RFKiller

It’s Thursday. There are 642 days until the midterm elections. Some scary kids get their hearings, RFK Jr. is a disaster and tragedy on the Potomac.

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. But only because things are pretty fucked up.

Pre-Note: Before we start cussing and mocking fascist assholes today, we want to take a second to send some love to everyone affected by the plane crash last night. Our hearts are broken for them. Please forgive us if our normal style seems a bit inappropriate today.

Note: Howdy, Sexy Patriots! We have much sad and horrible shit to discuss today. But first we want to make fun of a lying fucking idiot for lying about idiotic fucking shit. This is what we’re talking about…

What a fucking idiot! We thought this sounded like total BS so we did some digging. Turns out it wasn’t $50 million for condoms. It was one condom that cost $50 million. And it wasn’t for Gaza. It was for some dude named Gary, and he is very sensitive about his, um, condition. God forbid a mutant like Gary wants to practice some safe sex with the help of the U.S. government. Since when does this country discriminate against dudes who are hung like a blue whale?! Since the guys who are hung like fleas took over?! We see you, Gar-bear! And good for you, bro.

Now is that obviously made up and stupid? Of course! But so is what Trump said so we’re calling it even. Welcome to the dumb times. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: Someone needs to get this dumb motherfucker away from the cameras and then away from this important job. Goddamn we miss Mayor Pete.

Note three: Yesterday Trump signed an EO to make Gitmo a concentration camp for migrants. So it took about a week to get to concentration camps. But to be fair, Kamala Harris did change her position on fracking. More: NPR

Note four: It really should be a bigger deal that one of Trump’s first orders of business was to flood the streets with hundreds of violent criminals and child molesters. More: NPR

Note five: Yesterday an anti-abortion priest did the Elon Leon nazi salute. He thought it was pretty funny. And that’s fair. Because we thought it was pretty funny when he got defrocked a few hours later. More: Wood TV

Note six: Elon Leon also pushed out the FAA director last week. And he has a habit of blowing shit up. So yes, it’s more than fair to ask if he’s to blame for last night’s tragedy. More: Mother Jones

Note seven: This news about the U.S. figure skating team is almost too awful to hear. All they do is bring beauty to the world. More: ESPN

Note eight: Republicans are already trying to blame the crash on Black people and women. Even for those fuckers, this is some pretty sick shit.

Note nine: Actually everything they do is sick. Right now they’re trying to figure out how to fuck over single moms so they can give Musk and Trump another tax cut. More: ProPublica

Note 10: You don’t even want to look at the price of eggs now. We’ve started making our omelettes with mud and twine. More: ABC

Note 11: It was pretty hilarious yesterday to see the Trump White House fuck up their own shock-and-awe campaign against government funding just because of a tweet from his dumbshit press secretary. More: ABC

Note 12: The New York Times is reporting today that Democratic governors, including Tim Walz, are pushing Schumer to be tougher on Trump. It’s goddamn ridiculous that they even had to do this, but they’re right. More: NY Times [Paywall]

Note 13: What Trump is doing to trans people is pure fucking evil. Our party might be too afraid to stand up for them, but we aren’t. More: Advocate

Note 14: Three Senate Democrats voted yesterday to make a climate denier head of the EPA. Here’s a crazy idea — maybe we should stop voting to confirm people who hate us and want to destroy the planet. More: Axios

Note 15: If you’re not following the Wisconsin Supreme Court race yet, we need you to. We’ve gotta stop this deranged asshead…

Note 16: Big news in the WNBA this week as Brittney Griner was traded to the Atlanta Dream. We love this for her. And for Atlanta. More: AP News

Note 17: Remember when we said Pete Hegseth was a white supremacist? Well he’s already canceled celebrations at the Pentagon for MLK Day and removed all mentions of Black History Month. Probably just a coincidence though. More: Military Times

Note 18: Big news yesterday as we found out that Mark Zuckerberg paid yet another bribe to Trump. This one was for $25 million and it was to settle Trump’s bullshit lawsuit over being banned after Jan. 6. So welcome to the United States where bribing our piece of shit president is all out in the open. More: NPR

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we couldn’t find shit. Things are kinda bleak these days. So here’s the Peanuts gang singing Paul Simon…

Note 20: And on that much-needed note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all are making it through the week ok. And if you see Gary, be sure to say hi. You’ll know it’s him. Trust us. Love y’all!

Terrible two

While we were writing this morning, two of the worst people in U.S. history were having their confirmation hearings to become the new American gestapo. Russian asset Tulski Gabbard and Trump attack dog Kash Patel were having their confirmation hearings this morning, and it turns out that all their treasonous actions were totally fine and just made up by the media and Democrats. We’re just kidding. They’re both awful traitors, and it is fucking terrifying to think of them running the intel community and the FBI.

More: NBC

RFKiller

The brain worm asshole is back for round two of questioning today, and he’s having a very hard time answering questions about whether vaccines cause autism or whether the covid vaccine saved millions of lives. He’s also having a hard time answering whether he sexually assaulted his family babysitter. Of all the lunatic trash Trump has nominated, RFK Jr. is the most insulting and most dangerous. Republican Sen. Bill Cassidy, who is a doctor, seems genuinely horrified by this freak, and we can only hope some sanity remains in the Senate.

More: The Guardian

Devastating

Anyone who has spent anytime in politics has flown into DCA. For some of us, it almost feels like a damn second home. So last night’s tragic crash between a regional jet out of Wichita and an Army helicopter rattled us big time. Investigators said this morning they do not expect to find any survivors. It is awful, and it is absolutely fair to ask whether the Trump-Elon chaos factored in. We deserve answers, and we deserve a party that will fight to get them.

More: ABC

Today’s clips

The U.S. Department of Education’s Office for Civil Rights has opened an investigation into Denver Public Schools for "discriminating against its female students" after the district converted a women's restroom into an all-gender facility, the office announced Tuesday. More: NBC

President Donald Trump signed an executive order on Wednesday that would cancel visas and deport international students who have expressed support for Palestinians — the administration’s latest effort to both target immigrants and crack down on free speech, particularly on college campuses. More: HuffPost

A federal judge sentenced a tearful Bob Menendez to 11 years in prison Wednesday after the former U.S. senator was convicted of abusing the power of his office in exchange for bribes in the form of gold bars, a luxury car and other items. More: ABC