Cowardly News Ninnies (CNN)

Today’s Big Stuff. January 17, 2025.

Happy Friday. There are 655 days until the midterm elections. Team Trump says screw the poor, more mercy from Dark Brandon and CNN grovels like cowardly scum.

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. After Monday it might stop using non-cuss words altogether.

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Note: Howdy, Sexy Patriots! How the eff are you today? Effing freaked out about this being the last weekend of American democracy? Yeah, us too. There’s no dressing this up. It’s horrible and stupid and really scary. And you don’t have to watch any of it because fuck those dirtbags.

But TBS, you’re so good looking and isn’t it our duty as Americans to stay informed? Well thank you. And yeah, kinda. It is our intent to watch everything these twisted motherfuckers do and call them out, mock them, laugh at them and point at their leprechaun peens. If they want to act like human garbage, then we will remind them they are acting like human garbage. But we’ll be goddamned if we’ll let them steal our joy or what’s left of our sanity.

So today’s message is protect yourselves, SPs. You don’t owe those creeps a fucking thing, and you certainly don’t owe them your attention. If you want to spend Monday doing service projects and then watch sitcoms while sitting in a bathtub of mashed potatoes, then do your thing and fuck them. They want us to lose our shit. They want us miserable. They want to own us libs. They want a date who doesn’t have to be plugged in. And we don’t give a hairy rat’s ass what they want.

This gross orange cloud over America is gonna settle in for a while. We’re gonna fight it with everything we’ve got. But we’re also going to live and laugh and love and that pisses off the freaks more than anything. So try to enjoy your weekend. This isn’t the end. It’s the beginning of a new chapter of fucking with assholes who need to be fucked with. And that can be pretty fun too. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: Just when you think shit can’t get worse for Los Angeles…

Note three: If you live in D.C. and have dogs, take them for a long walk somewhere else. Kristi Noem has her confirmation hearing today. More: NBC News

Note four: The Supreme Court said this morning that the TikTok ban is on, but Biden and Democrats aren’t going to enforce it and Trump is going to help them get out of it. So can someone tell us why the fuck we took the political hit to ban this thing in the first place? More: CNN

Note five: We don’t put all the blame on Merrick Garland for Trump’s escape, but hearing him talking about upholding norms makes us want to shit fire. Dude let a major criminal get away with major crimes against the United States and he’s talking about fucking norms?! More: Reuters

Note six: Oh look it’s what Elon Leon plans to do to the Constitution and American democracy…

Note seven: The Jan. 6 domestic terrorists are going back to the Capitol for Trump’s Shittening. Our country doesn’t seem that bright right now, does it? More: CNN

Note eight: Medicare announced the next 15 drugs they are going to negotiate the prices of. This will make a huge difference in the lives of people who didn’t give a shit, and it’s only a matter of time until RFK Jr. says the only medicine we’re allowed to have is a gallon of hot horse piss. More: NPR

Note nine: It seems like it should be pretty huge news that Trump invited a German neo-nazi to his inauguration. But we get that it’s not someone’s age or email habits. More: Reuters

Note 10: Thank you to Sen. Tammy Duckworth for announcing she will be voting against Pete Hegseth. Maybe she can teach John Fetterman how not to suck. More: Fox32Chicago

Note 11: This guy claims to be a Democrat, but he really wants to be Susan Collins. If you live in Maine, please call him and tell him to stop saying stupid shit like this.

Note 12: Yesterday we lost David Lynch and Bob Uecker. We freaking love Blue Velvet, Mulholland Drive, Major League and Mr. Belvedere. Hmmm. Maybe we should have made this two separate posts. RIP. More: AVClub, NPR

Note 13: While we’re talking Hollywood, check out the lineup for FireAid, a concert later this month to benefit victims of the Los Angeles fires. And thanks to these superstars for helping out while the world’s richest man spent his time being a dickhead loser. More: KTLA

Note 14: You want to know how truly fucked up things are about to be? We’re gonna be hoping that Mitch fucking McConnell does the right thing. So yeah, we’re screwed. More: Axios

Note 15: Tom Goldstein was indicted yesterday for cheating on his taxes and ripping off his business to pay his gambling debts. If you’re wondering who the hell Tom Goldstein is, well he’s a SCOTUS reporter who also wrote this…

Note 16: New York City Mayor Eric Adams is heading to Mar-a-Lago. Adams desperately needs a pardon, so expect him to turn over Gotham to the Joke to do whatever he wants with. What an asshole. More: NBC News

Note 17: Don’t worry, everybody! The Washington Post might have lost its reporters and its soul, but they have a new slogan!

Note 18: Lunatic shithead Republican judges are still coming after the abortion pill. Just like we all warned they would. More: The Guardian

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we want to take a second to thank Vice President Harris for her historical service these last four years. We were proud to stand with her and Doug, and that is still the case.

Note 20: And on that note that definitely didn’t make us cry, let’s go do some news! Be good to yourselves, SPs. Take some time away from the news and the bullshit this weekend. And never forget that you aren’t alone. Love y’all!

P.S. Some breaking news: Snowflakes worried about small crowds and cold weather!

Fuck them poors
One of the things that makes us so mad about this last few years is that Joe Biden is the first president we can remember who actually rebuilt the economy from the middle out and said fuck trickle-down economics because it doesn’t work. And he was right. And America didn’t give a shit. So now we’re going back to protecting the rich above all else. At his confirmation hearing yesterday, Trump Treasury Secretary nominee Scott Bessent made clear that he thinks billionaires like him are awesome, that tax cuts for the rich are the administration’s top priority and the federal minimum wage is staying where it is. Congrats, America. You played yourself. More: Rolling Stone

Thank you, Mr. President
Joe Biden announced this morning that he has commuted the sentences of another 2,500 drug offenders. This means Biden has now pardoned or commuted the sentences of more people than any other president, according to Kyle Griffin. This is wonderful. Now let’s hope he keeps going. We’ve still got the weekend for Biden to pardon people like Reality Winner and Leonard Peltier. Do it, Joe! The Guardian

Chickenshit Ninnie Network
You can probably see the steam coming out of our ears on this one. Media reporter Oliver Darcy is reporting that CNN anchor and actual journalist Jim Acosta is being booted from his morning slot and moved to the midnight to 2 a.m. slot. The head of CNN, Mark Thompson, is doing this to win favor with Trump who hates Acosta because he tells the truth. Acosta’s show is one of the better rated programs on CNN, even out-performing the crap they put in primetime. It’s hard to describe how gutless and infuriating this is. If we weren’t already done with CNN — and we were — we wouldn’t piss on them if they were on fire now. Let’s hope Jim finds a place where he is appreciated and CNN finds its fucking dignity. More: Huff Post

Today’s clips
President Joe Biden announced Friday that the Equal Rights Amendment should be considered a ratified addition to the U.S. Constitution, making a symbolic statement that’s unlikely to alter a decades-long push for gender equality. More: Associated Press

Ohio Gov. Mike DeWine is expected to appoint his lieutenant governor, Jon Husted, to the Senate seat recently vacated by Vice President-elect JD Vance, two sources with knowledge of the decision told NBC News. More: NBC News

Greenland Prime Minister Múte Egede on Thursday countered Donald Trump’s talk of buying the Danish territory with a “clear” message from the Greenlandic people, who aren’t so warm to the U.S. president-elect’s proposal. More: Huff Post