It’s Wisconsin week

It’s Monday. There are 582 days until the midterm elections. It’s Wisconsin week, Trump threatens a bunch of wars and stuff is about to get way more expensive.

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. Clean words just weren’t getting it done.

Note: Oh we’ve got an exciting one for you today, Sexy Patriots! While we normally stick to politics, poop jokes and cussin’, we do occasionally get on our National Geographic shit and go exploring and looking for new species. Well, what we’ve discovered for today is really quite extraordinary. Ladies and gentlemen, the rare, nutless, gutless Spineless Suckass…

Oooooh!!! Ahhhhhh!!! Isn’t it pathetic?! A rare species indeed. Yes, the Spineless Suckass is known the world over as a despicably fearful little beast. Renowned for its embarrassing cowardice and parasitic behavior, it shrieks when in the presence of Democrats and anyone who tells the truth but pisses and shits its feathers in fear when in the presence of a fascist dictator asshole. The Spineless Suckass also has a curious habit of befriending women comedians only to later stab them in the back with its beak before scampering off to climb inside a giant orange butt. They reek of fear and gameshow host shit to the point they make passersby vomit uncontrollably.

Well that’s it for today’s safari, SPs. The Spineless Suckass is truly the lowest of species and we can only hope they go fuck themselves until they’re extinct. Because a White House press corps this pathetic and this cowardly is pretty damn pointless. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: Speaking of spineless suckasses, Chuck Schumer has a former aide in Teen Vogue warning that his weak ass is running off young voters. Also, Teen Vogue is really crushing it these days.

Teen Vogue

Note three: Oh and that White House press shit gets worse. The White House has decided to take over the briefing room seating chart even though the correspondents association was thinking about making Karoline Leavitt the permanent associate president in an effort to appease the freaks. The press wanted this so don’t feel sorry for them. Idiots. More: Axios

Note four: Trump says he’s “not joking” about a third term. Oh yeah? Who gives a shit? We’re focused on all the dumb and dangerous crap he’s doing now. More: NBC News

Note five: This is a few days old now, but we just had to laugh at it with y’all. Justafucking Dunce (JD) Vance strikes again. LOLOL!!!

Note six: Don Jr.’s girlfriend is upset that people are calling him an asshole. We don’t know how much the federal government is paying these women to date this creep, but DOGE should cut that shit out. More: The Independent

Note seven: So in the latest we’re-all-gonna-die news, the top guy at the FDA quit on Friday night because he said his new boss, RFK Jr., just wants lies instead of truth. So yeah, eat right and don’t get sick for at least the next four years. More: Associated Press

Note eight: Of course some of us will die even sooner. Trump and Elon Leon are destroying Meals on Wheels. We’re not even kidding. But hey, those billionaires need a tax cut so what are ya gonna do? More: MarketWatch

Note nine: A giant THANK YOU to everyone who protested a Tesla dealership this weekend. If you missed it, we wrote a piece about how Elon fucked with the wrong people when he decided to screw over Americans.

Note 10: It’s illegal to hand out water to voters standing in line in Georgia but apparently this shit is just fine…

Note 11: How fucked up are this administration’s kidnappings of college protesters? Even National Review is calling it out. We’ve seen people asking why we defend these protesters. It’s really fucking simple – we don’t want to be next. More: National Review

Note 12: You know what really makes America great again? Not being able to get accurate weather reports. Because who needs that shit when the climate is changing and weather is killing lots and lots of people? More: NBC News

Note 13: We’re sending love to the families of the soldiers who died in Lithuania. We wish we could say we’re sure the commander-in-chief will honor their sacrifice, but we doubt that’s gonna happen. More: NBC News

Note 14: Trump criticized Putin this weekend. We’re pretty sure it’s the first time that has ever happened. We’re also pretty sure it’s total horseshit. More: BBC

Note 15: Brazil, South Korea and now France. The whole world knows how to deal with far-right criminal shitheads except us. Enjoy the pen, Le Pen.

Note 16: You know that asshole judge in North Carolina who lost an election but is still trying to steal a state Supreme Court seat? Well he dressed up as a confederate soldier in college. Yeah, pretend to be shocked. More: Associated Press

Note 17: Ex-Democrat John Fetterman, who can go fuck himself, had to cancel an event he was gonna do with one of his Republican buddies because he was worried about protesters. What a wuss. More: PennLive

Note 18: The whole world is racing to help the poor people of Myanmar after an earthquake. Well, almost the whole world. The United States isn’t doing shit. More: NBC News

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we take you down to Louisiana, where right-wing Gov. Jeff Landry just got his lunch eaten by the state’s voters. Landry wanted to pass four constitutional amendments, including one that would make it easier to lock up children for crimes. The state said no thanks, asshole. Good on you, Louisiana! More: Yahoo

Note 20: And on that hopeful note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all had a great weekend. This promises to be another stupid fucked up week, so brace yourselves. Love y’all!

Let’s do this
So this is a big week for what’s left of American democracy. The biggest race is the state Supreme Court seat in Wisconsin that Melvin Elon Leon is trying to buy. We really need Susam Crawford in that seat, but more importantly, we need to send a message to Musk that we ain’t for sale and he can go eat shit. We’re also watching the two special House elections in Florida, where Republicans are freaking out over two seats that should have been slam-dunks for them. We need to win Wisconsin and at least overperform in Florida. Then we’ll start to see some real fear from D.C. Republicans. More: NPR, The Guardian

Donald the dove
Trump seems determined to have an Iraq War of his own, but he can’t seem to decide which country it should be. Over the weekend, Trump threatened to bomb Iran while continuing to insist that the U.S. must have Greenland. Our money early on was on Panama being his first stupid quagmire, but Canada is still an option. Remember when they told us Biden had dementia? Well he didn’t try to start a war with fucking Toronto. More: NBC News

$$$
Shit is about to get way more expensive thanks to Trump. His ridiculous Liberation Day is set for Wednesday when he will impose tariffs on every product and every country. Yes, that is very stupid. We’re already seeing that auto prices are set to skyrocket thanks to those stupid fucking tariffs. The orange idiot even went on Meet the Press and said he hopes prices do go up. Jailbird Pete Navarro was on the Sunday shows yesterday telling us that tariffs are actually tax cuts (they’re not) and telling us we’re looking at $6 trillion in tariffs over a decade. There’s a good chance this wrecks the economy. But at the very least it’s going to make a lot of shit more expensive. Thanks, Trump. More: NBC News, Associated Press

Today’s clips
A severe winter storm has killed at least six and left almost half a million energy customers without power Monday morning, as strong winds and heavy rain caused havoc from the mid-Atlantic to the South. More: NBC News

Sen. Michael Bennet (D-Colo.) on Sunday accused Director of National Intelligence Tulsi Gabbard and CIA Director John Ratcliffe of lying to Congress about the significance of the messages exchanged by senior Trump administration officials in a Signal group chat focused on military strikes on Houthi targets in Yemen. More: HuffPost

Tech billionaire Elon Musk on Sunday complained about fellow billionaire George Soros supposedly sending “operatives” to an event in Wisconsin where Musk was paying people to help sway this week’s state Supreme Court election. More: HuffPost

Aleksandr Dugin, the Russian philosopher sometimes referred to as “[Vladimir] Putin’s brain,” took a victory lap over the United States’ foreign policy inclinations under President Donald Trump in a shocking interview with CNN’s Fareed Zakaria over the weekend. More: Mediaite

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