Our new shadow president

Today’s Big Stuff. November 13, 2024.

It’s Wednesday. There are 719 days until the midterm elections. A sore pathetic loser in Wisconsin, Trump hates the troops and Elon Leon gets a fake job. 

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. Even in its dreams. 

Note: Well, Sexy Patriots, this picture ain’t getting any prettier. Orange assmouth has been rolling out his cabinet picks and every dang one one of them is worse than the one before. It’s like the Star Wars bar except way scummier and surprisingly more tentacles. Just yesterday Trump announced lying butt-kiss John Ratcliffe is gonna be his CIA director. So yeah, that ain’t good. In fact it’s so bad they’re changing the name to just Central Agency. But it gets worse.

Here at TBS we actually have a scoop. It turns out that Trump is going to nominate his buddy, William D. Womanmurderer, to be the secretary of Health and Human Services. Pretty fucked up, right? Yeah, William, or Billy, Womanmurderer was sentenced to multiple life sentences for killing as many as 17 women back in the 1970s. He confessed, said he enjoyed doing it and has never repented. He even changed his damn name. Fucking psycho used to be William Smith. Nevertheless, he has been paroled to serve in the Trump administration so he can protect women.

Now that’s a bad and dark joke, but admit it — for like one brief second you thought it might be true. That’s just how truly fucked up things are and are gonna be. Thank god you’ve got our hilarious asses to make jokes like this and get you through it. Sheesh. We’ll try to be funnier tomorrow. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: The Mitch McConnell era comes to an end today when Senate Republicans elect a new leader. Mitch has done immeasurable damage to this country, and we have really enjoyed watching him get eaten by the monster he created. Bye, Mitch. More: NBC News

Note three: And the far-right lunatics are going to challenge MAGA Mike Johnson for Speaker. We expect they’ll lose, but it’s nice to know the scary kids are already fighting with each other. More: The Hill

Note four: Steve Bannon was back in court yesterday. Ya know, because he’s a criminal. More: AP News

Note five: This is a pretty good list. Poor Rudy Giuliani is such a loser he didn’t even make it.

Note six: It’s truly sickening how many voters thought it was a good idea to reward election deniers. Maricopa County is gonna be a helluva lot harder to win now. More: BoltsMag

Note seven: Mike Pence came out against Trump pardoning the Jan. 6 scum. Nice of you to speak up, Mike. Been on vacation? More: The Wrap

Note eight: Is it just us or is Trump focused on building a cabinet that will be fine with attacking Americans and Iran?

Note nine: Trump wants to make it easier to purge generals from the military. It must suck to dedicate your life to protecting this nation only to have your lifetime of service thrown aside from a draft-dodging chickenshit. More: New Republic

Note 10: We definitely feel this…

Note 11: LOLOL! It really says everything you need to know about a second Trump term that he’s considering making his defense attorney the White House press secretary. More: The Hill

Note 12: Finally some fucking good news! Sarah Hucakbee Sanders said she won’t be joining the Trump administration. She’s gonna stay where she is and keep making Arkansas a total shithole. More: Fox News

Note 13: Unfortunately, her scumbag dipshit daddy is joining the administration as the ambassador to Israel. This is a man who has said Palestinians don’t exist, so you can see where this is going. Hope those protest votes against Harris were worth it. More: AP News

Note 14: There’s a big debate over whether the corrupt new Senator from West Virginia can bring his dog to Senate meetings. Thank goodness they’re focused on the important shit. We still don’t miss Manchin though. More: Axios

Note 15: Considering how the world is looking right now, we thought we’d just put this right here in case anyone is interested…

Note 16: Denzel Washington is going to star in Black Panther 3 at some point. We really needed that. Oh and Kentucky beat Duke last night. Keep the good news coming! More: Hollywood Reporter

Note 17: Jack Smith is leaving before Trump can fire him. So yeah, Trump got away with a coup attempt against the United States. Can you hear our blood boiling through the screen? More: CNN

Note 18: If you pray, pray for Joe Biden today. He has to meet with orange assface at the White House today. So yeah, today might suck. More: CNN

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we go to the U.S. Senate…

Note 20: And on that inspiring note, let’s go do some news! We hope y’all are doing ok considering everything is fucked up and awful. If it helps, you smell amazing. And your TV and movie recommendations are amazing! Love y’all!

Pathetic

Eric Hovde, the California businessman who lost to Sen. Tammy Baldwin in Wisconsin, is being a whiny punk. Hovde is refusing to concede the election even though he acknowledges he lost. Yes, it’s as stupid as it sounds. He is instead lying about irregularities and considering calling for a recount. Maybe he should just go back to Orange County and shut the fuck up.

More: AP News

WHAT?!

It was so hard to wait until the news section to talk about this insane shit. Trump has tapped a weekend Fox and Friends host to be the news Secretary of Defense. And it also happens to be the most batshit crazy Fox and Friend. Pete Hegseth is a lunatic who lobbied to get convicted war criminals freed, said women shouldn’t serve in combat roles and almost killed a drummer with an axe (video below). This guy shouldn’t even be allowed to take the Pentagon tour, let alone lead the place. We’re actually glad Trump isn’t hiding how nuts this is all gonna be. Let the American people see just how badly they fucked up.

More: AP News

Playing pretend

Yesterday Trump announced the Elon Leon Musk and Vivek Ramaswamy will team up to lead a government efficiency committee. Because everything is just a big joke to these guys, Leon named it DOGE, or department of government efficiency, which also happens to be the name of his fucking cryptocurrency. While it is terrifying that Elon Leon is our new shadow president and hellbent on destroying government programs that either help people or hold him accountable, it is nice knowing these idiots are so fucking incompetent that they put two people in charge of an efficiency committee. Oh and this thing will have zero statutory authority. If that kinda thing still matters.

More: NPR

Today’s clips

Longtime Democratic strategist James Carville on Tuesday lamented to MSNBC’s Ari Melber that Democrats “didn’t have a choice” when it came to nominating Vice President Kamala Harris as the party’s 2024 presidential candidate. In the run up to the presidential election, Carville expressed his fears over Donald Trump winning but repeatedly stated that Harris would defeat him. The day before, Carville even said the GOP nominee’s campaign had “the smell of a loser.” More: HuffPost

Price growth ticked higher in October as voters began casting ballots in a presidential election in which economic concerns played a big role. More: NBC

Transgender youth in the United States have been flooding crisis hotlines since the election of Donald Trump, who made anti-transgender themes central to his campaign. Many teens worry about how their lives could change once he takes office. More: ABC