Brain worms for all!

It’s Monday. There are 714 days until the midterm elections. Catching up on some bad health news, Trump sure does love men who assault women and it sure seems like the mass deportation stuff was real.

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. It will never go away. Unlike JD Vance.

Note: Sexy Patriots! We missed you! Everything keeps getting stupider by the goddamn second, and we need to cuss about it with you. Unfortunately, we’ve got more cuss words than answers for what’s happening to our beautiful dumbshit country. But there is one thing we want to be super fucking clear about — less than half of us voted for this asshead…

That’s right, America. You’re not a total lost cause. No matter what they say. It’s sure as fuck closer than it should be and it’s of pretty cold goddamn comfort since our country’s going right down the crapper. But we’re desperate to believe in the overall goodness of this backwards-ass country, and this feels like a nice little toehold from which to rebuild.

You hear that, Donnie?! No 50 percent for you, fuckface! So yeah everything is horrifying and dumber than hell but at least we don’t have to live in a country where more than half of the people think this fascist idiot should be president. Yay! Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: We don’t usually do two intro notes, but when we saw the news about Morning Joe and Mika going to Mar-a-Lago this weekend to grovel before Trump, we decided to make an exception. So fuck Joe. Fuck Mika. Fuck Trump. They can kiss our asses after they kiss each other’s asses and then fuck off and go eat all the shit. They are spineless despicable people who should move up Trump’s ass and stay there until the world forgets how much they suck. Fucking assholes.

Note three: President Joe Biden is making some moves that count down the stretch as he authorizes Ukraine to fire U.S. missiles into Russia. We probably should have done this a while ago, but we’re all in fuck-it mode now. More: NBC

Note four: The attorney for Matt Gaetz’s underage victim is going on television today to share more about how Gaetz went to several drug-fueled sex parties where he raped a teenager against a pool table. This is who Republicans want as Attorney General. Sick sonsofbitches. More: Politico

Note five: Trump has named a new FCC chair. He’s an Elon Leon kiss-ass who wanted Saturday Night Live to be punished for having Kamala on. More: NBC

Note six: So this is one of those tricky pictures where your eye is immediately drawn to all the deranged scum and you forget to notice that the Vice President-elect wasn’t invited. Where in the world is Just Disappeared (JD) Vance? Maybe he got his little weiner stuck in a couch. Or maybe even the weird assholes think he’s too much of a weird asshole.

Note seven: We sure hope that McDonald’s didn’t mess up RFK’s steroids and livestock medicine regimen.

Note eight: Beyonce is going to perform at the NFL halftime show on Christmas Day. So at least we’ve got that to look forwarded to. More: CBS

Note nine: Want to know how stupid and awful shit is going to be? Trump wants pollster Ann Selzer investigated because her poll was wrong. God this is gonna suck. More: USA Today

Note 10: Finally some good news — the NBA and Warner Bros. made a deal to get us “Inside the NBA.” We need Shaq, Charles, Kenny and Ernie talking shit to each other again. More: ESPN

Note 11: You might have noticed that we are sharing some Bluesky posts today. We are making the move over there. We’re still gonna post on other platforms, but Bluesky seems like the place to be. You can find us here…

Note 12: Seriously fuck Joe and Mika. We are so freaking mad about this. And we already hated them!

Note 13: Politico had a story this weekend from a Silicon Valley CEO who voted for Harris who suggested we all love to learn Elon Leon Musk. Our response to that is fuck no. There are gonna be a lot of people telling us to kiss ass and go along to get along. Let us be clear — our values are not up for negotiation. NO LINK

Note 14: Thank you to President Biden for becoming the first sitting U.S. president to visit the Amazon Rainforest. He was smart to check it out before Trump takes a bulldozer to it. More: NPR

Note 15: Oklahoma’s school kids are about to get very dumb and very weird. More: Oklahoman

Note 16: This is the irredeemable human garbage Trump wants leading the military…

Note 17: Trump’s transition team is planning to court martial members of the military. Meanwhile our party let Mike Flynn do whatever the hell he wanted. More: NBC

Note 18: Holy hell it looks like we’re gonna hang onto a critical seat on the North Carolina Supreme Court. Fingers crossed, everybody! More: NC News Online

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we give you the Betty White Forever Stamp. Yeah, we’re pretty desperate for good news these days…

Note 20: And on that golden note, let’s go do some news! Thank you for being a friend. And thank you for not being soulless shit-eaters like Joe and Mika. Love y’all!

Brain worms for all!

So thank you for letting us take a day off Friday. We really needed it. What we didn’t need was to spend the day reading about how the brain worm asshole who hates vaccines and loves using women is our new HHS secretary. Like what the fuck?! We knew Trump Part II would be bad, but he really seems to want to kill us all. Make sure you’re up to date on all your vaccines before January. And then maybe start growing your own food and medicine or something.

More: MSNBC

The woman protector

Matt Gaetz allegedly rapes teenagers. Pete Hegseth had to settle over charges of sexual assault. RFK Jr assaulted his babysitter. Dana White slapped his wife on camera. Elon Musk paid off a sexual harassment lawsuit with a pony. And of course a judge said Trump is a rapist. This is the new American government, and it really hates women. Maybe our gutless press corps could ask more questions about this heinous shit.

More: NBC

Here we go

Yesterday MAGA Mike Johnson went on CNN and tried to tamp down fears over Trump’s mass deportation plans. He was full of shit. This morning Trump confirmed on social media that he is planning to declare a national security emergency and use the military for mass deportations. America just did something really stupid, and it’s about to find out just how stupid.

More: The Hill

Today’s clips

House Speaker Mike Johnson on Sunday left the door open to adjourning Congress so President-elect Donald Trump can appoint his Cabinet nominees outside of the usual Senate confirmation process if necessary. More: NBC

Biotech entrepreneur Vivek Ramaswamy, who has been named to lead President-elect Donald Trump’s proposed Department of Government Efficiency alongside tech billionaire Elon Musk, promised Sunday that many government agencies will soon be “deleted.” More: HuffPost

Scott Pelley recapped the Cabinet picks of President-elect Donald Trump in the “60 Minutes” opening Sunday, enraging MAGA supporters despite the segment’s recitation of facts. The summary “is exactly why no one respects the legacy media anymore,” one person complained on X, formerly Twitter. More: HuffPost