Don't Drink the Donkey Milk

It’s Tuesday. There are 644 days until the midterm elections. DOJ tries to rewrite Jan. 6, the military did not enter California and Trump goes full dicktator.

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. It’s helpful when you have a fucking asshole for a president.

Note: Greetings, Sexy Patriots! How the heck are you gorgeous freedom fighters today? Yeah, us too. It’s why we started huffing paint thinner. It helps a little. And we’re all about being helpful right now. That’s why today we’re going to do something different. Instead of smacking the living shit out of our own party for being so slow and weak to fight back against real fucking fascism, we’re going to do a little demo today and show them how to play politics in the year 2025. You start with a story like this…

Well we’ll be goddamned. Did you see that? Republicans have gone so crazy they want children to drink donkey milk. In fact, they want your children to drink donkey milk. And you know what another word for donkey is? That’s right. An ass. So the Republican Party wants your adorable children to have moustaches made out of ass milk. Can you imagine what it would do to their poor little bones and our ability to keep down food?! Ass milk! The sick sonsofbitches! Don’t make our kids drink ass milk, Trump!

Now is that dumb and hysterical and too idiotic to be believable? Of course! But that’s how the world works right now! So can someone please pull our leaders’ heads out of their asses, force them to watch some WWE and then welcome them to the new arena? This shit is getting embarrassing. We’re losing to people who drink fucking donkey milk! Y’all have a blessed day. More: NBC

Note two: We’re not actually huffing paint thinner, and we don’t want you to either. Please take care of yourselves these days, SPs. If you need to unplug, unplug. We’ll be here when you get back. Don’t lose your mind for these assholes.

Note three: Sen. Sheldon Whitehouse thinks we need to “chill” about reports he might vote for his buddy brainworm fuckhead. Does Whitehouse think this is a game? Someone please tell him that people are scared shitless about what RFK Jr. might do and the last thing we need is a leader in our own party trying to be cute and selling us out. More: WPRI

Note four: Thom Tillis wants the world to think he’s a moderate who’s better than Trump. Now we all know differently. Tillis promised Pete Hegseth’s sister-in-law her letter would matter, and then he stuck a knife in her back and voted for Hegseth, securing his nomination. Even for a Republican, this is some sick shit. More: WSJ [Paywall]

Note five: Let’s check in and see how things are going over at twitter and oh dear…

Note six: Trump is trying to make the global AIDS pandemic great again. More: NPR

Note seven: Republicans are extorting hurting Americans in California. That’s what’s happening, and it’s hard to describe how fucked up it is watching the press treat that like the most normal shit in the world. More: The Hill

Note eight: Trump spent part of the day yesterday playing golf and looks like he’s heading out again today. That makes 8 days on the job and 3 rounds of golf. A real energizer bunny, ain’t he? Don’t forget to see how much he’s not working for you at TrumpGolfTrack.com

Note nine: Please don’t forget we have a super duper important election coming up for the Wisconsin state Supreme Court. Oh and the Republican running thinks Trump’s Jan. 6 pardons were no biggie. More: AP News

Note 10: We’ll just warn you that this next post might make you hurl. And who the fuck names their shithead kid Buckley?

Note 11: Hey just to follow up on the opening note, you probably don’t need to run screaming through the streets warning about ass milk if your opponent is putting dangerous criminals and pedophiles back on the streets like Trump did. More: The Guardian, Daily Beast

Note 12: Lisa Murkowski is fighting for Greenland. And that’s not even the weirdest sentence we’ve written today. More: The Hill

Note 13: Even Rupert Murdoch’s papers think RFK Jr. is nucking futs. More: NY Post

Note 14: The lunatic right is attacking poor Selena Gomez for having the nerve to have a heart. Selena, we love you and we’re sorry the world can be so dickish. Keep doing you! More: The Hill

Note 15: Get. His. Ass.

Note 16: Trump illegally fired the Democratic members of the National Labor Relations Board this morning. We are in the middle of a full-on constitutional crisis, and there’s no media or opposition party to call it out. Kinda sucks, tbh. More: Bloomberg

Note 17: Right now Trump is fucking over every poor and middle-class person in the country. But you can bet your hot ass the rich assholes who are taking a bath on AI are planning on a federal bailout from their orange buddy. More: NBC

Note 18: This is one of our favorite kinds of stories from Trumpland. A nobody politician sees here nazi heroes doing evil and stupid shit and tries to play along. But then the nobody politician learns they are a nobody and don’t have billions of dollars to alter reality and so they have to resign in shame. We hope she spends this new free time eating shit. More: NBC Philadelphia

Note 19: Today’s Happy Ending ain’t happy at all. But it looks like Jim Acosta is out at CNN, and we just wanted to say how much that blows and how much we admire Jim for speaking truth all these years while his colleagues were kissing butt and keeping their jobs. We know Jim will land somewhere great, just as we know CNN will continue to suck mangy goat balls. More: Variety

Note 20: And on that infuriating note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all are holding up ok. We know everything is chaotic and stupid right now. But at least we have each other. And ass milk. Sweet, sweet ass milk. Love y’all!

New history!

Just days after freeing hundreds of violent criminals, Trump is now going after the people who locked them up. Yesterday DOJ fired all the career prosecutors who went after Trump for being a piece of shit prosecutor and one of Trump’s flunkies announced plans to investigate the people who investigated and prosecuted the attack. It seems to us that it’s really fucking stupid for Trump to keep this issue alive because some opposition party might keep reminding the American people that his dumb ass got 140 cops assaulted, but what the hell do we know. More: NBC News

Don’t believe the stupid

It seemed like huge news. Last night on social media, Trump announced that “the military” had entered California and “TURNED ON THE WATER.” It’s hard to believe we have to talk about how stupid this shit is. First, the military didn’t enter California. They’re already there because there are several military bases and hundreds of thousands of troops there, including the Navy SEALs. Second, they didn’t turn anything on. The federal government merely restarted some federal water pumps. And third, goddamnit this is so dumb.

More: HuffPost

This is so bad

The chaos is here, and it is evil. Last night Trump kicked off a full-fledged constitutional crisis and possibly an economic one too by placing an illegal hold on billions of dollars in federal grants and loans. Everything from higher ed grants to WIC funding for poor mothers appears to be fucked. The idea is that Trump gets to treat our tax dollars like they’re his own and he gets to dole out only what he likes and tell everyone else to fuck off. If that seems like a crazy idiotic way to run the United States of America, that’s because it is. The nation is hoping for more clarity today, but this is really bad and Democrats need to go to war.

More: AP News

Trump Golf Track

Today’s clips

Democratic Sen. Gary Peters won’t seek reelection in 2026, kicking off what could be a crowded primary to replace him in the battleground state of Michigan. More: HuffPost

Former Transportation Secretary Pete Buttigieg is "taking a serious look" at running for the Michigan senate seat left open by the surprise retirement of Sen. Gary Peters, Axios has learned. More: Axios

At least eight large public school districts across the United States have vowed in recent days to try to protect undocumented immigrant students and their families from President Donald Trump's mass deportation push. More: NBC

Vivek Ramaswamy says he wasn’t fired from the Department of Government Efficiency (or DOGE), a new federal advisory group he was tapped to co-lead with Elon Musk and that he left on his own volition after “a mutual discussion” with the controversial billionaire. More: HuffPost