It's a good time to be a disease

Happy Friday. There are 606 days until the midterm elections. A good time to be a disease, CNN goes from suck to super suck and get ready for the Trumpcession.

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. As in Hey did you see that asshole had another rocket explode?

Note: Gather round, Sexy Patriots. Before we start the weekend, we thought we’d take everyone to school for a minute. Specifically we thought we’d do a quick English lesson. This here is a metaphor…

Oopsie. There’s your metaphor. Or maybe it’s a simile. An analogy? Ok maybe we were the wrong people to give this lesson. Regardless, that shit that Elon Musk is involved with that’s exploding that ain’t supposed to be exploding? Yeah, that’s America right now. Professor Nerdo McNaziface is blowing up our country just like that burning Starship. That’s your Social Security and Medicaid and Education falling into the Caribbean. That’s our global standing turned into flaming wreckage. That’s our national dignity feeding the fish. It’s too horrible to watch but we can’t look away. Creepy man make America go boom like rocket.

Also, remember when something going to space blowing up was a national tragedy? Now we’re just like HEY GREAT JOB, YOU FUCKING DORK! Let’s just call this one more thing Trump and Elon Leon turned into a big goddamn joke. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: By the way, while shit in the sky is blowing up, our Transportation Secretary is focused on forcing the mayor of D.C. to paint over Black Lives Matter. We wish we were joking. More: WUSA9

Note three: Trump’s pick to lead the FDA refused to give assurances to senators about vaccines or the flu shot and instead said he’d be focused on school lunches and the abortion pill. We’re excited to start buying flu shots the same way we (Sam) bought drugs in high school. More: NBC News

Note four: Earlier this week we gave props to Rep. Melanie Stansbury for her “This is not normal” sign. But we are even bigger fans now that she is calling out Republicans’ “bullshit” on the House floor. Git ‘em! More: Mediaite

Note five: This one made us laugh… and then we remembered how badly this is fucking up the economy.

Note six: Trump again welcomed white South African farmers to the U.S. this morning. So we’re putting tariffs on everything except being a racist dick. More: Reuters

Note seven: Trelump seems rattled. Yesterday Trump hastily assembled his cabinet to tell them that Elon Leon isn’t actually in charge and Leon even told Congress that he’s not actually the one firing anyone. This is all complete bullshit of course, but it’s nice to see we’re getting to them. More: Huff Post

Note eight: Trump’s U.S. attorney attack dog tried to go after Georgetown. Georgetown fired back. More: Associated Press

Note nine: Apparently the White House is unleashing our national security apparatus on a law firm because they had the audacity to tell the truth about Trump. What a normal fucking country. More: The Hill

Note 10: It’s pretty goddamn wild that Republicans are openly saying veterans should be fired. Can you imagine if a Democrat did this shit?

Note 11: This is the dumbest story you’ll read today. We hope. It seems that the Pentagon is so bigoted that it is removing thousands of pictures that contain any mention of the word “gay.” So that means they’re scrapping photos of the Enola Gay. FUCKING IDIOTS!!! More: Associated Press

Note 12: We’re not linking to Politico, but they are reporting that Kamala Harris is seriously looking at a run for governor in California. If she could do it now so Gavin Newsom could spend more time with Charlie Kirk, that would be swell. NO LINK ON PURPOSE

Note 13: Did y’all hear Trump talking about those two astronauts in space? Why the hell is he talking about them falling in love? And why the hell is he talking about her hair? What the fuck is wrong with him? More: Huff Post

Note 14: Sigh. Axios is reporting that Democratic leadership came down on the members who protested Trump’s bullshit speech. If only they were as tough on fascist fucks as they are on the people doing what we want them to do. More: Axios

Note 15: Speaking of Democratic leadership, if someone said this about us, we’d crawl under the bed and never come out again…

Note 16: Trump must have heard Jasmine Crockett call him Putin’s ho because he’s threatening Russia with sanctions. He won’t actually do it, but it’s nice to know we’re getting to him. More: BBC

Note 17: Remember that fucking asshole who asked Zelensky about wearing a suit? Well not only is he Marjorie Taylor Green’s boyfriend, but he also took payment to write about the Trump campaign. We’re guessing he also gets paid to see Marge naked because who the hell would do that for free? More: Huff Post

Note 18: We’re working on a longer apology, but we really hate what Trump says about Canada and we want to say how much we love our neighbors to the North. Sorry, eh. More: Huff Post

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we thought we’d delight in the misery of two assholes. First, ex-crackhead Mike Lindell was held in contempt of court in Minnesota. And second, bigoted ex-clerk Kim Davis lost in the 6th Circuit again. Don’t you love it when bad things happen to shitty people? More: ABC News, Fox56 News

Note 20: And on that petty but delicious note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all have a great weekend. And if you’re traveling, watch out for shit that Elon made that might blow up. Love y’all!

Sick bastards
A second person has died of measles it seems, and ebola is on the march in Uganda. But don’t worry. Our HHS secretary spent the week hiking in Coachella and telling people to take cod liver oil. Yeah, we’re fucked. You already know what a deranged disaster the brain worm asshole is, but we can also thank Elon Leon and his gang of nerds for freezing aid that was being used to contain ebola. We always thought racism would be the disease that killed America, but now it’s a wide open race. More: NPR

Chickenshit Non News (CNN)
So you know how CNN is hot garbage? Well it’s somehow getting worse. In his must-read media newsletter, Oliver Darcy reported last night that the beleaguered network is set to give Trump buttlick Scott Jennings a massive payday. So if you want to be rich when you grow up, kids, just sell out your country, lie to the American people and kiss fascist ass until your fugly face puckers. Fuck CNN. More: The Daily Beast

Trumpcession
Here we go. Way too many economic warning signs are flashing. Our idiot president can’t decide on a tariff policy. And a drugged out South African dipshit is firing thousands of Americans. So yeah, we’re guessing a recession is on its way. This morning we got a new jobs report that showed the economy only created 151,000 jobs last month, which was below expectations. The unemployment rate ticked up to 4.1 percent. Trump officials are saying this is all good and normal. Fox is already trying to blame it on Biden. We could have had nice things, America. More: Yahoo Finance

Today’s clips
A federal judge on Thursday reversed the firing of a National Labor Relations Board member by President Donald Trump, with a scathing ruling that said “an American president is not a king.” More: CNBC

For decades, new parents across the United States have been able to check a box on hospital forms in order to request Social Security numbers for their newborns.

That’s no longer the case in Maine, where parents will have to visit a Social Security field office thanks to a shocking move by President Donald Trump’s administration. More: Huff Post

There’s a $10 million reward for information leading to the arrest of a former Olympic snowboarder for Canada who is wanted for running a multi-national drug trafficking network and orchestrating multiple murders related to the drug ring. More: Huff Post

Dolly Parton has released an emotional ballad honoring her late husband Carl Thomas Dean, who died on Monday at the age of 82. More: NBC News

Ukraine may have enough weapons to fight Russia unaffected for a few weeks at least, but President Donald Trump’s decision to stop sharing intelligence will cost civilian lives almost immediately, dismayed Ukrainians said Thursday. More: NBC News

Trump Golf Track (visit)

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