Pardon us?

It’s Monday. There are 700 days until the midterm elections. The FBI is about to get way scarier, a warning from a monster’s mommy and Dark Brandon goes Dark Daddy.

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. And it’s been saving that shit up for like a week.

Note: Sexy Patriots! Holy shit we sure missed your hot asses. How the hell are you?! How was your Thanksgiving? Does Uncle Trump Trash have third-degree burns on his crotch thanks to an “accidental” gravy boat spill? Oh that’s a shame. Well we sure are glad to be back with you, and we’re damn grateful to you for letting us take some time off to recharge. Lots of scary fucked up shit happened while we were away. But right now we need to talk about this…

Um… We don’t really know what to say here. There’s weird, there’s fuck-a-couch weird and then there’s whatever the hell that is. We kinda like that Jello Diddler (JD) Vance has gone missing, but when he pops up just to do shit like this it really freaks us the eff out. It’s like there’s a roomful of horrifying serial killers but the one you really gotta worry about is the guy who keeps disappearing. We like to think Trump traded him out for Elon…