Billionaires suck

Happy Friday. There are 696 days until the midterm elections. Republicans are still protecting Matt Gaetz, billionaires are about to break America and Elon Leon bought himself a presidency.

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. But it sings like a goddamn angel.

Note: Hey, Sexy Patriots! Yesterday Sam went on social media and called Morning Joe a “gutless kiss ass” and Joe wrote back whining about civility and so Sam told him “pretend like I’m trump and kiss my ass” and then Joe deleted his posts. It was pretty hilarious. It also led us to sit down and write a rather shocking and comprehensive list of all the different kinds of shit Joe and Mika can eat, but we realized that they’re just too damn pathetic these days to waste time on (even though we laughed for like 10 minutes over aardvark shit).

Look, we understand people are scared and trying to make sense of nonsense. But we can promise you that the way out of this terrifying mess doesn’t run through Trump’s colon. Or Elon’s either. We’re so confused to see a Democrat like Ro Khanna doing everything he can to legitimize Trump and Elon’s efforts to cut social security, Medicare and Medicaid while sharing stages with trash like Nancy Mace. We lost an election by like 2.5 million votes. Can we not lose our souls, principles and minds too?

Appeasement doesn’t work. It never has. It never will. Kamala Harris lost, but she got the third highest vote total of anyone to ever run. We’re not going to start winning elections by selling out everyone who voted for her and trying to be MAGA Lite. Morning Joe and Mika are the cautionary tale. And we’d rather kiss our own asses than that of some fascist gameshow dumbfuck. Stand for something and fight, or put on a red hat and get out of the way. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: How the hell is this psycho still in the running for SecDef? Oh right because the Republican Party loves psychos who hate women.

Note three: Gross. Trump put David Nut Sacks in charge of AI and crypto. We always thought Terminator 2 was just a really cool movie, but it’s definitely going to happen now. Bye, humanity! More: CNBC

Note four: The scum-sucking ghouls at Anthem decided to reverse that sick policy about cutting off anesthesia. We don’t condone murdering healthcare CEOs, but it appears to get results. (This is a joke. We are very much anti-murder.) More: NBC

Note five: Sen. Brian Schatz is calling on President Biden to pardon Leonard Peltier so he can die a free man surrounded by his family. We join this call and hope Biden will do the right thing. More: The Hill

Note six: We had never seen this before, but it looks like a pretty great tool with which to fight the insurance companies…

Note seven: Melania was on Fox and Friends this morning. We’re gonna have to listen to more stupid shit about Be Bestest or something aren’t we? NO LINK

Note eight: Mitt Romney gave his farewell speech and we didn’t even know about it. We’re fine with that. Did Sinema give one too? Because we would really love the ignore the shit out of that thing. More: The Hill

Note nine: A Republican Rep. got in a fight with the head of the Secret Service yesterday and it was exactly as dumb as you would expect. Can someone please tell them they’re both awful? More: HuffPost

Note 10: Has anyone seen Justflatout Disappeared (JD) Vance? Are Ashely Furniture stores on lockdown?

Note 11: It’s nice to see some people have principles and guts…

Note 12: Last night Fox had an event where they named Trump “Patriot of the Year.” Now we know why he couldn’t come to our event to pick up his “Biggest Asshead of the Century” award. More: HuffPost

Note 13: Btw, Trump this morning doubled down on Hegseth, calling him a “winner” even though his gross drunken ass is struggling to get confirmed. More: The Guardian

Note 14: Biden, like Obama, had exactly zero people in his administration indicted. Imagine a country where the mainstream media praises something like that instead of siding with criminals. More: Washington Monthly

Note 15: How much would we have to pay her to not have dinner with her?

Note 16: NYC Mayor Eric Adams is talking about switching to the Republican Party. It makes sense. He’s an anti-immigrant criminal who enjoys kissing orange ass. We thought he was already a Republican. More: Politico

Note 17: Tim Walz gave his first post-election interview and it will break your damn heart. More: CBS

Note 18: This story had us laughing our asses off. Trump troll Ric Grennell was reportedly paying other Trump trolls to push for him to be Secretary of State. What a fucking loser. More: Politico

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we give you the Biden economy. Today’s jobs report showed that the economy added 227,000 jobs last month. This is really good news and more proof of the miraculous Biden economic recovery that the American people didn’t give two shits about. Sigh. More: CNBC

Note 20: And on that insanely frustrating note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all have a restful weekend. Unless you’re Joe and Mika. Then we hope you spend the weekend reflecting on how much you suck. Love y’all! And here’s dancing Christopher Walken to help you start your weekend right…

What about Hunter?

Republicans who spent the last week furious about the Hunter Biden pardon voted yesterday to continue protecting alleged child rapist Matt Gaetz. After Democrats forced a vote to release the ethics report on Gaetz, the House GOP circled the gross criminal wagons and protected Gaetz yet again. So why the hell isn’t the New York Times hyperventilating? Oh right. They only do that for Democrats.

More: NBC

Billionaires suck

Elon Leon Musk and Vivek Ramaswamy were on Capitol Hill yesterday getting their asses kissed by Republican (and too many Democratic) lawmakers. What’s insane about this is Elon and Vivek are openly talking about cutting social security, Medicare and veterans’ benefits and a bunch of starstruck politicians are acting like this is a good thing. We’re excited to hear from these politicians why they want to fuck over our veterans to make a billionaire happy.

More: AP News

Nauseating

Speaking of Elon Leon, it turns out he bought himself a U.S. presidency. After denying that he would spend $50 million a month to elect Trump, Elon Leon did just that, including spending $20 million on “RBG Pac” to try and win voters who were worried about Trump’s war against abortion rights. All told, Elon Leon bought the White House for about $250 million. Didn’t you think this nation’s soul was worth more than that?

More: NBC

Today’s clips

Thousands of people have fled the Syrian city of Homs as rebel fighters pushed further south with their rapid assault on government forces, a leading monitoring group said. More: NBC

The gunman who shot and killed UnitedHealthcare CEO Brian Thompson outside a hotel in Manhattan on Wednesday is still at large. More: HuffPost

A 7.0 magnitude earthquake was reported off the coast of Northern California on Thursday, according to the United States Geological Survey. More: ABC