Elon’s New Nickname

It’s Tuesday. There are 595 days until the midterm elections. Trump attacks Biden’s kids, Texas goes after women (some more) and a big day for selling out Ukraine.

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. It makes sense when everything is total shit.

Note: Well hey there, Sexy Patriots! It’s so great to be with you today. One of our favorite things about this newsletter is the sense of community it provides for those of us who are freaked out, pissed off and just about to lose our fucking minds over the destruction of our country by fascist weirdos. In fact, we can’t help but think those fascist weirdos might be a little less Hitler dickish if they had a community of their own that wasn’t filled with racists, nazis and pathetic losers. In fact…

LOLOL! What a fucking loser! Oh this is so good and pathetic. In fact, because we think Elon Leon is the original dorknuts geek, we are dusting off an old insult just for him. Are you ready? Henceforth, Elon Leon will be known as Melvin or Melvin Musk. Because that loser is a total fucking Melvin. Spread it far and wide! Take it to the four corners of the planet! We must make this stick! This is the new Brandon!

If we work hard enough, the pathetic sonofabitch will stuff himself in a locker and we’ll never see his Melvin ass again. And if we get really lucky, he’ll take Mommy Melvin with him. Enjoy your new nickname, Melvin. If you wanted to be liked, you shouldn’t have been a creepy asshole and you shouldn’t have fucked with the United States of America. Y’all have a blessed day. Not you, Melvin.

Note two: We know the planet doesn’t have four corners. We could already feel the emails and the comments lol.

Note three: The NASA astronauts who have been stranded on the moon are heading home. We wish them safe travels and we’re so sorry they’re returning to such a flaming shithole. More: CNBC

Note four: We don’t think Trump is gonna get that Nobel Peace Prize after all. Israel resumed bombing Gaza, and Palestinians are saying more than 400 are dead. Wasn’t Trump going to end this? More: The Guardian

Note five: Just a reminder that we have a huge and important race to win in Wisconsin next month. Want to really hurt Melvin Musk? Win this race.

Note six: We’re not linking to it, but Schumer told CBS this morning that he’s the best leader for Senate Democrats. If it was up to us, we wouldn’t let that soft motherfucker lead a bake sale. NO LINK ON PURPOSE

Note seven: President Dumbshit went to the Kennedy Center yesterday because he’s so focused on doing the actual job he ran for. The best part of this was that he was asked about Jaundiced Dicklips (JD) Vance being booed and pretended he didn’t know anything about it. “He’s the most popular Vice President we’ve had in years,” Trump lied. LOL! More: WUSA9

Note eight: Melvin is installing Starlink at the White House, which is inferior to the tech they have now and a huge goddamn security risk. (More: New York Times | Paywall)

Note nine: Melvin also suspended the Dropkick Murphys on Twitter because they criticized him and Trump at their Boston show. What a fucking Melvin. More: New York Times

Note 10: The White House celebrated St. Paddy’s Day the only way they know how – by hanging out with a goddamn rapist. More: The Independent

Note 11: In this clip, you can see the Constitution going up in blames like a lit bag of dog shit…

Note 12: Trump is refusing to take questions from NBC now, and he went on Truth Social to attack an Atlantic reporter who asked for an interview. Her sin? She refused to say he won three elections. More: Huff Post

Note 13: Thanks to Melvin and his Merry Nerds, seniors will no longer be able to reach anyone by phone at the Social Security offices. Seems like pretty fucking stupid politics to us. More: Axios

Note 14: Because we’re not the mainstream media, we don’t have to pretend like this country is on the verge of a constitutional crisis. We are very much in it and shit is going bad. More: Huff Post

Note 15: Is everyone clear on what these racist fucks mean when they say DEI? Ok good.

Note 16: Trump put QAnon nutjob and martial law enthusiast Mike Flynn on the board of West Point. We assume he’ll be handing it over to Moscow any day now. More: The Hill

Note 17: Our corrupt idiot president says he’s bringing back coal. He really is trying to force us all into the 19th century. We had a good run, lungs. More: Yahoo Finance

Note 18: We’ve said this many times before, but Kim Kardashin can fuck all the way off, eat all the shit and then go straight to hell. As always, thanks for the reminder that money doesn’t buy class. More: Yahoo News

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we take you to Amanda Litman and Run for Something. This organization has done tremendous work identifying and training good candidates. And it seems that there are a lot more of them who want to actually fight instead of being pathetic wimps like Chuck Schumer.

Note 20: And on that encouraging note, let’s go do some news. We sure hope y’all are keeping your heads up this week. We know how fucked up and scary things are. But at least you’re not a Melvin. Love y’all!

Sicko
Because our fuckhead president is enjoying being a king, yesterday he announced that he is cutting off Secret Service protection for Hunter and Ashley Biden. It probably shouldn’t come as a surprise since the Republican Party has been trying to kill Hunter for years now, but it’s still pretty fucking gross. If anything happens to them, it’s on Trump. More: The Guardian

Bigger (fascism) in Texas
It’s happening just like we all said it would. Texas Attorney General and All-Around Piece of Shit Ken Paxton announced the arrest yesterday of a Houston midwife for assisting with abortions. According to reports, this is the first criminal arrest for abortion since the state passed its ban. Of course, we’ve known for a while now that women are basically being treated like second-class citizens in Texas. But this is still pretty fucking horrifying. More: Associated Press

Surrender Day
Trump is scheduled for an official chat with Putin today to discuss Ukraine. We say official because we assume they text all day and night long like lovestruck teenagers. It is quite obvious that Trump will give Putin whatever he wants and then thank him for the privilege. What’s really appalling is seeing mainstream news outlets pretend like this is a real summit focused on peace. The New York Times even compared it to the Yalta Conference. Can we get these nerds some history lessons? Today promises to be a shameful chapter for America so brace yourselves. More: Associated Press

Today’s clips
Democratic Sens. Mark Kelly and Ruben Gallego held a joint town hall in Arizona on Monday focusing on Republican cuts to Medicaid where several constituents demanded they get more aggressive in pushing back against President Donald Trump and billionaire Elon Musk. More: Huff Post

Donald Trump announced on Monday that he would be releasing 80,000 pages of unredacted files related to the 1963 assassination of President John F. Kennedy. More: Huff Post

Comedian Tracy Morgan was wheeled away from his courtside seat at the New York Knicks-Miami Heat NBA matchup in New York City on Monday night, cellphone video taken at the game showed. More: NBC News

The leaders of several US-funded international networks have instructed their organizations to continue broadcasting, ignoring a Trump administration order, because they believe last weekend’s terminations were unlawful, according to a person involved in the matter. More: CNN

Trump Golf Track presented by The Alt Media (Tracker, Bluesky)

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