Bye, George

Happy Friday. There are 557 days until the midterm elections. Fathead’s trade fantasies, ActBlue’s dick-tator blues and the gibberish president.

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. Because the word screwed just ain’t getting it done these days.

Note: Sexy Patriots! There’s some serious shit going on today, and that’s why we feel like total clowns for instead spending this space on another total clown. George Santos is getting sentenced to prison today, y’all. Now we know you’re good people and you wouldn’t dream of kicking this deranged con-artist while he’s down. So please let us…

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Oh Georgie, you poor dumb sonofabitch, you are gonna HATE prison. And honestly, we’re kinda worried for you. But it is imperative for the self-respect of this reeling nation that your broken ass goes to the clink for a long damn time. And frankly we’re shocked justice caught up with you despite your obvious and obnoxious guilt. Just when you think this country has no fucking standards at all, we somehow managed to avoid this particular incarnation of rock bottom. Imagine being too ridiculous, too corrupt and too toxic for Trump to pardon. That’s the unique and uniquely embarrassing scuminess of George Santos.

So goodbye, George. We hope to soon forget you exist. Until you’re the Republican presidential nominee in 2032. Y’all have a blessed day. More: ABC News

Note two: WOAH! Trump’s numbers, even on immigration, are dropping like a rock. It’s pretty stunning watching this country remember who this fucker really is.

Note three: You’ll never believe this but Trump’s pick to be Surgeon General lied about her credentials. Ok so you will believe it. More: CBS News

Note four: Passed Out Pete continues to be a disaster. His poop-describing chief of staff is out, he’s apparently only consulting with his wife and brother and he cussed a general. Things are going great! More: Associated Press, Politico

Note five: Some good news for the U.S. as Trump is leaving the country to travel to Italy for the pope’s funeral. Sucks for Italy and the pope’s corpse though. More: Yahoo News

Note six: It is fucking wild watching Trump lie over and over again about talking to China’s president. It’s even wilder to realize that we believe the Chinese over our own president.

Note seven: We’re gonna link to it in the news section, but Trump told Time that when he said he would end the war in Ukraine on Day One it was “an exaggeration” and “in jest.” So yeah, he fucking lied.

Note eight: How scummy is Trump? He pardoned a woman who raised money for a statue for a fallen police officer and then spent it on plastic surgery and her daughter’s wedding. We’re starting to think the Jan. 6 asshole doesn’t actually back the blue at all. More: HuffPost

Note nine: It needs to be a massive story that Elon Leon Melvin’s DOGE bullshit is a massive failure. The New York Times is reporting that DOGE is only gonna save about 15 percent of what Elon Leon and Trump promised and will actually cost taxpayers about $135 billion this year. What a fucking genius. More: New York Times

Note 10: Even Fox can see Trump taking a wedgie from Putin…

Note 11: We have failed to adequately mock the MyPillow guy lately. We regret the error. Please enjoy this Big Gulp full of ex-crackhead tears. More: ABC News

Note 12: It’s becoming obvious that even Trump knows he’s sucking wind. That’s why he’s doing interviews with places like Time and the Atlantic. It’s also why his administration is restoring funding to things like the Women’s Health Initiative. Keep up the pressure. American ain’t dead yet. More: NPR

Note 13: Measles is having a moment. Do not congratulate. More: WIRED

Note 14: Congratulations to California on passing Japan to become the world’s fourth largest economy. We’re like a week away from joining a secessionist movement. More: The Guardian

Note 15: We generally prefer to cuss Trump voters who see the light, but this from Maxwell Frost is probably the more productive route…

Note 16: Marjorie Taylor Greene is giving serious thought to a U.S. Senate run next year against Sen. Jon Ossoff. Are we really that lucky? More: Mediaite

Note 17: Tommy Tuberville is looking at running for governor of Alabama. While we hate that for Alabama, it would definitely make the Senate smarter. More: WBRC

Note 18: Adam wrote a piece on MeidasTouch that is worth a read and share

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we take you to Fox News. No, seriously. We think you’ll enjoy this clip of Jessica celebrating Trump’s cratering poll numbers.

Note 20: And on that heartwarming note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope you Sexy Patriots have had a great week here in dumbfuckland. And if not, just be glad you don’t have to share a cell with George Santos. Love y’all!

We can all relax now
So you know how our idiot president claimed that he put a pause on his idiot tariffs for 90 days so he could do 90 deals? Well now it’s even better because he told Time he got 200 deals! The only problem with that is there are only 193 recognized countries in the world (we don’t actually know the number, but we saw 193 somewhere so we’re going with it). So yeah, we think he might be lying. It is just insane watching this doofus fuck up the economy, double down and then try and lie his way through it. If you need to make any purchases, you should probably do it now. More: Politico

FascBlue
One thing Trump didn’t lie about was becoming a dictator on Day One. Yesterday, fuckhead announced that he is directing the DOJ to go after ActBlue, the Democratic fundraising firm that helps us raise so much money from small donors. This is straight up fascist shit as Trump uses the powers of the presidency to go after his political opponents. We’re damn hopeful ActBlue will fight and win out over this bullshit, but this is pretty goddamn chilling. It sure would be great if the press would take this more seriously. More: NBC News

President Gibberish
So we tried to read Trump’s interview with Time and, man, that guy’s brain is fucking soup. Even if you take away the bullshit about trade deals or the lies about Crimea, it’s just straight up gibberish. So our question is when does he start getting covered the way Biden was? Because this dude is not well, and he is breaking lots of important shit. Biden gave us four straight years of job growth and respect around the world, and the press wrote about his age and mental acuity daily. So maybe they should do the same for the dumb motherfucker who says he’s made secret trade deals with eleventy billion countries. More: Time Magazine

Today’s clips
President Donald Trump’s administration asked the U.S. Supreme Court on Thursday to reinstate his sweeping ban on transgender military service—just two days after Justice Department attorneys faced sharp skepticism from a federal appeals court panel in Washington, D.C. More: Advocate

On Saturday, HuffPost will attend the White House Correspondents’ Association’s annual dinner in Washington, D.C. This year’s event comes amid a sustained government assault on the federal workforce and the press, both without precedent in the United States. More: HuffPost

President Donald Trump has a new nickname in China: “The Lord of Eternal Tariffs.” More: NBC News

The impact from tariffs has so far been most immediately felt in financial markets, with stocks erasing nearly a year’s worth of gains amid fears of an economic growth slowdown or outright recession.

Now, companies are starting to issue more concrete warnings about the impact that tariffs could have on their bottom lines — and on consumers. More: NBC News