ONE WEEK UNTIL ELECTION DAY!

Today’s Big Stuff. October 29, 2024.

It’s Tuesday. THERE IS ONE WEEK UNTIL ELECTION DAY! The Washington Post finds out big time, the GOP really effed up with Puerto Ricans and Kamala closes. 

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. Aren’t you glad?

Note: Well, Sexy Patriots, today we faced a choice. We were either gonna do a whole riff about how we know who has been setting ballots on fire and the big reveal was gonna be “it was a Trump supporter” because like no shit, right? But instead we saw something beautiful so this is a Joe Biden appreciation post. Just look at this man…

Goddamnit, Joe. Making things all dusty in here. That is just some Jimmy Carter-esque goodness right there. Just a good damn man and possibly the best president of our lifetimes. So far. And you know what we like most about him? He’s not a total piece of shit like Trump. Yeah, we find it so refreshing the way he makes America better for all of us and isn’t a total fucking asshole like Trump is. He created jobs and wasn’t a racist nazi dickhead. He’s truly been the anti-Trump, and we don’t say it enough. 

So thanks, Dark Brandon. We’re really grateful. Thanks for not sucking like Trump. Now let’s go win this thing! Y’all have a blessed day. 

Note two: Also, we know who has been setting ballots on fire. It was a Trump supporter. Because no shit, right? More: Associated Press

Note three: That racist scumbag comedian had also planned to call VP Harris the c-word, but the Trump people cut it. That tells us two things — 1. They were alright with the rest of that crap. 2. That racist scumbag comedian is about to be the u-word — unemployed. More: The Independent

Note four: The world just got a little less safer. Steve Bannon got out of prison last night. We hear he’s already complaining that he misses the toilet wine. More: NBC News

Note five: Looks like Trump needs some crowd Viagra to get those numbers up. So sad. More: Twitter

Note six: We regret to inform you that we’re all waiting to see if Trump’s corrupt and broken SCOTUS is about to end democracy. What a cool and normal country we’ve become. More: Vox

Note seven: We found the spine in the Bush family. Apparently it belongs to daughter Barbara Bush who has endorsed VP Harris and even campaigned for her in Pennsylvania this weekend. Her dad was nowhere to be found as he continued to be a total pud. More: People

Note eight: Janky Dognuts (JD) Vance is doing Joe Rogan’s show today. These guys are really giving circle jerks a bad name.

Note nine: Btw, VP Harris offered to do Rogan’s show, but he demanded she come to his Austin studio and do it for three hours. She said no because she doesn’t work for some roided out dipshit who thinks he’s the new Cronkite.

Note 10: We know this crusty orange fuck didn’t just come for Michelle Obama. He needs to keep her name out of his mouth.

Note 11: Jon Stewart thinks the racist comedian from the Trump rally is funny. So Jon Stewart can kiss our asses. What a pathetic disappointment. More: Variety

Note 12: Speaking of pathetic disappointments, Nikki Haley is still sitting on her ass waiting for Trump to call her and ask her to campaign. And if that ain’t the funniest and saddest thing you ever heard, we don’t know what is. More: Associated Press

Note 13: Don’t worry, everybody. Trump says he’s “the opposite of a nazi.” But we don’t believe him. More: The Hill

Note 14: Want to see what a Trump administration would do to the price of shit at Walmart? It’s shocking really. Thanks to HuffPo for doing this important journalism. We’re not even being snarky. It just sounds that way. More: Huff Post

Note 15: This post from Ice T hurts our heart. We’ve all gone through this in the Trump years as people we liked, loved and even respected have revealed themselves as racist assholes. 

Note 16: The Bob’s Burgers actor was sentenced to a year in prison for his role in the Jan. 6 attack. The funny thing is we still don’t know his name. More: Associated Press

Note 17: We shall be rooting against the San Francisco 49ers forever. The team’s Nick Bosa interrupted a teammate’s interview after a game Sunday to show off his MAGA hat. Then he turned into a total chickenshit wimp when asked about it. And yes, this is the same team that had Colin Kaepernick as a QB. More: USA Today

Note 18: Some really ugly shit went down on CNN last night as one of the network’s gross Republican asshole guests told Medhi Hassan “I hope your beeper doesn’t go off.” The Republican guest was removed and will not be invited back. The meanness of these cruel sonsofbitches is really coming out these days. More: NBC News

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we give you the Grateful Dead’s Bob Weir, endorsing Kamala Harris as only a member of the Grateful Dead could… More: Twitter

Note 20: And on that groovy note, let’s go do some news! We’re one week away from making history and saving this nation’s hot ass once again. We can do this. We’re gonna do this. Let’s fucking go! Love y’all!

Whoa
The Washington Post lost an eye-popping 200,000 subscribers over owner Jeff Bezos’ decision to stop the editorial board from endorsing Kamala Harris. And then it somehow got worse. Bezos himself wrote an oped for the paper making clear he thinks its readers are dumber than dog shit. Bezos claims he killed the endorsement to make the paper more fair and seem less biased. He even suggested that he is a journalist, which he most certainly is not. So basically he didn’t learn a goddamn thing and another billionaire butthead has ruined something precious in America. Fuck. More: NPR, Associated Press

Puerto Rican fury|
So Puerto Ricans and Hispanics are rightfully fucking furious over the comedian at the Trump this weekend, and there are multiple reports that this has energized voters toward Harris. Politico reported that Puerto Ricans are planning to protest outside Trump’s Allenton, Pa. rally tonight, and MAGA Mike Johnson had to pull the old I-didn’t-see-it bullshit when he was asked about it. Harris campaign manager Jen O’Malley-Dillon said this morning that the campaign is seeing movement. Trump has a press conference this morning, and we’re expecting him to be a total dick about this, throw the comedian under the bus and then pretend he doesn’t know anything about it. More: Politico

The closer
Tonight is the big night. Tonight Vice President Kamala Harris will address as many as 50,000 supporters at the same Ellipse where Trump launched an attack on the U.S. Capitol. The VP is doing a series of swing-state interviews during the day, and then she will address the crowd with a “hopeful and optimistic” speech that draws a striking contrast with the crazy shit Trump said in the same setting. We’re gonna win this, y’all. We just have to keep working. More: CNN

Today’s clips
The U.S. Postal Service has advised mail-in voters to send their ballots in a week early, according to a Monday statement. 

Though deadlines for the return of vote-by-mail ballots vary by state, the Postal Service has urged voters with a deadline of Nov. 5 to send their ballots in by Tuesday, Oct. 29. More: Huff Post

With Election Day on the horizon, Elon Musk is leaning into violent and vulgar rhetoric.

Musk, one of the world’s richest men, posted a video to X on Sundayin which a gladiator with President Donald Trump’s face briefly sword fights with and kicks a warrior with Vice President Kamala Harris’ face — a video whose creator appears to be aligned with neo-Nazism. 

Before that, on Friday, Elon Musk’s super PAC, America PAC, published a video to X calling Harris the “C-word” before going on to call her a “Communist.” The advertisement was deleted from America PAC’s X account Monday. More: NBC News

Sen. JD Vance (R-Ohio) said Monday that he hadn’t heard the offensive remark about Puerto Rico a comedian made at former President Donald Trump’s rally on Sunday, but he said even if was a “stupid racist joke,” he was “so over” people getting offended at “every little thing.” More: Huff Post