Passed-Out Pete’s PR Push

It’s Tuesday. There are 560 days until the midterm elections. Trump’s FU to college students, Passed-Out Pete’s PR campaign and the economy ain’t looking so hot.

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. It also stole $3,000 in cash from Kristi Noem. Wanna split it?

Note: Hey there, Sexy Patriots! How the heck are ya today? Just happy as a clam knowing that you’re anyone other than Jugz Dudeboobies (JD) Vance? Yeah, us too. It’s a good feeling, isn’t it? But if we’re honest, we think we’ve been laughing at Jolly Dingusdiddle (JD) too much lately. Because it’s really been eating into the amount of time we spend laughing at this fucking loser…

LOL!!! Boo-fucking-hoo! Poor Elon Leon Melvin has a big sad and he hasn’t finished building his next girlfriend in the lab yet so he has no one to have weird sex with about it. Ain’t that just a tragedy? We aren’t the first to notice it, but the ol’ Five-headed Fuckheaded Weirdo hasn’t been seen next to Trump quite as much since he got his taint whooped in Wisconsin. Can you imagine being such a loser weirdo creep that you’re too much for Trump? Ouch. Yeah, Elon Leon is about to go live on that big beautiful farm somewhere upstate where Melania is running and playing all the livelong day.

Anyway, please keep pointing and laughing at Vice President Couchfuck as much as your heart desires. But don’t forget to save some mockery for the incel South African Frankenstein who broke our government. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: We regret to inform you the pope is still quite dead. His funeral will be Saturday. More: Associated Press

Note three: But seriously, why was Kristi Noem carrying $3,000 in cash and her passport? Does every member of the Trump administration have a go-bag for when America gets fed up with their bullshit? More: NBC News

Note four: We trash the New York Times a lot (and we try not to use them because we don’t want y’all hitting paywalls) but they have an important story today about a migrant who was taken by the U.S. government and then just disappeared. Ricardo Prada Vasquez seems to have dropped off the face of the Earth. More: New York Times

Note five: It is fucking wild how open some Republicans are with their racism these days. Before Trump, they used to hide that shit. Fuck off, Diana!

Note six: Ok so this one is absolutely fucking terrifying. RFK Jr. wants a national registry for people with autism. Someone tell that dead worm in his brain we all said fuck no. More: CBS News

Note seven: How can you not love Larry David? Well if you’re Bill Maher, it's probably pretty easy. David went to the op-ed pages of the New York Times and published “My Dinner with Adolf,” a hilarious takedown of Maher’s bullshit. That must’ve hurt. More: The Guardian

Note eight: Harvard is fighting back. Yesterday the Ivy League giant announced it is suing Trump over his vendetta against the school. It must suck to be Columbia and know that the Harvard weenies are tougher than they are. More: NBC News

Note nine: This is hilarious. Or it would be if this idiot didn’t have the nuclear codes. Trump has endorsed not one, but two candidates for Arizona governor. It’s gonna be so fucking funny when they both lose. More: HuffPost

Note 10: This cracked us up pretty good…

Note 11: Have y’all seen Sinners yet? No, we’re not talking about this administration. We’re big Ryan Coogler and Michael B. Jordan fans, so don’t spoil the movie for us. More: NPR

Note 12: While the market was tanking yesterday, Trump was posting about a Long Island high school’s mascot. We’re not joking. We really wish we were. More: The Hill

Note 13: We might dodge another bullet if Kavanaugh and Barrett stop the lunatics from wrecking Obamacare. Fingers crossed! More: Associated Press

Note 14: Nadine Menendez, ex-Sen. Bob Menendez’s wife, was convicted at her bribery trial yesterday. This isn’t really the point, but we really like the name Nadine. You just never hear that anymore. Anyway, lock ‘em up. More: The Hill

Note 15: This is a United States Senator going full 9/11 truther. Remember when this kinda thing ended careers?

Note 16: Rep. Maxwell Frost went on Fox yesterday and made a full of some limp-peened kiss-ass named Will Cain. Take it easy on ‘em, Frosty! More: HuffPost

Note 17: The soulless monster who went on a shooting rampage in El Paso because he believed he was doing Trump’s work was convicted and sentenced to 23 life terms. If there was any justice in this world, Trump would be sharing a cell with him. More: Texas Tribune

Note 18: Thank you to Rep. Jimmy Gomez, who wants to know if Hegseth was drunk during his most recent Signal leak. We’d love to see more Democrats asking about this and Elon Leon’s drug use. More: HuffPost

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we want to congratulate our friends at MeidasTouch for winning a Webby. These dudes have been crushing it, and we are damn grateful. We also like anything that makes Joe Rogan cry.

Note 20: And on that triumphant note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all are having an awesome week. And if not, just remember that you’re not a Vance or a Musk. That always cheers us right up. Love y’all!

Fuck them kids
After a five-year grace period because of covid, student loan borrowers who are in default are back on the hook. While Joe Biden did his damnedest to forgive as many loans as possible, Republican judges did everything they could to stop him. Well now Trump is going after 5 million Americans with plans to garnish wages and tax refunds if they don’t pay up. Is it just us or is it really obvious that the dumbest motherfucker to ever be president is trying really hard to destroy American education? More: NBC News

Fox and Fucked up Friends
How do we know Pete Hegseth is in trouble? This morning he ran back to the warm bosom of Fox News to blame the Deep State for him being a fucking moron. Yeah, the same morning that NBC reported that Pete was sharing details from a general with his fucking wife and brother, Pete went back to his buddies at Fox and blamed everyone else for his screw-up. It has seemed pretty obvious to us that Trump will keep this dumbshit on no matter what, it is interesting that Pete felt like he needed to do a PR hit just to make sure. We saw one tiny crack in the dam yesterday when Republican Rep. Don Bacon called on Hegseth to resign. While we agree that Hegseth should go, we have to admit we’re kinda curious to see what he fucks up next. More: NBC News, Axios, Politico

Trump’s economy
You won’t believe this, but it turns out it was a mistake to put a vengeful moron in charge of our economy. Ok so you will believe it. The Dow is headed for its worst April since the Great Depression, the S&P 500 has had its worse performance since Inauguration Day since 1928 and the IMF is warning that we’re basically fucked. Basically, Trump has wrecked a great economy that was handed to him on a silver platter. His plan seems to be to just lie about it while screaming “fake news.” In his defense, that has worked before. But we still think people will see and feel that the economy is heading straight down the shitter. More CNBC, CNBC II

Today’s clips
The Supreme Court acted “literally in the middle of the night” and without sufficient explanation in blocking the Trump administration from deporting any Venezuelans held in northern Texas under an 18th-century wartime law, Justice Samuel Alito wrote in a sharp dissent that castigated the seven-member majority. More: Associated Press

More than 150 university and college presidents co-signed a letter on Tuesday condemning the Trump administration's recent efforts to dictate the policies of private higher education institutions in exchange for federal funding. Mor: NBC News

The Supreme Court on Tuesday considers the latest dispute that pits religious rights against LGBTQ rights as the justices weigh parents' objections over books made available in a school district's elementary schools that feature stories about gay and transgender characters. More: NBC News

Immigration and Customs Enforcement denied pro-Palestinian activist Mahmoud Khalil’s request to be by his wife’s side as she went into labor Sunday, leaving him in a Louisiana detention facility while she gave birth in New York. More: HuffPost