An orange hair in your fries
It’s Monday. There are 15 days until Election Day. Elon tries to buy America, the Central Park Five sue Trump and America loves Harris-Walz.
Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity like it just found a gross orange hair in its fries.
Note: Sexy Patriots! It’s so great to see you. We missed you yesterday, but it’s probably best that we took the day off. Otherwise we were gonna do one of our fake interviews with one of Arnold Palmer’s testicles (it was the left one), and nobody needs that. But can you really judge us for being a little goddamn loopy these days? This shit is intense! And dumb. So so dumb…
What the effing fuck?! Look, there are a million things that bothered us about Trump’s cheap stunt yesterday — the credulity of the media, his ducking questions about raising the minimum wage, the fact that his man boobs clearly dipped into the french fry grease — but we’re oddly stuck on this notion that Trump voters are so goddamn dumb that they had to practice going through the drive-thru…
Is this it? Am I doing it right?
No, Brenda. You’re talking to a trash can. Try talking to the box with the speaker.
This is so confusing! Am I doing it right?
No, Brenda. You just stuck a chicken McNugget in your ass.
Oh no! I’m going to starve to death!
Anyway, America, be smart and be healthy and just say no to Trump and McDonald’s. Y’all have a blessed day.
Note two: How’s everybody holding up? Yeah, we’re pretty freaked the eff out and fired the eff up too. It’s a weird and exhausting combination of emotions. The good news is we got one of those polls you should admire. It’s been a while since we’ve seen some high-quality polling, and today we got some swing state polls from the Washington Post that show Kamala Harris winning a tight race after taking Georgia, Michigan, Wisconsin and Pennsylvania. The poll has us tied in Nevada and losing in Arizona and North Carolina. Let’s run the table and end this fucker. More: Washington Post
Note three: Yikes! The Committee for a Responsible Federal Budget says that Trump’s proposals would drain Social Security in six years. It’s kind of amazing how all of Trump’s plans would be totally destructive. There aren’t even any that are like neutral. They’re just all dumb and dangerous. More: CRFB
Note four: VP Harris’ fundraising will be studied for years because she has just crushed it. Politico reported over the weekend that the VP outraised Trump 3-to-1 in September. Dayum. She brought in $222 million for the month while Trump limped to the barn with $63 million for the month. Hers is bigger. More: Politico
Note five: This is only kind of about politics, but it’s a video of Jets quarterback and prominent anti-vaxxer RFK Jr. supporter Aaron Rogers eating his boogers. Gross, dude.
Note six: HUGE congratulations to the New York Liberty on winning their first WNBA championship. The head coach of the Lynx said the game was stolen from them, and really can’t anyone accept a loss these days? More: ESPN
Note seven: 60 Minutes responded to Trump’s bullshit by calling bullshit. Maybe he should go on the show and they can talk about it. More: CBS
Note eight: Even the conservative Fifth Circuit seems unsure about Elon Leon Musk’s favorite judge doing him favors. More: Bloomberg Law
Note nine: Hooray! We have both voted. Have you? It feels really good, everybody is doing it and it will make you look cool.
Note 10: The folks over at Dominion aren’t fucking around…
Note 11: It’s pretty gosh damn alarming that Trump is flat out refusing to release any medical records. How the hell are we gonna end up knowing more about Arnold Palmer’s body that Trump’s? More: ABC4
Note 12: That reminds us — we know you know this by now, but Trump spent part of his weekend talking about the late Arnold Palmer’s weiner. Palmer’s daughter wasn’t super happy about it. More: AP
Note 13: Is this fucked up nightmare what it looks like when America is great again?
Note 14: In Alaska, Sen. Lisa Murkowski has endorsed the reelection bid of Democratic Rep. Mary Peltola. We’re not questioning it. We’re happy to have it, and we want to win this seat. So let’s go! More: Alaska Public
Note 15: Ohio Republican U.S. Senate candidate Bernie Moreno is a disaster, blaming his staff and his family for his shart of a campaign. We really need Sherrod Brown to bring this home. More: The Guardian
Note 16: Vice President Kamala Harris went to church yesterday. Trump was gonna go but he’s the goddamn devil. More: The Atlanta Voice
Note 17: Jellyroll Dingusmouth (JD) Vance attacked Liz Cheney yesterday. Then he went back to kissing Trump’s ass like it just got back from a war. (We’re sorry to link to the NYPost) More: NY Post
Note 18: Trump literally won’t stop calling us all “the enemy within.” Fox hosts are all but begging him to stop, and he won’t. So maybe we should all take that creepy shit seriously. More: HuffPost
Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we just want to wish a belated Happy Birthday to Vice President Kamala Harris. We are so grateful for the way she has inspired and energized and fought for us. She is someone we are damn proud to support, and we can’t wait to see her sworn in. Let’s do this, y’all.
Note 20: And on that birthday note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all had a lovely weekend. And we really hope you know how to order from a fast food restaurant without practicing. Love y’all!
Lock him up!
We found one of those immigrants who wants to destroy the country that Trump is always talking about. His name is Elon Leon Musk and he’s camped out in Pennsylvania trying to buy votes. We wish we were kidding. Gov. Josh Shapiro is contemplating an investigation after Musk announced he’s giving away $1 million a day to people who sign his gross petition. We say take his money, but we also say this is extremely fucked up and a terrifying harbinger of what this country is becoming.
More: CBS
Git his ass
The five men of color who Donald Trump falsely accused of a vicious rape in Central Park in the 1980s are suing Trump in Pennsylvania for defamation after he continued to insist they are guilty. Trump famously took out a full-page ad in the New York Times calling for the young men to be put to death. The lawsuit focuses on lies Trump told about the men during his debate with VP Harris. We’re not lawyers, but we hope they take him for every penny.
More: CNBC
We love them
We love VP Harris and Coach Walz. Y’all know that. But America does too. In some pretty shocking poll numbers released this morning by the Associated Press, we see that VP Harris is above water in favorable/unfavorable numbers with 51 percent of Americans having a favorable view of her to 46 percent who don’t. Coach Walz is four-points above water at 41/37. Justa Damndisaster (JD) Vance is still hilariously underwater at 33/48, and king fuckhead is still hated at 40/58. So someone please explain to us how this race is so close it’s making our asses sweat?
More: AP News
Today’s clips
Vice President Kamala Harris on Sunday reacted to former President Donald Trump calling her a “s---” vice president, telling the Rev. Al Sharpton on MSNBC that “the American people deserve so much better.” More: NBC
The Biden administration is proposing a rule that would provide women with private insurance access to over-the-counter birth control pills and other contraceptives at no cost, the White House said on Monday. More: NBC
Joni Mitchell didn’t hold back as she slammed GOP presidential nominee Donald Trumpand encouraged her fans to vote in this year’s election at a show in Los Angeles on Saturday. More: HuffPost
No hairnet. No gloves. I serve neighbors through a food bank. Training is a requirement. I do not serve anything that is cooked, The cheese boxes are refrigerated. Defendant 45 belongs on Fort Leavenworth. In a single wide. Out in the open without any trees or bushes. Just a 10 food fence with razor wire. His Secret Service contingent needs a double wide. Feelings? Yep. I have feelings. The 70's where he learned horrible racism at his daddy's knee. Which grew into his treatment of the Central Park Five, A whole horror story by itself. The Defendant 45 has built a structure of misery with torture of his fellow humans. And he seeks to rule us all. God help us all
Today’s big stuff news was beautiful and best of all, not horrible. Keep it up