America the mess

It’s Monday. There are 707 days until the midterm elections. Elon Leon is out of control, Republicans are fine with a rapey Pentagon chief and Biden’s $1 trillion win.

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity like turkeys gobble — all the time and to the point that it’s so irritating you just have to eat them.

Note: Sexy Patriots! We hope y’all are excited for the holiday week ahead. We know things suck on the politics/democracy/basic-decency fronts, but hopefully we can all at least rest a bit. And if you’re worried about some Trumpy relatives, then there’s something you might want to consider. They are America. And America is just a fucking mess right now. For example…

Goddamnit, y’all. Like we said — just a fucking mess. Trump has announced nothing but rapists and billionaires, and almost 60 percent of the country is fine with it. That’s pretty effing fucked up. And it’s made us realize that maybe the reckoning we need to face isn’t as a party but rather as a country. What if we need to start rethinking the way we look at ourselves? Like instead of a majestic bald eagle, we are a drooling creepy sex criminal eagle that got brain damage after it flew into a brick wall. Doesn’t that just sound more accurate right now? Like instead of “oh wow it's an eagle how beautiful” now it’s “oh gross it’s one of those dumbfuck eagles let’s go inside before it shits all over us.”

But here’s the thing — We can help that eagle. We can get it into physical therapy and rehab for the brain damage and clean the shit off its feathers and it can soar again. Probably. We don’t know what to do about the creepiness. Anyway, that’s what we came up with this weekend. We hope it was helpful. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: As you can tell by that opening note, we could use a little time off to recharge and refresh. So we’re going to take off the back half of the week to hang with the family, count our blessings and get ready for the fight ahead. If you need some cussing while we’re away, just shoot us a note and we’ll see what we can do.

Note three: Trump is keeping hidden who is funding his transition. But don’t worry. He’s usually pretty trustworthy when it comes to this shit. Oh wait. More: Rolling Stone

Note four: Farmers are asking Trump to spare them from his mass deportation plans. Gosh. Is it because migrants do all the hard work to get us food and deporting them would fuck up the economy pretty royally? Who could have seen this coming except everybody?! More: Reuters

Note five: The new head of the FCC is already threatening news organizations he doesn't like. We would sure love to ask him what he thought of Fox having to pay almost a billion dollars for lying about an election.

Note six: We freaking love Ukrainian boxer Wladimir Klitschko, and we especially love how he’s calling out Joe Rogan’s wimp ass. More: Independent

Note seven: The mean Trump war on trans people is only escalating as there are now reports Trump is planning to kick trans people out of the military right after he is inaugurated. Yeah, the draft-dodger who is caked in make-up is taking a stand. More: Independent

Note eight: If you’re looking for some good news for the blue team, then our friend state Sen. Bob Duff has got you covered. Bob wrote this oped about how Democrats actually grew their majorities in Connecticut on Election Day. And he explains how. More: Stamford Advocate

Note nine: It’s been a while since we had a can’t-miss show recommendation for you. A Man on the Inside starring Ted Danson and streaming on Netflix is an absolute delight and it gets the TBS endorsement. And no we’re not being paid to say that. But if Netflix wanted to give us some money, we’d be totally cool with that.

Note 10: The owner of the L.A. Times has gone full-on Trump kiss-ass. Seriously what is the point of having billions of dollars if you’re just going to be a total chickenshit wimp?

Note 11: For all you rap fans out there, what did you think of Kendrick’s new album?

Note 12: We got a bunch of new cabinet picks on Friday evening. They’re mostly Fox News scumbags who are going to get us all killed. More: AP News

Note 13: Trump is also hiring possible nazi Seb Gorka. So that’s gross. More: Esquire

Note 14: Kudos to Adam Schiff, who was just elected to the U.S. Senate and is already promising to stay tough in the face of Trumpism despite the endless threats of retribution. We’re gonna do the same. More: HuffPost

Note 15: Holy fucking shit this is hilarious. Our next AG was at Doodie Pooliani’s infamous Four Seasons Landscaping presser! So you know she’s super competent!

Note 16: A shocker in women’s college basketball this weekend as UCLA ended South Carolina’s 43-game win streak. Congrats to South Carolina Coach Dawn Staley on such a crazy good run, and congrats to the Bruins for wrecking it. More: CBS Sports

Note 17: Marjorie Taylor Greene is going after NPR. So all that kissing ass didn’t do them a bit of good. More: Rolling Stone

Note 18: Chuck Woolery died. Oh well. More: AP News

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we give you country music superstar Sturgill Simpson saying what needs to be said over and over and over again…

Note 20: And on that much-needed note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all don’t have to work too much this week. Seems like everyone deserves some time off to try and forget about the dumb shit America just did. We could call it Regret Week! Love y’all!

Who voted for this asshole?

Leon Elon Musk bought a president, and he is really feeling himself. Musk spent the weekend on social media threatening to arrest mayors who don’t go along with Trump’s bullshit and openly talking about buying MSNBC. America has an actual shadow president who is a super rich maladjusted asshole with zero sense of empathy or coolness. And our actual soon-to-be president is fucking bad enough on his own. If there’s good news here it’s that we want the rest of America to hate billionaires as much as we do, and we think Elon Leon is going to help us get there.

(The richest man in the world is threatening to arrest American mayors and we couldn’t find a single goddamn news story about it to link to. Good job, media.)

Evil

Yesterday Republican senators made the Sunday news show rounds, and they made clear they don’t give a damn that Pete Hegseth was credibly accused of raping a woman. People like Markwayne Mullin and Eric Schmidt said they don’t believe the woman. Bill Hagerty went even further and said Americans don’t care about background checks. It’s stunning how many Senators are eager to give up their power to Trump. Let’s hope enough of them have too much ego to let that happen.

More: HuffPost

Go Joe!

According to the Biden White House, Dark Brandon’s economic policies have sparked $1 trillion in private investment. Yes, that is fucking huge. And no, America didn’t seem to care. It will never not be crazy to us that one of the best economic presidents of our lifetime is regarded as one of the worst. And one of the worst is regarded as one of the best. Like we said at the beginning, America is a fucking mess right now. So thanks, Dark Brandon. Sorry we didn’t give a shit.

More: Axios

Today’s clips

After announcing he would not return to Congress, Matt Gaetz appears to be trying out a new career option: creating personalized videos for his fans on Cameo. More: NBC

Tulsi Gabbard, Donald Trump’s pick to lead the intelligence community, was briefly placed on a Transportation Security Administration list that prompts additional security screening before flights after her overseas travel patterns and foreign connections triggered a government algorithm earlier this year, three sources familiar with the matter told CNN. More: CNN

Sen. Tammy Duckworth (D-Ill.) said Sunday she believes former Fox News host Pete Hegseth is “inordinately unqualified” to run the Pentagon after he was nominated to be the nation’s next defense secretary by President-elect Donald Trump. More: HuffPost