Go Chris!

Happy Friday. There are 564 days until the midterm elections. Another broken campaign promise, a conservative judge says HELL NO and CVH shows the way.

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. And it’s still cussing out David Brooks.

Note: Phew. Well, Sexy Patriots, we made it through another week, which is something worth celebrating. It’s amazing how quickly shit got totally fucked up. The last time we saw evil move this fast, OJ won the Heisman. It seems like every damn minute of every damn day, that assheaded cretin is making our blood boil. This was the latest example…

KEEP PRESIDENT CARTER’S NAME OUT OF YOUR GROSS FUCKING MOUTH, ORANGEY! Yeah, of all the horrible shit that made us mad and sad yesterday, this one really stuck with us. We were so mad, we went to a medium and asked her to put us in touch with the late president. Here’s what we found…

Us: Um, Mr. President?

Jimmy Carter’s spirit: Hey boys! Great to hear from you. Loving the newsletter.

Us: Wow. Thank you, sir. We were so sad when you passed. We listened to the Allman Brothers nonstop.

Spirit: Aww thanks, fellas. I’ve actually been jamming with Duane and Gregg up here.

Us: That’s so cool. So did you see what Trump said about you dying a happy man?

Spirit: I did. And you won’t believe it, but he’s right. I died happy knowing I lived a good life and was about to be reunited with the love of my life who I didn’t bury on a golf course.

Us: Damn that’s beautiful. Do you think Trump will go the same way?

Spirit: No way. He’s going to scream-shit himself for days, get more orange, croak and then go straight to hell. It will be gross, ugly and smelly and followed by millions of good people pissing on his grave.

Us: Sounds about right. Any words of advice for us still here in the mortal realm?

Spirit: Yes. Resist, fight, persevere and, most importantly, love each other. Oh and don’t take any shit from that rotten motherfucker.

Us: Thank you, Mr. President. Have a lovely day.

We really hope that wasn’t too soon. We just got angry hearing Trump talk about such a good man. And we always loved the idea of President Carter cussing like a drunken sailor. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: We’ve got some bad news. We’re all gonna have to stop eating soon. You know how hotdogs are made of lips and assholes? Well everything else is about to be too. More: CBS

Note three: We keep seeing stories about how Democrats are worried about standing up for people like Kilmar Garcia. Want to know how to win elections? Stand for something and don’t be a freaking wuss about it. More: NBC

Note four: Our hearts go out to the families and victims of the shooting at Florida State yesterday. Our middle fingers go out to the heartless scumbag politicians who don’t do shit about it. More: People

Note five: We were never big Lil’ Wayne fans, but now we really hope he eats shit. Thank goodness Kendrick got the Super Bowl and not this kiss-ass.

Note six: We really need to make it illegal for Republicans to go anywhere near kids. This freak in Pennsylvania asked a 12-year-old about porn after she said she didn’t want books banned. What the hell is wrong with these people? More: pennlive.com

Note seven: Bill Maher wants us to think of him as a hero for having dinner with Trump. What if we just think of him as a soulless piece of shit instead? More: HuffPost

Note eight: Remember how a man broke into the Pennsylvania governor’s house and firebombed the place while the guv and his family were sleeping? Well Trump hasn’t bothered to call him to check in or anything. What an asshole. More: NBC

Note nine: When Trump kills LIHEAP, he will be condemning some Americans to freeze to death. That is not an exaggeration. Seems like a scandal to us. More: CNN

Note 10: Matter of fact, Trump seems to want to kill A LOT of people. Maybe that should be a bigger story…

Note 11: That Be Advised is about New York Times columnist and terminal centrist wuss David Brooks having a change of heart and going full resistance warrior. We just don’t trust him or really care what he thinks about anything. More: Mediaite

Note 12: Autism advocates are calling out the brain worm asshole for being an asshole. More: HuffPost

Note 13: The CDC was gonna help with that whole measles thing, but they decided against it. Probably a bad call. More: CBS

Note 14: So two things about this story. First, we don’t need a goddamn Golden Dome. And second, we don’t need some billionaire freakshow building it or using it. Where the fuck is James Bond when you need him? More: The Guardian

Note 15: We sure hope everyone is enjoying this religious season. Don’t confuse your grasses this weekend.

Note 16: Chris Cuomo is mad at AOC and Bernie for fighting back against Trump’s bullshit. Well, we’re mad that Cuomo is a corrupt, sexual-harassing scumbag who might actually be governor again. More: Daily Beast

Note 17: Chris Matthews is bringing back Hardball. Nobody asked for this. Some people should go away and stay away. NO LINK

Note 18: Let’s try not to freak out about this yet, but a broken and corrupt SCOTUS is gonna hear arguments about Trump’s efforts to ban birthright citizenship. It should be a slam dunk, but we said the same thing about immunity. More: HuffPost

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, well, this is all we need to say…

Note 20: And on that desperately needed note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all have a lovely weekend. We also hope you’re not mad at us for the opening note. We think the late prez would have liked it. Or at least forgiven us for it. Love y’all!

Note 21: BONUS — We got so excited about that Stevie Nicks thing, we wanted to throw in some Fleetwood Mac to help you kick off your weekend…

Broken promise

Remember how Trump was gonna solve the Ukraine war before he even got inaugurated? Well you’ll never believe this but that turned out to be bullshit. Now Marco Rubio is saying that the U.S. is about ready to give up and move on to other things if it looks like both sides aren’t interested in peace. Of course there aren’t both sides. There’s the country that was attacked by both Trump and Russia and then there’s Russia. It sure is wild that Trump trashing the victim while kissing the ass of the attacker hasn’t solved this thing. Also, it’s nice to see how comfortable Marco has gotten with public humiliation. What a fucking loser.

More: ABC

More of this please

A big-time conservative judge just read Trump to filth. Yesterday the Fourth Circuit denied Trump’s efforts to tell a lower court judge to fuck off over Kilmar Garcia. The author of the opinion, Judge Harvie Wilkinson, a Reagan appointee, who blasted Trump’s “lawlessness” and basically dared the Supreme Court to rubberstamp Trump’s illegal kidnapping of people. “We yet cling to the hope that it is not naïve to believe our good brethren in the Executive Branch perceive the rule of law as vital to the American ethos,” the judge wrote. Yeah, we’re all clinging to that shit.

More: POLITICO

Go Chris!

Color us impressed with Sen. Chris Van Hollen. Not only did he put his personal safety on the line to go to El Salvador and get some answers about Garcia, but he actually got those answers. Van Hollen was stopped by troops while trying to visit Garcia at the prison yesterday and it seemed like we might not even find out if he was still alive. Then Van Hollen posted pictures of himself meeting with Garcia. It was a big moment of relief, but it was also a moment when we stood in awe of a senator going the distance for what’s right. Democrats don’t have to be weaklings and we don’t have to choose between what’s right and what’s popular. If we do what’s right, that will be popular. And if it’s not, we still did the right thing. Thank you, Sen. Van Hollen!

Today’s clips

A U.S.-born American citizen being held at the request of immigration officials in Florida has been released amid worry by his mother and advocates that the state's anti-immigrant fervor could lead to the same happening to other Americans. More: NBC

Among the threats tariffs pose to the U.S. economy, none may be as strange as the sell-off in the dollar. More: HuffPost

President Trump slammed Sen. Chris Van Hollen (D-Md.) on Friday for meeting in El Salvador with a Maryland man the White House acknowledged it wrongly deported there, calling him a “fool.” More: The Hill

President Donald Trump’s administration scrapped the federal government’s main Covid-19 information hub and replaced it with a holding page blaming a Chinese laboratory for leaking the virus, shredding former President Joe Biden’s pandemic policies and attacking agencies and people it argues “obstructed” the truth. More: Mediaite