Pardon us

It’s Monday. There are 596 days until the midterm elections. A(nother) constitutional crisis, the fascists silence Voice of America and the dicktator says Biden’s pardons don’t count.

Update: 10:30 AM ET:

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. But at least it isn’t on a goddamn book tour.

Note: Well, Sexy Patriots, we regret to inform you that shit didn’t get any less shittier over the weekend. And yet here you are smelling fantastic! What is your secret? Sorry. We’re buttering you up because the news really is horrible and fucked up and we didn’t know how to sugarcoat it. The stupid is coming fast, y’all. Why just this weekend, the good ol’ US of A went and deported a kidney transplant expert even though a judge and common fucking sense said not to…

Godamnit to hell. Of all the stupid, cruel and just plain idiotic… WHO THE FUCK IS SUPPOSED TO DO KIDNEY TRANSPLANTS, GENIUSES?! HERSCHEL FUCKING WALKER? DON FUCKING JUNIOR? No thanks! We don’t need some Trump University MD dumbshit taking a dirty spork to our kidneys. No way those dumb motherfuckers even know where the kidneys are. Probably wake up missing an earlobe and find it sewn to your dang taint.

So yeah, in addition to being meaner than rattlesnakes, the United States is just really, really, really fucking stupid right now. Fuck. We’re sorry we’re not better than this, Dr. Alawieh. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: We read Chuck Schumer’s gross New York Times interview this weekend, and that fucker needs to step down. Or switch parties. Or just go the hell away. Democrats should be led by Democrats. More: New York Times

Note three: Well, America, we were close to a cure for pancreatic cancer, but now the brain worm guy might fuck that up. More: MSN

Note four: The new Canadian PM is headed to Europe to make friends since America sucks now. More: MSN

Note five: Oh look, it’s the Vice President of the United States of America telling Germany to be more nazi-ish. Don’t you wish fucking couches was the worst part about this guy?

Note six: The Pentagon is literally erasing the contributions of Black American heroes. Remember when white political reporters just couldn’t be sure if Trump is a racist or not? More: Times Now News

Note seven: Did you remember to congratulate our dumbshit president on winning his club championship? Yeah, we didn’t either. Mostly because we hate him but also because we know he cheats like the loser that he is. More: Golf Week

Note eight: The United States is now a bad place to be a young scientist. Guess they should have majored in English Lit. Or lived somewhere science is valued. More: Associated Press

Note nine: We want to thank everyone who has been protesting at Tesla dealerships despite the threats from our joke of an Attorney General. But honestly, is there anything worse for the Tesla brand than Ted Cruz endorsing it? More: Latin News

Note 10: See? That Cruz shit already drove Sen. Kelly away. Well that and all the other nazi shit.

Note 11: The Washington Post is officially dead. They are now running propaganda on the front page about Trump’s bullshit golden age. RIP to another American institution. NO LINK ON PURPOSE. DON’T GIVE THEM THE CLICKS.

Note 12: Some really scary polling news – according to a new NBC poll, about a third of Americans now consider themselves “MAGA.” The rest of us still consider them assholes.

Note 13: Some more from that poll – Democrats now have a 27 percent favorable view as even we hate the cowards leading our own party, 54 percent disapprove of Trump’s handling of the economy and 55 percent disapprove of his handling of inflation. Only 30 percent of independents approve of Trump’s performance and 67 percent disapprove. More: Yahoo News

Note 14: Elon Leon literally tweeted something saying that Hitler wasn’t responsible for millions of deaths. So when the fuck is he getting deported? More: Huff Post

Note 15: Trump hasn’t ended the war in Ukraine yet because he was just being sarcastic when he said he would. We’re beginning to think the American voters were being sarcastic when they elected this fucking moron.

Note 16: Want help for that hurricane that destroyed your town? Well first you gotta make the racist president happy and cut all programs that might help Black people or women. More: MSNBC

Note 17: Elon Leon cut off benefits for a dead person. Except they were alive. Are people still calling this dipshit a genius? More: Seattle Times

Note 18: This is a hard read. The New York Times took a look at how many people Elon Leon and Trump are actually killing with their policies, and we’re looking at more than 1.6 million from AIDS alone. So basically we’re dealing with fucking serial killers. More: Mediaite

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we’re going to Hungary. And Serbia. And places where hundreds of thousands of people took to the streets this weekend in protest. Our time is here too. The scary people have taken over, but we’re not giving up without a big fucking fight.

Note 20: And on that inspirational note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all had a great weekend and that you don’t need a kidney transplant or a smart president anytime soon. Love y’all!

It’s here
Over the weekend, Trump invoked the Alien Enemies Act of 1798 so he could start deporting people faster, including a planeload of alleged criminals he sent to a labor camp in El Salvador. But much like our kidney transplant doctor, a judge had already said those people were not to be deported and ordered a freeze. Still, the Trump administration did it anyway with Secretary Marco Rubio retweeting a mocking post from the Salvadoran dictator. By our count, this is twice at least that the Trump administration has defied a court order but the first time they have bragged about it. More: NBC News

Silenced
For decades, Voice of America has spread the word of democracy around the globe. China and Russia hated it. So of course Trump just shut it down and Elon Leon went to Twitter to brag about it. The move came just a day or so after a VOA reporter asked Trump a question he didn’t like. It’s pretty jarring to realize that America is no longer pro-democracy, but here we are. We’re expecting VOA to be completely rebranded as Trump propaganda. More: CNN

Pardon us
In a late night screed on Truth Social, Trump declared that Biden’s pardons of the Jan. 6 committee members are void because Biden allegedly used an auto-pen to sign the pardons. In the message, Trump said that the committee members should now expect to be investigated, which is even more fucked up if you saw Trump’s speech at DOJ on Friday. So yeah, he’s gone full dictator and it’s only a matter of time before he starts locking up his political enemies. More: USA Today

Today’s clips
Nita Lowey, former longtime New York representative and the first woman to lead the U.S. House Appropriations Committee, has died at the age of 87. More: ABC7 Los Angeles

U.S. Treasury Secretary Scott Bessent has declared “there are no guarantees” that Americans won’t face a recession during President Donald Trump’s second term. More: Huff Post

The annual Gridiron Club and Foundation Dinner — for the first time in its 140-year history — did not raise a glass to the sitting president, reported multiple media outlets. More: Huff Post

President Donald Trump said late Sunday that negotiators in Washington and Moscow have begun discussing the division of assets between Russia and Ukraine in an effort to bring to an end the three-year-long war between the two countries. More: NBC News

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