Getting ready for prison in El Salvador

It’s Tuesday. There are 637 days until the midterm elections. Susan Collins is still a joke, Democrats start to get in the fight and getting ready for prison in El Salvador.

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. It misses the days when Trump was the only asshole who needed cussing.

Note: Well that was fast, Sexy Patriots! The trade war Trump started this weekend is already over after Canada and Mexico agreed to do some shit they had already agreed to in order for President Benjamin Butthead to claim victory or something. Alas, the peace didn’t last long as Trump announced that our next war will be against the moon. Yes, it’s unfolding like this…

First, Trump has informed the American people that the moon has been cheating our country for years and it needs to stop. It certainly doesn’t help matters that Melania has made it very clear that she would rather have sex with the moon than Trump. Using his many propaganda outlets, Trump whips his army of idiots into a frenzy with a stated desire to tariff the moon to hell and back.

Second, Trump has a call with the man in the moon and insists that the moon better come up every single night or he will go ballistic and slap an 80 percent tariff on moon cheese. The man in the moon says ok. The New York Times fails to note that neither the man on the moon nor moon cheese are real things.

Third, the moon rises when it gets dark outside and Trump and the dumbfucks who love him cheer his great victory over darkness. They begin referring to Trump as the Great Moon Master, and they start cutting the seats out of their pants and underwear so that they are always mooning the world in salute of their orange leader. It is somehow the smartest they have ever looked.

Now tell us how this stupid shit we just made up is any different than what just happened with Mexico and Canada. Y’all have a blessed day. More: Associated Press

Note two: Here’s something that would have caused a bloody revolution if it happened when Obama or Biden was president. We used to be a proper country.

Note three: The acting U.S. Attorney for DC is threatening people with arrest if they tell the American people the identities of the children Elon Leon has rooting around in our personal data. So yeah shit got fascisty pretty damn fast. It’s a good reminder to make fun of these fuckers all you want, but make sure you don’t threaten violence. More: The Hill

Note four: It really sucks that millions of lives are depending on Sen. Bill Cassidy not wimping out and actually having some principles when it comes to the brain worm asshole. Do the right thing, Bill! The life you save could be your own. UPDATE: Fuck! Cassidy caved and brain worm is getting confirmed. Goodbye, vaccines and hello, polio. More: CNN

Note five: The FBI is supposed to hand over a list of the names of the agents who helped prosecute Trump. They’re mostly Republicans, and we’re trying not to laugh at that too much. More: NBC News

Note six: Thank you to the Democrats who got in the game yesterday. Better late than never.

Note seven: Bibi is in D.C. with Trump today. It’s possible they will morph into one awful, corrupt person. More: CNN

Note eight: Sheldon Whitehouse came out as a NO on his old buddy RFK Jr. Phew. Thanks for making us sweat, Senator. (social media)

Note nine: Here’s yet another story about one of the delinquents Elon Leon has fucking around with our government. More: Wired

Note 10: Axios is reporting that 20,000 federal employees took Elon Leon up on his buyout offer that seems in no way legal. We sure hope they don’t get screwed over. And we sure assume they will. More: Axios

Note 11: Someday we hope to meet the chickenshit consultant who thought it was a good idea to muzzle this guy…

Note 12: The New York Times did a deep dive on what Elon Leon is doing inside our government. There’s a lot to be alarmed and pissed off about, but the fact that he’s using a private email server really sticks in our craw. More: New Republic

Note 13: Oh and Elon Leon is now openly calling for more white South Africans to be allowed in the U.S. We fucking hate that Lethal Weapon 2 is becoming a documentary. More: The Daily Beast

Note 14: Sen. John Kennedy freaked everyone out last night by talking about sex and omelets and we love you way too much to show that clip.

Note 15: The Pentagon’s new press secretary lost his Senate campaign and his children after it was revealed he choked his wife. Trump certainly has a type, doesn’t he? More: Mediaite

Note 16: Oh and the new head of the Counter Terrorism Center is a Proud Boys fan. So yes, things can get way more fucked up than they are now. More: Associated Press

Note 17: Well if this ain’t America in a nutshell these days…

Note 18: Marco Rubio is filing the State Department with Jan. 6 criminals and other general scumbags. More: NBC News

Note 19: We tried to find a good Happy Ending note for today, but everything is just way too shitty. So here’s Billy Strings doing a cover of Ramblin’ Man.

Note 20: And on that toe-tapping note, let’s go do some news! Today is already off to an especially shitty start, so please be good to yourselves. And get all your shots. Love y’all!

What Senate?
Bill Cassidy isn’t the only gutless wonder to cave and sell us all out. Susan Collins and Todd Young have both decided it’s just fine to put a Russian asset in charge of our national intelligence, and they have both said they will vote to confirm Tulski Gabbard. So between that and RFK Jr., Senate Republicans have completely rolled over and we are all totally fucked. More: The Hill

Thank you!
While Republican senators are hard at work bending over for Trump, Democratic senators are slowly starting to figure out what day it is. THANK YOU to Sen. Brian Schatz, who yesterday announced a hold on all Trump appointments to the State Department until USAID is reinstated. All we can say is it’s about goddamn time. We are running out of patience waiting for our party to see what the fuck is happening and start acting like they hear us. Please call your senators and your members of Congress and let them know you are sick of this shit. More: NBC News

WTF?
Think things can’t get any scarier? Think again. Liddle Marco Rubio is doing a tour of Central America, and he just secured a deal with El Salvador to send undocumented immigrants there. But that’s not all. Rubio also got a deal to get the country to accept U.S. prisoners too. If that sounds illegal, that’s only because it is really fucking illegal. But so is most of what Trump is doing so hello, El Salvador. More: NPR

Today’s clips
China retaliated immediately Tuesday as a 10% U.S. tariff on all Chinese goods went into effect, announcing a series of measures including its own levies of 10% to 15% on some U.S. products. More: NBC News

President Donald Trump’s administration is ending protections that shielded roughly 350,000 Venezuelans from deportation, leaving them with two months before they lose their right to work in the U.S. More: Huff Post

President Donald Trump says he wants access to Ukraine’s bonanza of rare earth and critical minerals in exchange for the billions of dollars in military aid Washington has been supplying to Kyiv. More: NBC News