BS Bondi

It’s Thursday. There are 656 days until the midterm elections. House Republicans scare the hell out of us, Pam Bondi is full of crap and Dark Brandon says goodbye with a warning.

Be advised: This newsletter uses bad words. Mostly to call bad people bad things. But those rotten sonsofbitches have it coming.

Note: Ok, Sexy Patriots, we have given this a lot of thought and we’re gonna Michelle Obama this sitch and skip The Shittening of America. That’s what we’re calling Monday, and we will not be calling it anything else. We accept that Trump is going to be sworn in and be president and we accept that it is going to suck. But we refuse to call it that shit or watch it or pretend like there’s anything good at all about The Shittening. So what are we doing instead? Oh we’re so glad you asked…

We’re going to make fart noises with our armpits. Well, Adam is. Sam inverts his hands and pushes them against his mouth to make fart noises. But that’s what we’ll be doing on Monday, well, that and honoring Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. Please allow us to explain. While Republicans are freezing their corrupt asses off at The Shittening, we propose a designated time when we all sit down and make a fart noise, or raspberry as some people call it, to protest just what an absolute shitshow is happening. You can do the thing with your armpits or hands or just stick out your tongue and do it. You supply the noise, and Trump Republicans will provide four years of the stench.

We don’t know exactly when asshead will be sworn in, and frankly we don’t care. So why don’t we say Noon ET on Monday? Does that work? Can you schedule a really loud fart noise for then? Ok awesome, then that’s what we’ll do. We will mark The Shittening with The Great Fart Noise of 2025. Is it dumb and immature? Yep. But so is everything else, so let’s get stupid. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: We’re gonna talk about this in the news section, but last night Joe Biden told us it’s our turn to stand guard for democracy. He’s right, so that’s exactly what we’re gonna do.

Note three: Yesterday Biden announced a ceasefire in Gaza. Today, Bibi Netanayahu says there’s a holdup. Was Biden getting too much credit? This is bullshit. Get those hostages back now. More: AP News

Note four: The Washington Post is in freefall. This is what happens when you sell out your mission to kiss rich ass. Thanks to all of you who sent a message by canceling your subscriptions. More: NPR

Note five: Liddle Marco Rubio is a tiny-weinered weasel who acted like a tiny-weinered weasel at his confirmation hearing yesterday. More: CBS

Note six: It’s impossible to express how much we hate the White House press corps and love it when Dark Brandon tells them to fuck off…

Note seven: Doug Burgum’s confirmation hearing is today. We maintain that he is not a real person and instead just someone Trump made up. More: NPR

Note eight: While we were writing this, Doodie Pooliani was supposed to be in court. But he hasn’t shown up. Please please please let that slimy fuck finally go to jail. More: NBC

Note nine: House Democrats are pushing Mike Little Johnson to follow the law and hang a plaque honoring the Jan. 6 cops. Can someone tell us why the hell this isn’t a major scandal? More: CBS

Note 10: We are big Jasmine Crockett fans, and we wanted to make sure you saw this interview she did with Roll Call…

Note 11: Between Biden’s efforts and Trump’s corruption, we’re not really that worried about TikTok being banned. More: Axios

Note 12: Sam Alito wants us to know he doesn’t look at PornHub. We’re not surprised. We’ve long assumed he masturbates to pictures of Trump. More: People

Note 13: Trump announced he won’t hire anyone who is recommended by 11 Republicans he doesn’t like, including “birdbrain” Nikki Haley. Congrats again to Nikki on her endorsement and complete lack of self-respect. More: Independent

Note 14: Goddamnit. Just goddamnit. Fetterman is going along with Trump’s Greenland bullshit? Aren’t y’all glad we spent years defending this asshole? More: ABC27

Note 15: Which one of us do y’all think should get this tattoo? Adam, right?

Note 16: Kelly O’Donnell reported yesterday that the Bidens are heading to California when they leave the White House. The First Family is planning to spend some time in Santa Barbara County after they leave D.C. They deserve the rest.

Note 17: Of all Trump’s freaks, fuck-ups and traitors, Russel Vought might scare us the most. More: AP News

Note 18: We’re about to find out just how much we hate Ohio. Because Trump is encouraging Vivek Ramaswamy to go for Jangly Doodienuts (JD) Vance’s Senate seat. More: CNN

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we want to thank Karine Jean-Pierre for her service to this country and for putting up with Doocy’s bullshit. She had a hard, thankless job and she crushed it.

Note 20: And on that emotional note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all are on board with this whole fart noise idea. And if you are, start warming up this weekend. Get that fart noise in top shape before you roll it out. Love y’all!

Um…

Yesterday out of nowhere, Mike Little Johnson fired Republican Rep. Mike Turner as chairman of the House Intel Committee. Turner, who is pro-Ukraine and anti-Putin, was kicked off the committee altogether and told that there were “concerns at Mar-a-Lago.” Reports say that Republicans on the committee are furious, but we know they won’t do shit about it. That said, this move combined with Tulsi as DNI sure suggests that Putin is going to be running out intel community.

More: NBC

Bullshit Bondi

Pam Bondi revealed at round one of her confirmation hearing yesterday that she is a liar and a snake who will turn DOJ into Trump’s personal law firm. Bondi refused to say if Biden won the 2020 election, she refused to rule out prosecuting Republicans like Liz Cheney and offered gibberish when asked about the cop-beaters of Jan. 6. Bondi was picked because she’s a soulless toady who will do what Trump wants. And that’s going to be very, very bad for America.

More: The Guardian

Thanks, Joe

Joe Biden said goodbye to America last night in an address from the Oval Office. Biden touched on a lot of topics and a record of remarkable accomplishments, but we were mostly struck by his warning of the coming oligarchy. He’s right that this is what’s coming and we wish more Americans could or would see it. All in all, we’re grateful to Joe. We think he’s been a damn good president during a fucked up time. Were there things we wish he’d done differently? Of course. But he’s a good and decent man who did a good and decent job, and we are grateful.

More: The Guardian

Today’s clips

Florida Gov. Ron DeSantis appointed state Attorney General Ashley Moody to the U.S. Senate, setting her up to fill the seat of Sen. Marco Rubio, whom President-elect Donald Trump tapped to be secretary of state. More: NBC

Democrats led by Rep. Jamie Raskin (D-Md.) on Thursday demanded U.S. Attorney General Merrick Garland release the Department of Justice report on President-elect Donald Trump’s hoarding of classified documents. More: HuffPost

Some Donald Trump allies have urged that the 2028 Los Angeles Olympics be moved to a conservative city, but the president-elect reportedly pledged to ensure the Games stay right where they are. More: HuffPost