Mommy's boy

Today’s Big Stuff. December 4, 2024.

It’s Wednesday. There are 698 days until the midterm elections. Biden takes an important message to Angola, House Republicans are gonna have a hard time and a gross Trump pick circles the drain.

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. Shitloads and shitloads of it.

Note: Sexy Patriots! How the hump is it hump day already? Time flies when you’re totally and completely humped. Yeah, we are just beginning to really reckon with how fucked up things are about to become. It sinks in a little more each day just how gross and stupid and cruel everything is gonna be. Like, it didn’t even occur to us until yesterday that we might have to spend the next four years listening to King Incel Nerdboy’s Mommy on television for some reason…

Um did any of y’all vote for the apartheid lady because we sure as hell didn’t. It’s bad enough we’ve gotta put up with her weirdo neo-nazi asshole son, but now we’ve gotta listen to this Lovey Howell shit too? If you’re gonna interview her, at least do it right. Like this…

TBS: Hey, so welcome to TBS. Are you ashamed that you crapped out a dorky Satan?

Maye: I have a diamond the size of your heads put together. Isn’t it wonderful, darling?

TBS: That’s great. We’re sure it’s covered in blood. Are you worried your weird shithead son is gonna kill America?

Maye: He flies rockets and he named one of the rockets after me and it blew up and he said that’s because it was too beautiful like me. Want to make some poor people fight each other?

TBS: Yikes. Why do you think Elon hangs out with Barron Trump instead of his own kids?

Maye: Elon is the coolest boy in school. The handsomest too. And girls like him even if he doesn’t buy them ponies!

TBS: Wait a minute… (Pulls off rubber mask to reveal Elon)... GASP! Holy shit! Maye Musk is just Elon in a rubber mask!

Elon/Maye: That’s right! And I would’ve gotten away with it too if it wasn’t for you snooping cussing newsletter people.

Well there you have it, SPs. Journalism and democracy might be dying, but at least you can count on us to make fun of Elon and his mom while ripping off Scooby Doo. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: Senate Democrats have decided to run it back. Yesterday they reelected Sen. Chuck Schumer as leader and mostly stuck with the same folks at the top we’ve seen. Let’s hope these folks are ready to fight like hell. More: AP News

Note three: LOL! Kash Patel got hacked by Iran. That sounds like something that would happen to Trump’s FBI director. Man, we don’t even want to think about all the gross shit in that freak’s inbox. More: CBS

Note four: Today the Supreme Court is hearing arguments on the constitutionality of Tennessee’s ban on gender-affirming care for trans folks. This war on kids who are different is as mean as it is predictable. Expect SCOTUS to be extra cruel. More: NPR

Note five: Speaking of mommies defending their creeper scumbag sons, here’s Pete Hegseth’s mom on Fox this morning recanting her letter to her son in which she excoriated him for abusing women. Man this is fucked up.

Note six: There are a lot of hot takes right now about other presidents who pardoned relatives. We don’t care about any of them, and we remain totally cool with Joe Biden pardoning Hunter. If you saw Kash Patel foaming at the mouth over one of your kids, you’d pardon them too.

Note seven: Joe Manchin gave his final speech as a senator yesterday. It was entitled Who Gives A Shit? Bye, Joe. Thanks for the corruption and for fucking over lots of poor kids by refusing to move on the Child Tax Credit. Asshole. More: Herald Star

Note eight: Mitch McConnell is upset that a couple of judges decided not to retire. And here the rest of the world is upset that Mitch hasn’t retired and then fucked off straight to hell. More: The Hill

Note nine: Pittsburgh union leaders are shocked that Trump appears to be selling them out by blocking the U.S. Steel-Nippon deal. There’s gonna be a lot of this over the next four years as people remember who Trump actually is. More: Trib Live

Note 10: Wanna see something that will make your goddamn blood boil?

Note 11: Trump’s DEA pick has withdrawn. The right hates him because he arrested a pastor who was holding services during the pandemic. You just know Don Jr. is gonna get it now. More: MSNBC

Note 12: That South Korean coup attempt lasted like four hours yesterday. The nation came together to defend its democracy from a power-hungry president. We’re so fucking jealous. More: AP News

Note 13: Want to know who is running some of Twitter’s biggest neo-nazi accounts that Elon Leon loves so much? Well the Texas Observer has you covered. More: Texas Observer

Note 14: Thank you to Democrat Sean Casten for continuing to fight for the release of the Matt Gaetz report. Americans deserve to know just how creepy that sonofabitch really is. More: NBC

Note 15: This feels like something Americans would be hotly debating if we weren’t so worried about the death of our democracy…

Note 16: This is insane. The CEO of UnitedHealthcare was shot and killed in Midtown Manhattan this morning. More: NBC

Note 17: So yeah, um, why does Margorie Taylor Greene want a pardon and is it true she lost her toes in a pipe bomb explosion? More: HuffPost

Note 18: Some really horrible news out of Idaho where a judge said the state can enforce parts of its abortion travel ban. This shit is about to get even scarier than it already was. More: The Guardian

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending we take you to the U.S. Senate and the good deed of some anonymous and flatulent patriot. Thank you, Senate Farter!

Note 20: And on that pungent note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all are having a lovely week. And if you’re not, just remember that your mom isn’t Maye Musk and you’ll feel a lot better. Love y’all!

Thank you, Mr. President

We know there are a lot of folks angry at Joe Biden right now, but we were sure proud of him yesterday. This week Biden became the first U.S. president to visit the African nation of Angola, using the occasion to formally apologize for slavery and reaffirm the relationship of the two countries. This is good. America should apologize for slavery. Yet it feels like we seem to be going the other way. Can you imagine Trump doing something like this? Of course not.

More: BBC

Good luck, Mikey!

So with Democrat Adam Gray winning the last outstanding U.S. House seat, we now know that the margin is 220-215. But that doesn’t include the members that Trump has picked to join him in his cabinet, so Republicans basically have a one-vote majority for a few months. This should be a prime opportunity for Democrats to mess with Trump’s dictator plans, but only if we stay unified. Let’s hope our party is ready to fight.

More: Roll Call

Bye, Pete

We showed you Pete Hegseth’s mommy begging for her son’s nomination, but it might be too late. There were several reports last night that Trump has soured on Hegseth who doesn’t seem to have the votes for confirmation. There were also reports last night that in addition to being an accused rapist, Hegseth has a serious drinking problem that even worried the other assholes at Fox News. Want to hear something hilarious and terrifying? Trump is looking at Ron DeSantis as his possible replacement. While it would be a good thing for Florida to be rid of ol’ Pudding Fingers, we sure would hate that for the military and the rest of the nation.

More: NBC, NBC

Today’s clips

Attorneys for Donald Trump filed a request Tuesday, as expected, asking New York Supreme Court Judge Juan Merchan to dismiss the hush money case against the president-elect despite the guilty verdict delivered in May. More: HuffPost

President-elect Donald Trump’s pick for FBI director, Kash Patel, promoted a supplement line this year that purports without evidence to help people “detox” from Covid vaccines. More: NBC

A fast-moving, low-pressure clipper system is forecast to bring snow and strong winds to the Midwest and the Northeast over the next two days, as cold air drives temperatures down towards freezing. More: ABC