Cory Cooks

It’s Tuesday. There are 581 days until the midterm elections. Elon’s a-holes steal a building, Cory Booker comes alive and a crucial election day.

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. Partly because that dumb sonofabitch can’t put tariffs on cussing.

ELECTION DAY PRE-NOTE: HEY ARE PEOPLE VOTING WHERE YOU LIVE? IF THEY ARE, THEN JOIN THEM AND VOTE FOR GOOD PEOPLE INSTEAD OF SCUMBAGS!

Note: Howdy, Sexy Patriots! It’s so great to see you today. We love you very much, and we are damn grateful to you for joining us. That said, you are not the main audience for today’s opening note. Today is for Canada and Greenland and Panama and really anywhere else Trump might end up trying to attack. This excludes countries that harbor actual terrorists and does not exclude made-up countries that Trump saw in a movie once. So please bear with us, while we get this off our chests…

Hey. We’re so fucking sorry. Like… sheesh. Ugh. Y’all, we could not be more embarrassed. We’ve never had any beef with any of you, and we know a lot of you even fought in wars beside us. This sucks. We have no excuse for the orange dumbfuck who is now threatening you. Imagine if you were in an accident and you woke up sewn to another person. And imagine this person had an ass where its brain should be. Now imagine that person is able to control the body. Well, that’s pretty much us these days. We’re sewn to a brainless bumbling asshead who is somehow running the goddamn show. We really want to stop acting like stupid fucking assheaded idiots but we’re not in control. If it helps, those of us who live here are already having to live with unimaginably idiotic shit like this…

Sigh. See?! We’re all fucked up and stupid right now! We’ve got a butt for a brain! Why would we do this to the world?! Why would we do it to ourselves?! It makes no goddamn sense! Anyway, we are genuinely sorry.

Sincerely, Some Not Stupid Americans

P.S. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: We’re not doing any April Fool’s pranks today. Y’all are dealing with enough. Hang in there.

Note three: A truly horrifying story as the Trump administration admitting in court that it had deported one man, a father of three, who was legally in the U.S. Yeah, they said it was an “administrative error” that he was shipped to a gulag in El Salvador. Even worse, they said they can’t get him back. And even worse than that Jigglymoobs Devilmouth (JD) Vance went on twitter and kept lying about the guy. This is some really, really sick shit. More: CNN

Note four: Don’t look now, but the DNC is getting in the game. Yesterday, the committee and other Democrats sued Trump over his bullshit executive order over elections. Git his ass. More: Democracy Docket

Note five: We fucked up yesterday and forgot to celebrate Trans Day of Visibilty. Sorry about that. Was cool to see people like JB Pritzker get in on the celebration though…

Note six: Tim Kaine is offering Senate Republicans a chance to actually stand up to Trump on the Canadian tariffs. We doubt they’ll take him up on it. More: AP News

Note seven: The EU has announced it has a retaliation plan to return fire over Trump’s stupid tariffs. Thank goodness Americans voted for the good-on-the-economy idiot. More: CNN

Note eight: Speaking of tariffs, are we the only ones wondering if this dumbshit’s Liberation Day is gonna tank the markets? More: CNN

Note nine: Harvard really tried to make Trump happy. He’s still going to destroy them. You can’t appease bullies. You can only fight them. More: AP News

Note 10: Hillary joined Bluesky. We’re mostly telling you this because there’s one dude we sometimes see in the comments who is like hey fuck you I’ll never join Bluesky and we just want that dude to know he’s missing a party. Or he’s busy enjoying real life instead of social media. Either is possible.

Note 11: The brain worm asshole’s layoffs are starting today. So please don’t get sick. More: AP News

Note 12: Wanna see some really fucked up racist shit? Then look no further than what Missouri Republicans are doing to St. Louis. More: Bolts

Note 13: Remember that Republican representative who had an affair and then hired his mistress? Well Trump is making him Inspector General at the Labor Department. We’re sure he’ll be on the lookout for corruption and wrong-doing. And new mistresses. More: MSNBC

Note 14: We all know now that John Fetterman sucks hog taint and that we fucked up when we nominated him over Conor Lamb. Is it possible we might get a do-over? More: The Independent

Note 15: Oh look, just more normal fucked up shit from America’s ketamine-addled nazi overlord. We’re sure the press would’ve been cool with an Obama or Biden aide doing this kinda crap…

Note 16: Pam BS Bondi wants to put a 24-year-old in prison for 20 years for vandalizing a Tesla. If he’s just beat a cop with the American flag, the president would be kissing his ass instead. More: The Independent

Note 17: The White House Correspondents Association might be too chickenshit to hear from Amber Ruffin, but that doesn’t mean she’s going to shut up. Give ‘em hell, Amber! More: Vulture

Note 18: If you ever get really rich and need a big time law firm, don’t hire Hogan Lovells. Because they just hired human garbage Kirsten Sinema and nobody should give that trash a fucking dime. More: The Hill

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we have to tell y’all that you are the freaking best! Substack just put out its top 100 newsletters and thanks to your hot asses, this crazy cussing newsletter made the list. They can take a lot, but they can’t take our cussing. Thank you!!!

Note 20: And on that braggy note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all are doing ok this week. We know things are pretty effing fucked up. Hell, we’ve never had to apologize to Canada before. But here we are. Love y’all!

Ocean’s 11 Assholes

Remember when Elon’s goons barged into the Institute of Peace and took it over through some really thuggish shit? And remember how the Institute of Peace isn’t actually an executive agency? And remember how a judge wanted to stop them but was afraid they’d shoot someone? Well it turns out this was all so Elon Leon’s little nerd nazis could steal the institute's beautiful $500 million building in D.C. We wish we were kidding. A judge is hearing this case this morning, but man, even for these scumbags, this is pretty insane.

More: WIRED

Cory cooks

Don’t look now, but some Senate Democrats are waking up. As we speak, Sen. Cory Booker has been delivering a filibuster from the Senate floor for about 16 hours. We’re seeing more and more Senate Democrats join him to keep it going. We’re seeing them call out the horrible and horribly illegal shit Trump and Elon Leon have been doing. This. This is what we fucking need and this is what we’re demanding from our party. Be an opposition party. Fight even when there’s no battle to win. Show us all that you get it. Thank you, Sen. Booker.

More: AP News

Go time!

Ok, Sexy Patriots, this is it. It’s Election Day. It’s time to send a big goddamn message to the scary people. Wisconsin and Florida, we need y’all. In Wisconsin, the early vote looks good but it’s still gonna be close. If you live there and haven’t already voted for Judge Susan Crawford then what the hell are you waiting for? In Florida, we have two special elections for Congress. Even if we lose, it says a lot that Republicans were sweating two districts that Trump just won by double digits. Imagine what they’ll say if we win. We have one chance right now to stop Elon Leon and scare the fuck out of the Republican Party and we need the people of Wisconsin and Florida to seize that chance. Let’s fucking go!

More: NBC

Today’s clips

Widespread anger over the Trump administration’s push for U.S. ownership of Greenland is prompting shoppers in Denmark to boycott American products and services such as Tesla, Netflix and Coca-Cola. More: NBC

The Food and Drug Administration’s chief tobacco regulator has been removed from his post amid sweeping cuts at the agency and across the federal health workforce handed down Tuesday, according to people familiar with the matter. More: HuffPost

House Republicans are pointing the finger at Elon Musk for their struggles in special elections ahead of voters’ trip to the ballot box on Tuesday. More: Mediaite

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