: AP

WASHINGTON (AP) — It’s been 12 months since President Donald Trump announced a crime emergency in Washington, pledging to make the city “safe and beautiful” and deploying the National Guard.

But a mission that seemed temporary has been extended through January 2029. Residents and a new cadre of local officials see in it an unacceptable attempt by the federal government to restrict the heavily Democratic city’s autonomy and, a year in, still question why having troops on the streets of the nation’s capital is necessary. More: AP

Congressional Democrats said they are investigating the Trump administration’s efforts to deport military service members and their families after The Associated Press foundmore than 50 active-duty troops’ spouses and parents have been detained by immigration authorities. More: AP

BRIDGEWATER, N.J. (AP) — Abdul El-Sayed, the Democratic nominee for U.S. Senate in Michigan, said Sunday he has spoken with Barack Obama and hopes the former president campaigns with him as the party tries to unite after a bitter primary that exposed deep rifts between its progressive and moderate wings. More: AP

LAS VEGAS — The case of rap icon Tupac Shakur’s killing has been unresolved for decades; now the man charged in his 1996 killing in Las Vegas is going to trial. More: NBC News

President Donald Trump on Sunday once again blamed vandalism for the botched renovation of the Lincoln Memorial Reflecting Pool ― but also made a startling confession about the evidence. More: HuffPost

Note: Howdy, Sexy Patriots! Congrats on making it to the weekend! We have much to discuss today, but we wanted to start with a very special farewell. Tennessee’s version of George Santos got his lying, bigoted ass kicked from the Cumberland River to Vandy yesterday and it was delicious. If you never heard of Andy Ogles, then you are lucky. Because he is a real piece of shit…

That’s not even the worst thing about him! He’s a pathological liar, a con-man, an anti-Muslim bigot, and he’s the kind of Republican who is so anti-LGBTQ+ that he is obviously working every rest stop glory hole from Memphis to Chattanooga. All of that is probably why Trump endorsed him. And he still lost his primary last night. LOL. Even for Trump’s Republican Party, this motherfucker managed to stand out for being extra awful. Imagine being too bigoted and too full of shit for Tennessee Republicans.

We’ve been burned too many times before to see this as a sign that the cult is coming to an end. But it’s the end of Andy’s career and it’s an embarrassment for Trump, and that’s worth celebrating. Andy will now have plenty of free time to eat shit, kiss our asses and go fuck himself. See you in the funny pages, Andy. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: We had a really fun therapy session yesterday. If you missed it, you can get caught up here.

Note three: So, um, Eric Swalwell and Katie Miller. Yikes. Man, Washington sure is fucked up. More: Sources Say

Note four: Rep. Dan Crenshaw says we should all shut the fuck up about high food prices and just eat ramen. We have some ideas for what Dan can eat. More: HuffPost

Note five: The charges against Davey Hearn were officially dismissed yesterday. We hope he sues the U.S. government to the point that it’s renamed the Davey Hearn Reflecting Pool.

Note six: Trump is back on his bullshit talking about running in 2028. With his approval numbers, we would actually fucking love that. More: HuffPost

Note seven: Trump and Stephen Miller spent yesterday defying the Supreme Court. They must like losing. More: NBC News

Note eight: Even the GOP wants Max Miller to resign. Well, most of them. Trump is still on board because he loves men who abuse women. More: NBC News

Note nine: Wait. There’s a fashion brand called “Fecal Matter?” We’re all gonna die. More: AP

Note 10: We’ll talk about Trump’s horrendous jobs numbers in the news section, but we wanted y’all to see the most ridiculous cope we’ve ever seen…

Note 11: This story is hilarious. A Trump aide wants to go to China, and China don’t want him there. More: Politico

Note 12: A press release said that Mitch McConnell left rehab and is now at home. Until his turtle ass tells us that himself, we’ll keep assuming he’s deader than disco. More: AP

Note 13: It’s great to see that Kristi Noem and Corey Lewandowksi are still grossing everyone the fuck out. More: TMZ

Note 14: Remember when Trump let a drugged out South African take a chainsaw to our government to save us money? Well it turns out that was bullshit. Yeah, we’re shocked too. More: CNBC

Note 15: In a world of Sophie Cunninghams, be a Gabby Williams…

Note 16: Laura Ingraham seems to have a little crush on Abdul El-Sayed. We get it. Dude is a hottie. More: HuffPost

Note 17: Trump is lashing out at Rosie O’Donnell and Michael Moore again. What fucking year is it? More: HuffPost

Note 18: LOL! ICE is saying its policy is to only release body cam footage when it’s in the best interest of the agency. We would like to be there when they explain this policy to a judge. More: NBC News

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we’re going back up to Michigan. This photo is a model for all of us to come together and defeat fascism. It’s also a good reminder that hugs feel good and we should all do it more.

Note 20: And on that heartwarming note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all have the most amazing weekend. Unless you’re Andy Ogles. Then you can fuck all the way off. Love y’all!

Lisa Lisa!

Props to anyone who remembers that old Pauly Shore song. We’re singing it today to celebrate Lisa Murkowski’s announcement that she will vote against Todd Blanche for AG. That means the vote comes down to Bill Cassidy. So fuck. With Fetterman shockingly voting against, Cassidy is the make or break vote for Blanche. But honestly, after Cassidy sold out his own life’s work to confirm RFK Jr., we don’t have high hopes that he has suddenly found a conscience or a spine. Still, we can hope.

More: NBC News

Golden (Showers) Age

Trump doesn’t understand why his approval numbers on the economy are so bad. Probably because his economy sucks. We got a new jobs report this morning, and holy shit is this thing a disaster. We lost 23,000 jobs last month and wage growth dropped. And it gets worse. The previous months were all revised down. Trump took the economy that Biden turned around after COVID and completely fucked it up with tariffs and a stupid war. And we’re all paying for it.

More: CNBC

Rolling

We already told you about Andy Ogles going down in flames, but Democrats won elsewhere in Tennessee last night. And we were excited to see that Justin Pearson won his primary. Last night, Democrats flipped the Montgomery County Commission, the Knox County school board and a handful of other seats that were held by Republicans (h/t Tennessee Holler). We were already feeling good about the midterms, but some of these victories have us wondering just how much we can run it up. Let’s fucking go!

More: MS Now

Today’s clips

CAIRO (AP) — Yemen’s Iran-backed Houthi rebels claimed responsibility for a series of deadly attacks this week, escalating the conflict between them and Saudi-backed Yemeni forces and raising fears of a wider regional conflagration.

The attacks have killed dozens of civilians and troops and also targeted Saudi tankers in transit from Red Sea ports through the Bab el-Mandeb Strait out to the Gulf of Aden and the rest of the world. More: AP

JACKSON, Miss. (AP) — Scott Colom is a gregarious prosecutor who grew up in Mississippi with a Republican father who campaigned for Ronald Reagan and counted political titan Thad Cochran as a friend.

That background sounds ideal for a U.S. Senate hopeful in a Deep South state run for generations by white conservatives.

Except Colom is a Democrat. And a Black man. More: AP

WASHINGTON (AP) — The labor union representing Treasury Department and Internal Revenue Service workers asked a judge Thursday to block a sweeping tax audit immunity agreement for President Donald Trump, arguing it would force career employees to choose between following a political order and abiding by the law. More: AP

An email blast from President Donald Trump on Wednesday seemingly attempted to guilt his supporters into donating money to him by claiming their “supporter status” had been “cancelled.” More: HuffPost

WASHINGTON ― President Donald Trump sued his own administration and got out of any ongoing IRS audits in an arrangement called illegal and unconstitutional by a federal judge, potentially saving the president $100 million he would otherwise have to fork over to the federal government. More: HuffPost

Love y’all!

Adam and Sam

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Note: Well, Sexy Patriots, the president of the United States didn’t get any smarter yesterday. No, he continued to be a divisive, racist, sexist, clueless moron. But at least he looks good, right? That Metamucil orange hue, the cartoon stink lines coming off of him and the tie that hangs down around his droopy nuts and knees. Yeah, he’s a real stud. And that’s why we can’t figure out why he went and changed his wig…

Looks like someone got a new ‘do. We wonder if it was made by the same guys who did the Reflecting Pool. If so, will it start leaking Giuliani-style and make it look like Trump is shitting out of his face instead of just shitting himself like usual? This is the kind of stuff that was considered newsworthy during the Obama and Biden years. Trump went to Los Angeles Tuesday and then showed up in Vegas Wednesday with new hair. What a totally normal real American who is not at all a very strange weirdo who constantly does weird shit.

At the end of the day, we’re way more concerned with cruel deportations, a lawless police force running roughshod over the American people and a stupid goddamn war in Iran. But this is a good reminder that Trump gets a pass from the mainstream media on just about everything. Hell, we’ve never even learned why the sonofabitch is orange. So congrats to the president on his new hair. If only we could get that dumb motherfucker a new brain to go with it. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: How about some therapy to help process all this weird shit? Great! We’ll see you at 4:30 p.m. ET/1:30 p.m. PT.

Note three: Max Miller has the morals of a serial killer. Kick his ass out of Congress, and then put his ass in jail where he belongs. More: Mother Jones

Note four: According to WaPo, Trump is telling donors that he wants Couchfuck to be the GOP nominee in 2028. Yeah and people in hell want ice water. More: Washington Post

Note five: We really hope this fucking idiot and his pet Bessent keep telling the American people how stupid we are for not appreciating this shit economy more…

Note six: If you’ve been reading us for a while, then you know we are big Jasmine Crockett fans. That’s why it’s such a bummer seeing stuff like this. We get that losing races is personal and painful, but we really need everyone to remember that this shit is bigger than any one of us. More: Mediaite

Note seven: Republican Senators are voting today to fuck with Fauci some more. What truly evil scumbags. More: NBC News

Note eight: The U.S. Attorney in Chicago is trying desperately to make his illegal fuck-ups disappear. That can’t happen. More: WTTW

Note nine: Trump has done everything possible to bring back coal. He has also brought back Black Lung. Congrats? More: NPR

Note 10: Man, Ken Paxton REALLY doesn’t want to answer questions. Pretty rich coming from the asshole who doesn’t think any women in Texas deserve privacy or rights…

Note 11: Bill Cassidy is pretending like he might vote against Todd Blanche. We don’t even know why we’re sharing this because we all know he’s a wuss who will cave in the end. More: HuffPost

Note 12: The chickenshit press are getting so close to calling Trump a liar. If only they weren’t so chickenshit. More: AP

Note 13: Minnesota Republicans are human garbage who would happily sell out their own state to Trump’s masked thugs. Vote accordingly, Minnesota.

Note 14: We now have new, highly detailed photos of the sun. Science is cool. More: AP

Note 15: Life finds a way. So do vaccines apparently. And even the guy who chops off racoon dicks can’t stop them. More: AP

Note 16: New Mexico is suing DOJ over the Epstein ranch files. We’re sure Todd Blanche will get right on this. Seriously was that dude on the island or what? More: HuffPost

Note 17: We really respect the way this dude hates on Ohio. This is real Michigan shit.

Note 18: Well this is fucking hilarious. Former NYC Mayor Eric Adams is now trying to sell data centers in Wisconsin. And he’s getting booed to hell and back along the way. More: Hell Gate NYC

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we’re taking you back to 2004. Today is the anniversary of Green Day’s “American Idiot.” Unfortunately, this song has proven to be timeless. But it’s a great resistance banger…

Note 20: And on that note that slaps, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all are having a lovely week so far. We also hope Trump’s new hair came from his ass. It might make him smarter (h/t Fletch). Love y’all!

Petering Out

Trump is big mad at his Secretary of Losing Wars. According to multiple reports, Trump spent last weekend at Camp David fuming at Pete Hegseth after learning that the U.S. is about to run out of missiles. Trump is reportedly furious with Hegseth for telling him it would be easy to take out Iran. In response, Hegseth’s bitch ass blamed one of his underlings. While it’s easy to blame Hegseth for being a moron who is more focused on getting rid of soldiers’ beards and making shitty work-out videos, let’s not forget the fucking idiot who hired this fucking idiot. Trump wanted a TV guy. The rest of us want competent military leadership.

More: The Independent, NBC News

Michigan Madness

AIPAC suffered a brutal loss this week when its $32 million in spending for Haley Stevens didn’t help her beat Dr. Abdul El-Sayed. Unfortunately, they seem undeterred and are considering staying in the state and spending big to help Republican Mike Rogers win. If you had any doubts about whether outside lobbying groups actually give a fuck about Americans or American democracy, this should put them to rest. We are so goddamn sick of everyone trying to buy our elections. Everyone is. That’s why it’s a political liability to take this money. So go ahead and do it, Rogers. We fucking dare you.

More: New York Times

$2,358

That’s how much you are paying for every single one of Donald Trump’s cruel deportations. The Economic Policy Institute broke it down, and that’s where our tax dollars are going instead of helping children not starve or helping Americans pay for healthcare. According to Axios, that amount of money could help almost 10 million people “gain access to low-cost public housing.” Or, “nearly 12 million people could receive Medicaid.” We really are a backwards ass country sometimes. If only we loved each other half as much as we hate everyone else.

More: Axios

Today’s clips

WASHINGTON (AP) — President Donald Trump’s administration said it plans to overhaul Head Start, tossing out many of the regulations that are the hallmark of the early education program for the nation’s poorest children. More: AP

WASHINGTON (AP) — The speed limit along Pennsylvania Avenue is 25 mph.

But the open-wheel race cars roaring through the longest straightaway of the upcoming Washington IndyCar race organized by President Donald Trump could be going nearly eight times that fast. More: AP

Americans are increasingly feeling a personal impact from extreme heat, according to a new poll from The Associated Press-NORC Center for Public Affairs Research. More: AP

MEMPHIS, Tenn. (AP) — A new Tennessee congressional map that carved up a majority Black district in Memphis is making its electoral debut Thursday in a primary election that will determine the nominees for a Republican attempt at a clean sweep of the state’s U.S. House districts in the midterms. More: AP

WASHINGTON (AP) — Construction crews working on a new helipad at the White House have taken apart the massive granite seal that would serve as the new landing spot for Marine One, signaling potential delays in the project. More: AP

Nevada Gov. Joe Lombardo (R) on Wednesday tried to tee up a moment of silence for a fallen police officer at a rally for President Donald Trump and was awkwardly met with boos from a Las Vegas crowd. More: HuffPost

A long-shot Democratic congressional candidate’s brawl at a Hawaii beach over the weekend has landed him behind bars. More: HuffPost

Note: Praise be to the Great Cookie Monster in the Sky! The Michigan primary is finally over (we think) and we are so excited to stop beating the living shit out of each other and focus on beating Trump and his gang of irredeemable assheads. That’s not to say we don’t understand the hard feelings out there. We get it. This shit feels so personal, and people get really invested. That’s a good thing. But it’s also a good thing to heal super quick so we can beat crap-eating toad taints like this gutless sonofabitch…

That, Sexy Patriots, is what a coward looks like. A weakling. A spineless, nutless, witless loser. A shell of a man. And that whole goddamn party is full of men and women just like this. Now this particular simp is retiring, which makes him even more pathetic. But it’s also an opportunity to replace him with someone who has a backbone, at least an ounce of self-respect and fewer pairs of ruined underwear from shitting himself at the thought of a mean tweet from Trump.

We don’t have a Congress right now. It’s yet another casualty of the Trump era. An entire branch of government has squeezed its sorry self all the way up Trump’s ample orange ass. And it’s up to us to pull it out, clean it up and get it back on its feet. America deserves better than weaklings and kiss-asses. So let’s come together to beat the simps and the wimps. Because this shit is pathetic. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: While you were sleeping, creepy fucking pervo Rep. Chuck Edwards announced he is ending his re-election bid. So why the fuck isn’t his gross ass resigning? More: CNN

Note three: HUGE props to Kansas and Missouri voters who saw some attempted Republican power grabs and rose up to defeat them. Nice try, scumbags. More: KansasCity.com, Kansas Reflector

Note four: While we’re talking good news, Happy Ted Lasso Day to all those who celebrate! More: Slate

Note five: We wish we were kidding about that moon thing, but Elon Leon just can’t stop fucking things up…

Note six: Ugh. Todd Blanche actually gets worse. Not only is he a lying, sleazy, corrupt piece of shit who coddles child rapists, but he’s also coming for women’s rights. More: New Republic

Note seven: Susan Collins announced she’s voting against Blanche. This means he already has the votes and Thune is letting Collins pretend to be a moderate. Let’s hope Maine voters are sick of this song and dance. More: CNBC

Note eight: Hey so why is the Israeli government locking up American teenagers and why isn’t Trump getting him out? More: Zeteo

Note nine: House Democrats are going on offense big time. We need this Blue Wave to be a Big Goddamn Blue Tsunami. Let’s go! More: Politico

Note 10: Hey so what the fuck is wrong with Tom Emmer? Aside from the obvious…

Note 11: You know what has given us hope that we might not actually be too fucking dumb to survive? The near-universal hatred of data centers. We saw Trump on Fox last night talking them up, and we hope he never stops. Idiot. More: Futurism.com

Note 12: Speaking of data centers, check out this story about Justin Pearson and his fight to save Memphis from Elon Leon and the federal government. More: Politico

Note 13: If you’re ever feeling overwhelmed, just remember that we are up against very, very stupid people…

Note 14: It looks like everyone in Texas is coming together behind Talarico. We love it! Don’t let the online bullshit get to you. Same team! More: Texas Tribune

Note 15: Last night in Kansas, Democrats nominated another pastor as our U.S. Senate candidate. It’s not a one-off. Check out this story about how we’re now the party of pastors. Who knew? More: Religion News

Note 16: Trump and Stephen Miller are locking up the spouses and parents of active-duty military. Thank goodness these assholes support the troops because we can’t imagine what it would look like if they didn’t. More: AP

Note 17: Americans are sick and fucking tired of Republican losers blaming Joe Biden for everything. But we love that they keep trying it…

Note 18: Trump Shittin’ Disease is spreading, so be safe out there. And remember that nobody ever crapped themselves to death eating ice cream. Probably. More: NBC News

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we wanted to share this video we saw on social media last week. This is the energy that gives us hope. This is Real America shit. This is why we’re going to win…

Note 20: And on that righteous note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all are having a great week so far. Unless you’re John Cornyn. That dude can fuck off and eat shit. Love y’all!

Another Epstein Cover-up

Sen. Ron Wyden dropped a bombshell yesterday, sharing that 60 Minutes did a big piece on Epstein that was then censored by the new leadership at CBS. Former correspondent Sharyn Alfonsi was reportedly working on a story about all the banks that worked with Epstein, but she was pushed out and the piece was apparently killed. CBS is pushing back and pretending like they were still working on the story until they fired Alfronsi. Sure, Jan. We are not at all surprised that CBS is now covering for rich pedophiles. But we sure are fucking bummed about it.

More: People, The Wrap

Despicable to the Max

Alleged abuser Max Miller did a round of television interviews to proclaim his innocence yesterday, and they went very, very badly. So of course Trump and Mike Johnson have decided to stand by Miller, with Trump even saying last night that he feels “badly” for Miller. Trump did not offer any support for Miller’s ex-wife or child or Sen. Bernie Moreno. Today is the last day for Miller to get out of his congressional re-election race, but it seems like the scumbag party is going all-in for him. The Democrat running against him is named Brian Poindexter. And he’s not a piece of shit.

More: The Independent, Politico

Michigan Madness

Man, that fucking primary just did not want to end. So a lot of us went to bed last night not knowing who won in the closely-watched and hardfought Democratic U.S. Senate primary in Michigan. But this morning while we were writing, the AP and CNN called the race in favor of Abdul El-Sayed. Needless to say, the polling that showed Abdul beating Haley Stevens in a landslide did not pan out and this one was a nailbiter. So we are gonna be desperate in begging Michiganders to come together now and unite to defeat Mike Rogers. We’ve already seen Mallory McMorrow endorse Abdul and make plans to attend a unity rally later this week. Hell yeah! Congrats to Abdul and his campaign and congrats to Haley Stevens on going the distance. Now let’s get on the same team again. Please.

More: NBC News

Today’s clips

Three people have been charged with allegedly threatening witnesses in the investigation surrounding the death of Mississippi teen Nolan Wells in three different instances. More: NBC News

Rep. Shri Thanedar has lost his Democratic primary in Michigan to state Rep. Donavan McKinney, NBC News projects, in a victory for the party’s progressive wing. More: NBC News

WASHINGTON — The Federal Aviation Administration is reviewing an air-traffic safety incident ‌Tuesday involving a military helicopter carrying President Donald Trump, the agency said. More: NBC News

Police said they responded to the Miami-area home of celebrity blogger and podcaster Perez Hilton, after they received reports that he engaged in self-harm in livestreamed video Tuesday night. More: NBC News

The box **Jeanine Pirro** wheeled out of the White House wasn’t from cleaning out her desk ... it was apparently evidence showing the Lincoln Memorial Reflecting Pool damage was the result of a crappy renovation, and not a vandal. More: TMZ

SPOKANE, Wash. — Fire crews continued to make progress battling three wildfires overnight, strengthening containment lines and mopping up a spot fire, an incident commander said Tuesday. More: NBC News

RICHMOND, Va. (AP) — Virginia voters on Tuesday picked establishment Democrats — a prosecutor and a former congresswoman — as their nominees to take on Republican incumbents in two congressional districts the party hopes to flip in November as part of a broader fight for control of the U.S. House. More: AP

KYIV, Ukraine (AP) — Russian attacks on Kyiv and its surrounding region killed 17 people and wounded dozens, President Volodymyr Zelenskyy said Wednesday, as Ukraine’s depleted air defenses failed to stop any of Moscow’s incoming missiles overnight. More: AP

WASHINGTON (AP) — A federal judge decried efforts to rewrite the history of the Jan. 6, 2021, attack on the Capitol as he reluctantly dismissed the seditious conspiracy case against members of the far-right Oath Keepers extremist group at the Trump administration’s request. More: AP

Jon Stewart blasted Sen. John Fetterman (D-Pa.) for prioritizing Israel over domestic issues, telling him, “That is not our country.” More: HuffPost

Note: Well, Sexy Patriots, it’s official — we’re the media now. And we’re not sure we are ready for that awesome responsibility. We just know those other fuckers aren’t either. In today’s New York Times, super asshole, failed actor and spoiled rotten rich kid David Ellison is insisting that he is a totally normal both-sides dude who totally wouldn’t interfere at CNN and CBS the way he has interfered at CBS.

You know what our reply to that is? FART NOISE!!!!!!! Because fuck that lying little weasel. Everyone knows that the Ellisons aren’t just tools; they are tools of the Israeli government and Donald Trump. They have let Bullshit Bari Weiss destroy CBSNews and 60 Minutes and they have thrown party after party to kiss Trump’s ass. Only a fucking moron would think this dude is telling the truth. Or the editors of the New York Times editorial page.

The good news here is that little rich boy is clearly worried about this merger going through. And that makes us happy. Thank you to the AGs who are giving this spoiled shit some heartburn. He deserves it. And if worse comes to worse, we’ll be the media. But we can’t imagine anyone wants that from two sexy motherfuckers like us. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: Hey so the president of the United States is a money launderer. Seems like a big deal, don’t it? More: ABC News

Note three: We’re all waiting for Jeanine Pirro to get fired after she dropped charges against the Reflecting Pool people. We don’t actually care that she displeased the king. We actually do care that the president is trying to put people in prison to validate his idiotic delusions and obvious lies. More: AP

Note four: John Cornyn and Thom Tillis are sackless chickenshits who are continuing the Epstein cover-up even though they had nothing to lose. We hope they both fuck right off. More: HuffPost

Note five: Texas, what the fuck are you doing? Making weed a felony? Just when we thought the Lone Star State couldn’t suck any worse. Y’all need some James Talarico in your life stat.

Note six: While all eyes are on Michigan today, we do want to remind you that there are lots of elections going down, and you should probably go vote if one is happening near you. Just please remember to not vote for any assholes. We’re all full up. More: Bolts Mag

Note seven: Zohran Mamdani is doing a good job. And our cities are not hellholes. More: ABC7 NY

Note eight: For weeks, Trump has been saying the U.S. controls the Strait of Hormuz. We knew he was lying, but it was still pretty jarring when he confessed yesterday that he’s hoping to have it open by today. More: HuffPost

Note nine: We’re almost afraid to ask this, but who are you voting for today, Michiganders?

Note 10: Trump is about to start shooting blanks. If only he’d started sooner, then we would have to deal with Don Jr.

Note 11: ICE has killed again. Please remember this if you’re having a hard time getting behind a Democratic candidate this year. We have to stop this horror show. More: HuffPost

Note 12: We want to thank Chuck Schumer for helping Republicans fund the government and ensuring that Trump continues to do whatever the fuck he wants. God forbid our leaders try and stop this shit. More: NBC News

Note 13: Trump says Blue Cities have gross trees. We doubt he knows jack shit about trees, but he is an expert on gross.

Note 14: Happy birthday to President Barack Obama. Goddamn we miss you, man.

Note 15: ICE is putting ankle monitors on Haitians. Guess they ran out of gold stars. More: Cincinnati.com

Note 16: Thank you to comedian Chelsea Handler for being shocked at how much Joe Rogan made last year. She responded better than we can. More: HuffPost

Note 17: This clips needs no introduction. But let’s get this man some Taylor Farms lettuce right away…

Note 18: Reuters has Trump’s approval at 35 percent. He’s in the cellar to everyone except Washington Republicans and reporters. More: Reuters

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we ask you to remember to support your local library. Before they kill again…

Note 20: And on that hilarious note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all are having a good week so far and not watching CBS. Because they suck. They suck hairy donkey nuts. Love y’all!

Trump Shittin’ Disease

We don’t mean to make light of this since it is now officially deadly. Two people have now died in Michigan from cyclosporiasis just days after the president of the United States said he hadn’t given the illness any thought. Maybe it should be a scandal that the president and his HHS secretary don’t give a fuck if Americans get sick or die. Anyway, please be safe out there. Eat chocolate instead of lettuce. It’s safer.

More: NPR

Almost Over

We’re staying in Michigan for this one. Y’all, we did it. We made it to the end of the bitter, nasty and divisive Michigan Democratic primary for the United States Senate. We will know tonight if we’re supporting either Dr. Adbul El-Sayed or Rep. Haley Stevens. We honestly don’t give a shit who wins anymore. We just want it to be over so we can start the healing and win this seat in November. So please, for the love of all that is holy, let’s get on the same page starting tomorrow. And if you live in Michigan, don’t forget to vote!

More: VoteBeat, AP

Creeps

Donald Trump is sticking by Max Miller. At least publicly. Trump backed Miller, who has been credibly accused of beating his ex-wife, ex-girlfriend and child. Trump joined Gym Jordan in telling Americans what a good guy Miller is. But behind the scenes, Trump suggested Miller shouldn’t run for re-election. Polling shows Miller having a hard time against Democrat Brian Poindexter, and that’s why Republicans are suddenly calling for him to step down. But notice they are not saying the same about Rep. Chuck Edwards, who was found by the House Ethics Committee to be a serial sexual harassment creepshow. Their response is to try and censure him instead of booting his gross ass out of the House. This is the Republican Party, y’all.

More: CNN, The Guardian, NPR

Today’s clips

WASHINGTON — A federal judge is allowing the Department of Homeland Security to go ahead for now with plans to build a border wall through a levee system protecting a small Texas town on the border with Mexico, rejecting arguments by the town that the wall could lead to flooding. More: NBC News

A 37-year-old Spokane, Washington, resident with a previous manslaughter conviction was arrested Monday in connection with the largest of the region’s three wildfires, which have displaced thousands of people and destroyed hundreds of structures, authorities said. More: NBC News

More than 20 states and the District of Columbia sued the Trump administration on Monday to block it from getting wide access to the personal information of millions of recipients of a benefits program for low-income families. More: NBC News

NEW YORK (AP) — Investors in Elon Musk’s space company get a chance to question him Tuesday after SpaceX issues its first quarterly earnings since going public. More: AP

WASHINGTON (AP) — President Donald Trump is making a rare visit to California and Nevada this week to try to draw contrasts with Democrats on the economy, border security and crime, seeking to shore up support for Republicans in November electionsthat will determine whether his party keeps control of Congress. More: AP

WNBA star Caitlin Clark responded to recent anti-trans comments from her teammate Sophie Cunningham, saying leagues should work with athletes “to find solutions” regarding trans girls and women in sports. More: HuffPost

Note: Howdy, Sexy Patriots! How was your weekend? Whoa! Really? Well usually club soda will get that out, and we’re sure your neighbors will accept your apology. We’ve all been there. We spent our weekend working on a new side hustle that we are excited to announce today. We stay pretty busy as it is, but this idea for a new business hit us and we just couldn’t resist.

So today we are thrilled to announce the launch of business, the Rich Old White Motherfucker Moving Co. And we’d like to thank this decrepit shit for the inspiration…

LOL! Oh no! But if James leaves the party, who else will go on cable news to shit all over us and our party? Gosh, we might even develop some self-esteem without party leaders who hate us. That’s why we came up with this new business. We are happy to help James and Bill Maher and any other rich old white motherfucker who’s still pretending to be a Democrat move their Republican asses to somewhere else. Or they can just go fuck themselves. We’re good either way.

We know we said it’s going to take everyone to defeat the forces of darkness, but we don’t need turncoats and self-appointed gatekeepers. We need youth. We need energy. We need to win. And James ain’t bringing none of that. The good news for him and his ilk is that there is already a party for rich old white motherfuckers who hate Democrats. They’re called Republicans, and we are happy to help James move his wrinkled ass on over there. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: Donald Trump won yet another golf tournament this weekend. And if you believe that shit then just go ahead and hit yourself in the head with a goddamn parking cone because you are too dumb for a serious punishment. More: The Independent

Note three: The Michigan primary is tomorrow. We are so fucking happy it’s going to be over. We don’t care who you vote for, but please vote and then let’s all come together on Wednesday and save this country. More: MS Now

Note four: A lot of folks have been wondering about the significance of Aug. 3 in Kentucky as it pertains to Missing Mitch. Gov. Andy Beshear dropped an update this morning. More: KBSI23

Note five: Hey let’s check in and see how the war against Iran is going and oh shit that ain’t good…

Note six: You know what Democrats in coastal states really love? Being treated like a piggybank and then told they don’t matter as much as Democrats in the middle of the country. Why do so many of our people insist on dividing us like this? Especially when they got fewer votes than Kamala Harris. More: Politico

Note seven: Trump is threatening Canada again. We’re so sorry, Canadians. We remember how y’all helped us with the California fires, so we really hate that we’re being such dicks. More: HuffPost

Note eight: Speaking of fires, Washington State has been through it these last few days. We’re sending love! More: NBC News

Note nine: Congratulations to Chuck Schumer on the spending deal he just made with Susan Collins. With a leader like Chuck, we might as well be Republicans. More: AP

Note 10: WNBA player Sophie Cunningham has decided to become famous by being anti-trans and posing with Riley Gaines. We thought we’d highlight this badass coach instead…

Note 11: Man, it is just fucking impossible to trust Gavin Newsom. What the hell, dude? More: The Wrap

Note 12: Remember last week when we were lamenting the fact that Trump and Kushner killed the World Cup? Well their plan was so radioactive that it was abandoned. Fuck Infantino. More: AP

Note 13: George Santos had to pay more money for being a piece of shit. It really should have been a bigger story that Trump put this criminal back on the streets. More: AP

Note 14: Did anyone see the new Spider-Man this weekend? Don’t tell us anything. We’re dying to see it. More: HuffPost

Note 15: Oh dear. The Epstein scandal ain’t just hurting Trump. We’re gonna need more of this, please…

Note 16: Hey, Kansas! Don’t let Republicans steal your Supreme Court tomorrow! More: AP

Note 17: The local press in Maine are reporting that Elon Leon is going all in on trying to save Susan Collins. This feels like a gift for Troy Jackson. More: Press Heald

Note 18: We debated whether or not to show a clip of RFK Jr. completely losing his shit on CNN this weekend while lying about covid and Fauci. Ultimately, we decided we like y’all too much to force that shit on you. But you can check it out here… More: HuffPost

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we’re going to Vegas, baby! But we’ll warn you — this song is catchy as hell and it will get stuck in your head. If you’re lucky… More: Instagram

Note 20: And on that lyrical note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all had a great weekend. Unless you’re James Carville. That dude can eat shit. Love y’all!

Total Poolshit

On Friday, the Department of Justice dropped all charges against former Olympian Davey Hearn. Hearn was the innocent American who Donald Trump tried to put in prison for 10 years over the incompetent refinishing of the Reflecting Pool. While people like Nate Silver don’t give a shit about this, we think it’s a huge deal that the president of the United States repeatedly lied to the American people and even tried to imprison an innocent man to cover up for his fuck up. Trump is even doubling down on his lie, fighting with Pirro on Truth Social. Our guess is Hearn will have the last laugh when he sues DOJ for a shitload of money.

More: NBC News

The Blanche Flinch

If you’re a regular reader of this newsletter, then you know we never really got our hopes up that Republicans would sink Todd Blanche’s nomination. And we were right to be skeptical. John Cornyn and Thom Tillis are folding and voting to approve Blanche’s nomination after the acting AG agreed to a deal to kill the weaponization fund in writing. And if you believe that, you probably also believe Trump just won another golf tournament. Oh and the deal they all agreed to still gives Trump total immunity from the IRS. Everything about this shit stinks.

More: AP

Mad Max

Max Miller is an abusive piece of shit, and Bernie Moreno is a coward who protected him. If you’ve been following Ally, then you know that Max Miller is a monster who allegedly abused his ex-wife and child. You also know that Republicans have circled the wagons around Miller even as Democrats were dumping Graham Platner. That shifted slightly over the weekend after Miller put out a tone-deaf live stream in which he uses typical abuser language to lay out why he couldn’t have possibly done those things he definitely did. Almost immediately after Miller’s performance, Sen. Bernie Moreno said that Miller should not be the Republican nominee in that district and shouldn’t be running for Congress. Our hunch is that the real dealbreaker was new polling suggesting that Democrat Brian Poindexter is in a position to send Max home for good. This whole thing is disgusting, and Mike Johnson should have to eat it every fucking day.

More: Politico, NOTUS, Common Dreams

Today’s clips

WASHINGTON (AP) — President Donald Trump has played this hand before during the 5-month-old Iran war.

It starts with a grim warning to Tehran that the Republican president is on the cusp of ordering U.S. forces to “obliterate” its power plants or seize key parts of its oil industryif its leaders don’t quickly agree to U.S. terms to end the war. It ends with him edging away with a last-minute declaration, sometimes at the behest of Gulf allies, that he’s going to give diplomacy more time. More: AP

WASHINGTON (AP) — President Donald Trump’s administration is planning a dramatic overhaul of Head Start that would gut its quality standards, upending the hallmarks of the early education program for impoverished children, two people familiar with the deliberations said. More: AP

Maryland lawmakers will kick off a special session Monday to consider a first step in a partisan redistricting initiative that could help Democrats pick up an additional U.S. House seat by 2028. More: AP

South Carolina Republicans are reportedly worried about the election pickle President Donald Trump has put them in after the unexpected death of Sen. Lindsey Graham. More: HuffPost

Mauricio Pochettino agreed to remain U.S. Soccer’s men’s national team coach through the 2030 World Cup, insisting there’s “tremendous potential” to bring America to the sport’s upper echelons, officials said Monday. More: NBC News

PACIFICA, Calif. (AP) — Top dogs were riding waves Saturday at the annual World Dog Surfing Championships as hundreds of spectators cheered -- and barked -- from the Northern California beach. More: AP

Watch it. Share it. Help make sure as many people as possible see him expose himself with his own words.

Note: Ya know, Sexy Patriots, maybe it’s our fault for making an assumption. But after years of watching Republicans eat gameshow host shit, we just figured they aren’t that quick. Can you blame us? But it turns out we were wrong. Republicans are actually very quick. Just watch this sonofabitch run away…

Whoa. Mike Collins might be a white supremacist/nazi piece of shit, but he’s got some wheels on him! He ran from those reporters like they were expecting teen mothers asking for help. Dude is really greased lightning when he gets asked about his fuckhead son and all his racist buddies. And it ain’t just Mikey who’s running. Ken Paxton is basically Usain Bolt, if Usain Bolt was a criminal scumbag who cheated on his wife, got impeached and deserved to eat shit in hell. And Ken should be scared after yesterday’s Fox News poll shows him losing by 3 to James Talarico.

So what’s our takeaway from all of this? We’ve got these dirty motherfuckers on the run. They are running away, they are running behind and they are running scared. And their big orange daddy can’t save them. So full speed ahead, Sexy Patriots. They can run, but they can’t hide. Y’all have a blessed day. More: Fox News

Note two: We had a very productive therapy week. And man we really needed it. If you missed yesterday’s session, you can check it out here…

Note three: Republicans took food aid away from 1 million kids last year, and they think that’s a good thing. Sick fucks. More: HuffPost

Note four: Remember how Bernie Moreno is a gutless coward who likes to take on Dr. Fauci but won’t go after the man who abused his daughter? Well that man, Rep. Max Miller, was allegedly also accosting the woman’s legal team. And Republicans are backing him all the way. More: HuffPost

Note five: We’ll be honest — we had not heard of Oliver Larkin until yesterday. But we are big fans now…

Note six: Great news, everybody! Trump says he got Hamas to disarm. What’s that? You don’t believe him? You’ve heard this bullshit before? Well we guess that’s fair. More: NBC News

Note seven: Going back to Max Miller for a second, you gotta see how Gym Jordan freaked when he got pushed on his friend’s abuse of his wife and child. Gym sure loves to cover for abusers. More: HuffPost

Note eight: Are you an American who wants to be super fucking embarrassed of your country? Well then just read this piece about how the State Department used AI to create a map of Africa that got literally every country wrong. Great work, Marco! More: The Guardian

Note nine: Add FIFA and the World Cup to the long list of cool shit that Trump broke. More: AP

Note 10: Need a new ringtone? Might we suggest the soothing sounds of Vivek Ramaswamy getting booed to hell and back?

Note 11: We really need this Michigan primary to be over. It is ugly as fuck, and we’re not sure some of the things being said can be un-said. NO LINK JUST LOOK ON SOCIAL MEDIA

Note 12: The Washington press might not give a shit about the Epstein survivors, but Katie Phang does. And that’s bad news for Trump and Todd Blanche. More: MeidasNews

Note 13: We think of ourselves as Hall of Fame cussers. But Hunter Biden might be the GOAT…

Note 14: Remember Kim Davis? She was the clerk who refused to give a gay couple their marriage license. Well she’s still lying and being trash, and we are not even a little surprised. More: People

Note 15: Tina Peters is helping Trump try to rig the midterms. So we’d like to once again like to invite Jared Polis to go fuck himself. More: MediaMatters

Note 16: It’s paywalled, but the NYT has a story out today about how the audiences for right-wing media are disappearing. Is it possible the cult has had enough? More: New York Times

Note 17: LOLOL!!! If you’re the person who did this, please let us know so we can buy you a beer…

Note 18: We have good news and bad news. The good news is they are making a series that will be a sequel to Clueless. The bad news is it will be on Paramount. More: HuffPost

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we hope this puts as big of a smile on your face as it did ours…

Note 20: And on that rockin’ note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all have an amazing weekend. And if you see any Republican Senate candidates, get out of the way. They’re in a hurry. Love y’all!

Shakedown Street

Trump sucks at everything except corruption. He is really fucking good at being corrupt. Maybe the best ever. The Wall Street Journal has a story about how Trump calls his shakedown secretary — known as the “princess of darkness” — every night to tell her which executives to call and how much money to tell them they need to donate to “the boss.” For reasons we will never understand, this is treated by the rest of the press like it’s totally normal. It ain’t. And if we win the House and Senate back this fall, whoa boy are we gonna do some investigating.

More: Wall Street Journal, The Independent

Say This at a Rally!

This is just the greatest thing we’ve seen all week. According to Dr. Fauci’s diary, President Obama reached out to him with some choice words for Trump and Don Jr. Yes, the real president called Trump “a hopeless idiot” and a “pathological liar.” And what did 44 call Don Jr.? A “fucking moron.” LOLOL!!! When he’s right, he’s right! This whole attack on Fauci has turned our goddamn stomachs, but we are super grateful for this revelation.

More: HuffPost

He Admit It!

So yesterday Trump said he is fine with pulling Todd Blanche’s nomination until such time he can replace Sens. Cornyn and Tillis with more pliable Republicans. He doesn’t seem to get that at least one of those seats — and maybe both — is about to be filled by a Democrat. But that’s ok. And to be honest, we expect one or both of those guys to cave at some point. But what’s really revealing here is that Blanche has repeatedly told everyone that he doesn’t need to put it in writing that the Jan. 6 slush fund is dead because just saying it is sufficient. And then this morning Trump got on Truth Social and made it clear that Blanche has been lying. Trump still very much wants his slush fund so he can put our money in the pockets of child molesters and cop beaters. Fuck that and fuck him.

More: WMBD Radio

Today’s clips

LOS ANGELES, July 30 - A movie producer is seeking $105 million in damages from Netflix after he says a copy of his unreleased Nicolas Cage movie was stolen from the streaming service’s studios in Hollywood. More: NBC News

New York’s attorney general sued prediction market operator Kalshion Friday, claiming that its platform violates state laws against illegal gambling. More: NBC News

NEW YORK — Who will be there each morning with Solange French’s eggs at breakfast, and who will be ready with soup or fish at lunch? When the 91-year-old needs help in the shower, who will rush to her side, and when it’s time for a doctor’s appointment, who will take her? Who will do the laundry or buy the groceries or clean the house?

Until now, the answer has been a doting home health aide from Haiti named Martha Nelson. But with the Supreme Court sanctioning a White House immigration crackdown, Nelson’s permission to stay in the country appears likely to be yanked within days, leaving French worried. More: NBC News

An attorney for the family of Nolan Wells said Thursday that they have hired audio engineers to review a distress call made from a boat on the day of his disappearance, which has prompted online speculation and claims of defamation amid the ongoing investigation into the 18-year-old’s death. More: WDEF

DALLAS (AP) — One of Scouting America’s biggest gatherings has eliminated dedicated spaces for gay youth, women and scouts of color as the organization faces pressure from the Pentagon to pull back diversity efforts. More: AP

SEATTLE (AP) — Seattle’s police chief resigned Thursday amid criticism that the city was slow to release key information about a fatal shootout at a food festival last weekend. More: AP

SAN FRANCISCO, July 30 (Reuters) - Anthropic said on Thursday some of its Claude AI models had hacked into the systems of three companies during cybersecurity tests, a disclosure that comes days after rival OpenAI revealed that one of its AI agents went on a rogue attack. More: HuffPost

Most importantly, thank you for continuing to show up, laugh with us, and help build this incredible community. We couldn’t do it without y’all, and we’re grateful for every one of you.

Love y’all! ❤️

Adam and Sam

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Note: Well, Sexy Patriots, yesterday was rock bottom. Or it would be if every goddamn day wasn’t rock bottom. We’re the United States of Fucking SpongeBob. Watching goons like Rand Paull and Ron Johnson go after an American hero like Anthony Fauci yesterday was simply beyond the pale. Just look at this crazy shit…

Oh Tommy. You brainless buttheaded bitch boy. It never stops being amazing to us that someone can be either that stupid, that craven or both. And these are the motherfuckers who are accusing Fauci of killing people?! Why? Because he didn’t tell them to inject bleach or shove livestock suppositories up their dumb asses?! Sorry he’s not a fucking quack, Tommy! Anyway, we wanted to get an expert’s opinion, but we couldn’t find one who would talk to us. So here’s an interview with the man currently in charge of our health policy, RFK Jr…

Us: Please put the flamethrower down.
RFK: My xylophone is trying to kill me!
Us: We don’t think that’s true, and you’re scaring us.
RF: I cut off little pieces of my own butt cheeks and eat them for dessert!
Us: That’s pretty fucked up even for you. So about Fauci…
RFK: I SLEEP ON A BED OF FINGERNAIL CLIPPINGS AND LIES!
Us: Ok we’re gonna go and head on out. You have a good day now.

Ok that was terrifying. At no time were we in danger of falling in love with him. But that’s just us. Anyway, we’re being led by idiots and lunatics and we really need to fucking do something about it this November. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: How about some more therapy? Yeah, we could sure use it. Let’s do 4:15 p.m. ET/1:15 p.m. PT. See you then!

Note three: Whoa. Big Emerson poll out of Michigan this morning showing Abdul opening up a big lead over Stevens. We stay out of primaries and we’ve been hurt by polls before, so take this for what it’s worth. We mostly just want this thing to end. More: The Hill

Note four: Speaking of not believing polls, Fox News has us absolutely fucking rolling in the Senate battlegrounds. Now let us all ignore these and continue to bust our asses. More: Fox News

Note five: Trump’s polling has hit new lows. He crossed over into 60 percent average disapproval, and two polls out yesterday had him in the Bush bunker in the low 30s. Even his dumbshit base is starting to crack a little.

Note six: Holy shit! Even the AP has him at 33 percent! More: AP

Note seven: Even the cowboys at the Secret Service are blowing the whistle on Trump’s efforts to lock up Jim Comey. More: MS Now

Note eight: Iran update — We are still at war, they still control the Strait, they are not wiped out, their military has not been defeated, there is no way out and our president is a goddamn moron. More: NBC News

Note nine: Sen. Bernie Moreno tried to act like a tough guy with Fauci yesterday. If only Moreno acted this tough with the U.S. Rep. who abused his daughter. Fucking coward. More: The Hill, People

Note 10: We really wish every Democrat would learn to talk this way about the sick sonsofbitches we’re up against. Git his ass…

Note 11: It’s good to know that in this country you are still allowed to call Kash Patel a “googly-eyed Kremlin bitch.” Because he is. More: HuffPost

Note 12: Trump is telling Oregon fire fighters to go fuck themselves. America first, right? More: KGW

Note 13: Megyn Kelly says that Fauci hurt more people than ‘Epstein. Megyn Kelly really loves her some pedophiles. More: MediaMatters

Note 14: Joe Rogan wants to know how anyone can defend the destruction of Gaza. Maybe he should look in the fucking mirror. More: HuffPost

Note 15: Man, Pope Bob is just a really good dude.

Note 16: Age is just a number, y’all. If you don’t believe us, ask Too $hort. More: AP

Note 17: Hey can someone tell us why the effing fuck our tax dollars and our DOJ are being used to help Trump fight the woman he sexually abused and defamed? More: AP

Note 18: How scummy is Katie Miller? Dr. Fauci helped her through panic attacks and she’s still going after him and lying about him. Just straight up human garbage. More: NOTUS

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we thought we’d take a second to applaud the creativity of the resistance. We’re fighting fascism, and doing some cool shit along the way. If you’re looking for any gift ideas for your favorite cussing newsletter, here’s an idea…

Note 20: And on that clean note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all are having a great week. We also hope that the people going after Fauci contract super crabs and their genitals fall off. Love y’all!

Time to Kick Some More Nerd Ass

It seems that Elon Leon didn’t learn his lesson the last time he got involved in an election. Despite dropping millions of dollars into the Wisconsin Supreme Court race last year, Elon got his shit rocked and then went away with his tail between his legs. (He might actually have a tail.) Well, apparently he wants some more medicine because there are reports that he’s going to go big on the midterms. Between him and the overwhelming cash advantage the Republican committees have, it does look like we’re gonna be outgunned. But you know what they say — they’ve got the guns, but we’ve got the numbers. Let’s make Elon cry again.

More: Axios

Nice Try, Nutlick

It wasn’t that long ago that Epstein pal Howard Lutnick was telling us the second quarter of 2026 was gonna be huge. Nutlick even said we’d be hitting 6 percent GDP this year. Oops. This morning we learned that second quarter GDP actually came in at 1.5 percent, well below the expectation of 2.1 percent. Why? Well because the president of the United States is one of the dumbest motherfuckers on the planet and he started a stupid war to go along with his stupid tariffs. When you combine this with yesterday’s realization that the markets hate Kevin Warsh for being a Trump kiss-ass, you start to realize that we’re just at the beginning of the turbulence. Everyone, buckle up.

More: AP

Sweat, Todd

The Senate Judiciary Committee was supposed to be voting on Todd Blanche’s nomination to be AG today. But they are postponing. Why? Well because Todd is refusing to put into writing that he won’t go along with the Jan. 6 slush fund or immunity from audits for Trump and his family. And the fact that he won’t put it in writing even with his nomination hanging in the balance really says it all. John Cornyn of all people has emerged as Blanche’s top obstacle to confirmation. Our assumption is that Cornyn will eventually get on his knees and do what he’s told. But we are enjoying watching the Epstein cover-up artist squirm a little.

More: The Hill

Today’s clips

Elon Musk’s company xAI has sued Minnesota over the state’s first-in-the-nation law that bans “nudification” technology on websites and apps, potentially providing a test for how far states can go in constitutionally regulating the use of artificial intelligence. More: AP

The father of a 10-year-old rescued from pounding surf off the California coast in a dramatic scene captured on video says he is beyond grateful to the teenage lifeguard who saved his son. More: AP

WASHINGTON (AP) — The American Dream may not be dead for many Black Americans, but it is further away than at any point since the Civil Rights Movement, warns a report by the National Urban League. More: AP

**JACKSON, Miss. —** The family of Bart Edmiston Jr., one of Nolan Wells’ friends, has sent a cease-and-desist letter to a social media user it accuses of spreading false claims linking Edmiston to Wells’ death. More: WAPT

WASHINGTON – A senior Trump administration official is using his government social media account to name and attack sitting federal judges whose rulings he doesn’t like, sparking accusations that he’s putting their safety at risk at a time when judges are facing increasing threats of violence. More: HuffPost

A fast-moving wildfire, one of several blazes to erupt across heatwave-scorched southern Europe in recent days, has forced George and Amal Clooney to evacuate their multimillion-dollar estate near Brignoles in Provence, southeastern France. More: HuffPost

GENEVA (AP) — FIFA President Gianni Infantino set a Sept. 19 deadline on Wednesday for the 211 member federations to accept one-off $20 million offers as part of a project to sell stakes in the World Cup to private investors. More: HuffPost

Note: Sexy Patriots! This week has sure been a helluva month. But at least it’s… oh shit it’s only Wednesday. If you’re like us, you’ve noticed an uptick in the infighting as we get closer to the most important Election Day since the last one. People are really on edge and understandably so. Well, we’ve called out the infighting enough lately, so today we just want to tell you how much we love you.

These last 10 years have been a relentless goddamn nightmare. You are living through unprecedented times as an American. And it sucks. It sucks hairy hog butt. But we are so fucking grateful to have found this community to help us get through it. Y’all are the fucking balls, man. We have faith and hope because we have your sexy asses on our side. And there’s no one we would rather go into this battle with than you. We know it hasn’t been easy, but we are so damn proud of y’all for staying in this fight.

Now we’re about to blow our goddamn stacks after watching Randy Paul have Fauci’s attorney thrown out of a Senate hearing, so we better get to the cussing. But before we do, we just want to say thank you for everything you’re doing to beat these fucking assholes. You are the best of this fucked up country. Y’all have a blessed day. And here’s a video of what it looks like when we write the newsletter…

Note two: If that sweet opening note wasn’t enough to soothe your mental health, check out yesterday’s Therapy Session. It was a good one!

Note three: CNN has Trump’s approval rating at 34 percent. Ouch. More: CNN

Note four: Trump is going to make prescription drugs more expensive for seniors on Medicare. It’s like he’s doing everything he can to lose the midterms. We appreciate the assist. More: Wall Street Journal

Note five: Trump mostly slept through Lindsey Graham’s funeral yesterday. When he was awake, he didn’t do Christian shit. Because he’s the goddamn devil. The good news is Lindsey is still dead.

Note six: July is coming to an end, which means we’ve got a whole new month of elections. And thanks to the good folks at Bolts Mag, there’s a handy guide to what’s going down. More: Bolts Mag

Note seven: Damnit. RIP to Glen Hansard. That man had a beautiful voice, and we’re sorry to see this. More: NBC News, YouTube

Note eight: We have a new Director of National Intelligence who has no background in intelligence. But he is an election denier, so that’s fun. More: NBC News

Note nine: LOLOL!!! Ross Douthat is going to 60 Minutes. We are very excited for people to see the little weirdo who talks about masculinity. Some folks have a face for print. More: The Guardian

Note 10: We talked about this in therapy yesterday, but Jack Reacher is coming back this month and we fucking love the dude who plays him. He is on a tear right now…

Note 11: Mike DeWine sucks. But even he knows it is cruel and wrong to fuck with the poor Haitians in Ohio. More: The Hill

Note 12: Can someone explain to us why Rep. Max Miller has been getting a pass from the mainstream media? Is it because he’s not a Democrat? More: MS Now

Note 13: Even UFC fighters are sick of Trump’s bullshit. And this dude gets hit in the head for a living!

Note 15: The World Cup might be over, but Trump is still trying to fuck it up. More: AP

Note 16: John Mellencamp might have dropped the Cougar, but he’s still got claws. Git their asses, John! More: HuffPost

Note 17: If you need another reason to hate data centers — and you don’t — just remember that Willie Nelson hates them too. And Willie is an angel on earth.

Note 18: We know everything sucks right now, but Rick Moranis is coming back and that is something to celebrate. More: People

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we’re taking you to Iowa. This ad President Obama cut for Josh Turek is the most fun we’ve had watching an ad this year. We especially love the part where 44 says he knows “something about winning Iowa.” Go Josh!

Note 20: And on that awesome note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all are having a great week. We also hope you’re hanging in there, keeping your head up and doing everything you can to fuck up some fascists (at the polls). But we know you are. That’s what makes you so sexy. Love y’all!

Deja Vu All Over Again

Remember that MOU and the ceasefire? Yeah, we don’t either. According to Fox News this morning, Trump is back to threatening to blow the “fucking shit” out of Iran. At this point, Fox is the only one left who believes this shit. Trump has no idea what he’s doing or what he wants to do, and Iran is getting stronger by the day. This is a truly idiotic quagmire, and we have no idea how dumbshit is gonna get out of it.

More: The Hill

Delete Facebook

So we don’t actually have a link for this story because the only one we can find belongs to Newsmax. And they are garbage, which is why it’s news that Meta has entered into a content-sharing agreement with the right-wing fake news channel. Yeah, Mark Zuckerberg isn’t content to fuck up your children. He also wants to finish off American democracy and reality itself. If you still have Facebook, now is probably a good time to get rid of it.

NO LINK

We Stand With Fauci

Well this morning has been fucking appalling. Rand Paul, who is obviously jealous of Fauci as a doctor, has been attacking the good doctor at a Senate hearing all morning. Dr. Fauci had to plead the Fifth, and Rand even threw his lawyer out of the room. Republicans screamed and yelled and talked about how great livestock medicine is and Democrats… well, we’re not sure what they did. Thank goodness that President Biden pardoned this good man before these goons could get a hold of him. And just as a reminder — Trump spent those early covid days playing golf, lying about it and bragging about his television ratings.

More: NBC News

Today’s clips

CAIRO (AP) — Iran launched a barrage of missiles at American forces in the Middle East early Wednesday as the U.S. partnered with Saudi Arabia to strike Tehran-backed militias in neighboring Iraq, killing at least 20 fighters. More: AP

KYIV, Ukraine (AP) — Ukrainian forces hit two of Russia’s biggest oil refineries overnight in its latest long-range strikes, officials said Wednesday, as Kyiv deepened its economic, military and diplomatic pressure on Moscow. More: AP

WASHINGTON (AP) — Federal officials involved in the prosecution of James Comeymisled judges, submitted false statements and withheld key facts during the course of the investigation, according to new defense filings that seek the dismissal of a case charging the former FBI director with threatening President Donald Trump on social media. More: AP

**Nolan Wells**’ mother, **Christine Wells-Wonsley**, is making moves in court to get her hands on her late son’s social media accounts, TMZ has learned. More: TMZ

Kentucky Gov. Andy Beshear (D) addressed Sen. Mitch McConnell’s lengthy absence on Tuesday amid rampant speculation on the condition of his health.

CNN’s Kaitlan Collins asked Beshear if he believes the photos released by McConnell’s office were an “accurate portrayal” of the senator’s condition. Beshear said he did not know. More: HuffPost

If you saw Donald Trump appearing to fall asleep during Lindsey Graham’s funeral on Tuesday, the White House has a special message for you: You’re a “depraved moron.” More: HuffPost

Love y’all.

Adam and Sam

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