Pay the bills

It’s Wednesday. There are 608 days until the midterm elections. SCOTUS forces orangey to pay the bills, Trump screws Ukraine some more and a fat-headed moron gives a bad speech.

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. It also threw some shit at the tv last night.

Note: Hey there, Sexy Patriots! Everything is gross and sucky and we have much to discuss, but first a little business. While we are not in any way official representatives of the United States, we are taking it upon ourselves to reject the apology to our country from Western Australia Premier Roger Cook.

Now we know what you’re thinking — you guys are so good looking and who the hell is Roger Cook? Well first, thank you. Second, we don’t actually know. Yeah, we couldn’t pick him out of a line-up, but we still can’t accept his apology. Cook apparently called Jellybelly Doodienuts (JD) Vance a “knob” and wants to take it back. Sorry, Rog. You were right the first time. And besides, knob is such a great insult and it perfectly describes our ass-kissing, couch-fucking vice president. We might even start calling Vice President Knob Couchfuck.

Again, we have no idea who this awesome Aussie dude is but he’s running for re-election and has earned our endorsement. Stop apologizing, world. Our leaders are knobs, and they need to hear it. Y’all have a blessed day. More: Guardian

Note two: Before we really start tearing apart that whine-fest from last night, can we all please focus on this and collectively scream WHAT THE EFFING FUCK?! Don’t you wish these corrupt sonsofbitches would at least respect us enough to try and hide this shit?

Note three: A GIANT THANK YOU to Rep. Al Green, who showed us last night how it’s done. He said after he was forced out of the chamber that he wanted people to see that some folks are standing up to Trump. Thank you, sir. We really did need to see that. More: NBC

Note four: Team Trump is rethinking using Gitmo because it’s really expensive. Whenever you read a story like this, just remember that Elon Leon says we’re too broke to pay a U.S. military veteran $50,000 a year to be a park ranger. More: NBC

Note five: Wanna know how fucked we are? Well the brain worm guy in charge of our health is calling for battling a measles outbreak with cod liver oil. Hug your loved ones. More: NBC

Note six: This is not gonna go well for Trump or Fox News. Cratering the economy pisses people off. Even when they’re in a cult.

Note seven: Republicans can’t fund the government so they’re about to pass another short-term bill to keep the government open for a year. Get ready to be pissed off because our guess is that our party will fold and enable this stupid shit. Let’s hope we’re wrong. It has happened before. More: The Hill

Note eight: We’re expecting Trump to go ahead and cave again to Mexico and Canada. Mostly because he’s a wimp and the stock market has been tanking since his idiot ass made this move. More: CNBC

Note nine: This morning Trump’s aggregate poll numbers moved him underwater 47.9/47.6. And this is just the honeymoon phase. LOL.

Note 10: We’re gonna need a new opposition party…

Note 11: Greenland is reiterating yet again that they are not for sale. Why would they want to give up free health care to be one of Trump’s subjects? More: HuffPost

Note 12: Trump said last night we’re going to plant the American flag on Mars. Anyone wanna bet we don’t? More: The Hill

Note 13: We shared this story about Joni Ernst yesterday, but we’re sharing it again because how the fuck is this not a major scandal? More: ProPublica

Note 14: This was a much better response than a Democrat praising Reagan and Bush…

Note 15: Make sure to enjoy March Madness this year while we still have colleges!

Note 16: We had mixed feelings about how Democrats responded to the speech last night, but we were relieved to hear them booing Elon Leon. More: HuffPost

Note 17: And we definitely approve of this message. We like the cut of the new DNC chair’s jib.

Note 18: Here’s a story about some pretty obvious goddamn corruption where people are paying millions of dollars to eat with Trump at Mar-a-Lago. Can you imagine if Biden… oh fuck it. More: Wired

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we want to single out and praise Rep. Melanie Stansbury for sending a very clear message last night. And even though some asshole Republican ripped up her sign, we saw and appreciated her effort.

Note 20: And on that defiant note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all didn’t watch that awful shit last night. We also hope foreign politicians aren’t calling you a knob. LOL! Love y’all!

Too close

This morning, fresh off being thanked in person by their king, the Supreme Court ruled 5-4 that the Trump administration has to free up $2 billion in USAID funds for services that have already been performed. So yeah, four justices were gonna let Trump fuck over people who have done work for the United States and expect to get paid for it. But still, we’ll take the win and hopefully a lawless asshole will do what the court says and release those funds.

More: HuffPost

We smell a Ratcliffe

CIA Director John Ratcliffe, a former congressman and hall of fame Trump kiss-ass, announced that in addition to withholding aid from Ukraine, we’re also going to stop sharing intel with them. It’s hard to describe what a shitty and fucked up thing this is. Our guess is Trump is hoping Putin kills Zelensky and this is one way to make that happen. Fortunately our former allies in Europe are still supporting democracy and freedom.

More: CNN

Whatever, bro

So for two hours last night, a fat-headed dipshit who is tanking the economy and getting our national anthem booed whined and bitched and moaned and lied and just sucked all around. It was an embarrassing performance that even Fox’s Brit Hume called “the most partisan” speech he had ever seen in that environment. It was basically a Trump rally in the same place where the QAnon shaman was hanging out. But as much as it sucked, remember this — Trump now owns it all. There is no blaming Biden when the economy tanks. Trump stood up there and acknowledged his tariffs will cause “a little disturbance.” He also took ownership of Elon Leon. So now Trump owns it all. Good luck, orangey.

More: HuffPost

Today’s clips

President Donald Trump is used to shocking critics with his approach to foreign policy. But his hard-line Ukraine tactics have this week unnerved some of his political allies on the far right, too. The White House this week paused aid to Ukraine, which is fighting off Russia’s invasion, after Trump and Vice President JD Vancepublicly berated President Volodymyr Zelenskyy. More: NBC

First-term Rep. Sylvester Turner, D-Texas, died Tuesday night after suffering a medical emergency, according to two House Democratic lawmakers who were informed of his death. He was 70 years old and had just taken the oath of office in January. More: NBC

Sen. Elizabeth Warren (D-Mass.) clapped back — literally — against a taunt that President Donald Trump lobbed her way during his speech before a joint session of Congress on Tuesday. More: HuffPost

ABC News is shutting down FiveThirtyEight as part of sweeping layoffs at the network as parent company Disney continues broader restructuring and looks to cut about 200 positions, or 6 percent of its workforce. More: Mediaite