Easter a-hole

It’s Monday. There are 561 days until the midterm elections. The SCOTUS fight gets real, Drunk Pete is a disaster and more Democrats get in the fight.

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. But at least it didn’t kill the pope.

Note: Sexy Patriots! We missed the hell out of you this weekend. Did you have a good one? Well it had to be better than the pope’s…

And that wasn’t even the worst part. He was so grossed out by Vance that he died! Yeah, the pope is dead and we think it was Vance’s fault. We actually were able to speak to His Holiness before he passed…

Us: Hey man!

The Pope: Hey boys! Love the newsletter!

Us: Thank you. So how was meeting JD?

Pope: So fucking weird!!! Like I know you knew I was totally gonna say that but he is seriously so fucking weird! I think that couch thing might be true!

Us: Yeah, us too. Is the Vatican furniture ok?

Pope: We went ahead and did exorcisms and deep stain removers just to be on the safe side. What a freak!

Us: Yeah, totally. So did you pray for him?

Pope: I did. I prayed he’d stop being so fucking weird!

Us: Nice. So are you feeling ok?

Pope: I was. Now I’m so weirded out I could die!

Wow! Those might have been his last words. What a shame he had to spend his last hours on Earth wondering if JD Vance fucks couches. Sorry to all the Catholic Sexy Patriots out there. Not sorry to our weirdo shithead asshole vice president. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: If we can be serious for a minute, this pope always seemed like a fairly cool dude to us and we’re sorry he’s dead. RIP. More: Associated Press

Note three: It was so great to see people in the streets again this weekend! America isn’t taking Trump’s dumb crazy shit lying down, and it warms our sexy hearts to see it! More: ABC News

Note four: In case you missed it, our totally Christian president who isn’t at all the anti-christ put out a Easter message telling us all to go fuck ourselves. We hope the Easter Bunny shat in his shoes. More: Yahoo

Note five: Sigh. We could have had this instead…

Note six: Remember how Trump was going to do 90 trade deals in 90 days? Well so far he has zero, and even Japan is playing hardball. We’re starting to think that Art of the Deal thing was total bullshit. More: Reuters

Note seven: Trump was again this morning demanding that Jerome Powell cut interest rates to bail his dumb ass out. Doesn’t work that way, orangey. (Social media)

Note eight: Olivia Nuzzi’s cuck is starting a newsletter after leaving Politico. We haven’t read it, but we don’t recommend it.

Note nine: Pete Hegseth is hogging all the attention, but it’s fucking crazy just how fucking crazy RFK Jr. is. He’s now saying autism is worse than covid because covid “killed old people.” WTF?! More: People

Note 10: Wanna see Chris Van Hollen end Gavin Newsom’s political career?

Note 11: Van Hollen was on every single Sunday news show yesterday defending the Constitution. This is the kind of fight we’ve been begging to see. Give ‘em hell, CVH! More: ABC News

Note 12: How drunk do you think the Secretary of Defense is right this minute?

Note 13: Elon Leon Melvin Musk is trying to buy Republican members of Congress so they’ll impeach judges. Either that or he got them pregnant. More: The New Republic

Note 14: Last week, we found out that some of Trump’s demands of Harvard were sent by mistake. So of course Trump apologized and backed off, right? Nope. He’s taking another billion bucks in federal funds. More: CNN

Note 15: We should probably investigate if JD killed this beautiful soul too…

Note 16: What the fuck is wrong with Nancy Mace? Seriously. How can one person be this broken? More: The Independent

Note 17: The New York Times reported this weekend that FBI director Kash Patel has been enjoying the jet-setting lifestyle on our dime. Oh and Dan Bongino got his bongin-ass kicked. LOL. More: Raw Story, New York Times

Note 18: This is an old story with a new and positive turn. Do you remember the woman who was forcibly removed from an Idaho town hall by people who weren’t law enforcement? Well those thugs have been arrested. We’re kinda shocked but really pleased to see this. More: Coeur d'Alene Press

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we are sending big congrats to Kristen Stewart. Don’t look at us like that. So what if we were huge Twilight fans.

Note 20: And on that joyous note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all are ready for a great week. But more than that, we really hope you don’t come into contact with our killer vice president. Be safe out there. Love y’all!

Whoa
So while we were enjoying our weekend, shit got real at the Supreme Court. In a post-midnight ruling, the court said 7-2 that Trump has to stop kidnapping Venezuelans under the Alien Enemies Act. It was a stunning move, and the Trump people reacted by calling for Trump to either ignore or disband the Supreme Court. Is it possible a corrupt and broken court has some lines it won’t let Trump cross? Well not Alito. He was big mad about the whole thing. John Roberts has already pissed away his legacy, but maybe he can still save his soul. More: Politico, CNN

Pass-out Pete strikes again
So when the Trump administration isn’t killing popes or kidnapping people, it’s very busy broadcasting its attack plans to the world. The New York Times reported last night that Pete Hegseth had a Signal chat about attack plans that included his wife, his brother and his personal lawyer. We’re starting to get pretty pissed off to be left out. Yeah, all told there were 13 people on the chat. The White House is already defending Hegseth, and he’s blaming it on a “disgruntled employee.” And he’s right that dude is disgruntled. The asshole who took down Jackie Robinson’s page wrote a piece in Politico that says the Pentagon is a disaster under Hegseth. What a mess. More: The Guardian, Politico

Yay!
Chris Van Hollen’s courage is contagious. This morning, a House delegation, that included Rep. Maxwell Frost, touched down in El Salvador. The members made the trip after Republican House Oversight Chairman James Comer denied their request to do so. We want to wish them safe travels and say thank you for continuing to shine a light on these abuses. Godspeed. More: Politico

Today’s clips
Pope Francis shared his thoughts on the meaning of life in the final post on his social media account before his death. More: HuffPost

Podcast host Joe Rogan warned against becoming “monsters” while “fighting monsters” as he discussed “over-correction” on illegal immigration and crime, such as abandoning due process in deportations of suspected gang members. More: Mediaite

A New Mexico teenager was detained by immigration agents while reportedly visiting Arizona this month after being accused of illegally entering the United States, his family said. More: NBC News

Two service members killed during a border security mission in New Mexico last week were identified as U.S. Marines based at Camp Pendleton in San Diego County. More: NBC News