Russia, Russia, Russia

It’s Tuesday. There are 28 days until Election Day. The shocking Trump-Putin love affair, VP Harris calls BS on Trump’s hurricane lies and Georgia breaks our hearts.

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. And today it’s using a lot of it toward Ron DeShithead.

Note: Howdy, SEXY PATRIOTS! We went all-caps because we forgot to say it yesterday and we felt like total dicks about it. But then we remembered there are way worse dicks than us out there. We go weeks at a time without remembering that Ron DeSuckass exists. But he’s always out there. Sucking ass. And now he’s in the news because a vicious hurricane is ravaging his home state and he’s got the goddamn nerve to refuse a call from the Vice President of the United States. Sonofabitch but still go on Fox News. Thankfully, the VP straight up called his pudding-fingered ass out…

Damn right, ma’am. Selfish. And pathetic. This is the kind of thing that makes Ron such a freaking loser. He’s just incapable of doing the right thing. His every instinct is to be the opposite of cool and normal. We just assume he poops in the sink and shaves in the shitter. It’s a wonder he wasn’t wearing those pretty white boots on his head. Would you like a spoon for that pudding? Nope! Do you think it’s normal to carry a map of crap in your pocket at a debate? Totes!

Dude, just stop being such a weird goddamn asshole for like two seconds, answer the phone and be polite on behalf of the people in your state who are suffering. Is that so fucking hard? Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: As crazy as it is to believe, this thing is only four weeks away. We know shit is intense right now, so hang in there. We need your hot asses in good shape to bring this thing home, so please make sure you’re practicing self-care. We promise the chaos ain’t going anywhere.

Note three: Also, we’re sending love to everyone in Milton’s path. That sounds like a joke, but we’re totally serious. More: USA Today

Note four: This is a great catch from the folks at the Bulwark. All those Trump-loving tech bro asshats wanted Trump in jail for Jan. 6. Gosh, what happened, fellas?

Trump’s Tech Bro Fanboys Wanted Him Jailed After Jan. 6th

Note five: Trump says he does great with women and the polling is fake. Anybody wanna educate him this November?

Note six: You’re not gonna believe this but Mark Robinson hasn’t sued CNN yet. Ok fine so you will believe it. So yeah, CNN and Nude Africa were right and the Trump-backed Republican nominee for governor in North Carolina is a self-declared “Black NAZI.” Sure hope he doesn’t win. More: WUNC

Note seven: Trump is going to Coachella. Nobody seems to understand why, and we’re all eagerly waiting to hear how this is another Four Seasons Total Landscaping thing. More: KESQ

Note eight: So West Virginia is threatening some pretty serious shit. Basically their statehouse is messing around with not recognizing the winner of the election if one of their officials decides there has been fraud in another state. This seems like bad news, but think of all the money we’ll save by not having to care about West Virginia anymore. More: WOWKTV

Note nine: This post comes with a trigger warning as it features the incomparable Sally Field discussing her “horrific” illegal abortion. We’re trying to imagine the guts this took to share. More: Entertainment Weekly

Note 10: It is more than just a little fucked up that Leon Elon Musk keeps talking about someone assassinating Joe Biden and Kamala Harris. Does this weird fucker ever face any consequences?

Note 11: Melania’s book came out today. We can’t wait to not read it. We’re kidding. We’ll read it. But only because we love the way Michelle Obama writes. NO GODDAMN LINK

Note 12: Leaping Leon Elon is going to start campaigning for Trump, even holding rallies in Pennsylvania where he claims to be both a Steelers and an Eagles fan. WHAT?! Can’t that fucking dork stop dorking for like five minutes? More: Politico

Note 13: Trump said some nazi shit yesterday. So it was a day that ends in -y. More: CNN

Note 14: The Supreme Court lowkey let that crazy fucked up Alabama Supreme Court IVF ruling just kinda be yesterday and it definitely should have been bigger news. We’re not lawyers, but that sure looks shady as shit to us. More: AL.com

Note 15: We know y’all know this but there are A LOT of shitty scummy candidates out there who aren’t Trump or Jolly Dimpledick (JD) Vance. We should beat their asses this November too.

Note 16: Wisconsin Senate candidate Eric Hovde actually wrote and published an op-ed calling for Obamacare to be repealed. We’re not kidding when we tell you we kept checking the date to see if it was from this decade. What a fucking moron. This race was just moved to a toss-up. Obviously we need to win it. More: JS Online

Note 17: Thanks to Sen. Sheldon Whitehouse who kept investigating and today published a report that revealed Trump lied when he said the FBI had free reign to investigate Brett Kavanaugh for sexual assault. It was a lie. It was a “sham.” More: Washington Post

Note 18: Tim Walz did great on Kimmel last night. It’s nice to see him bringing back the “weird” attack line. We know it drives Trump insane(r). More: Independent

Note 19: And for today’s Happy Ending, VP Harris absolutely crushed it on 60 Minutes even though the interview was a joke and Trump refused to do one. If you want to be thought of as a serious interviewer, maybe ask about abortion before you ask the VP if she really has a gun. JFC. Also, she really has a gun so don’t fuck with her…

Note 20: And on that sorta happy note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all are having a great week. And if the Vice President of the United States calls you, we know you’ll answer. Because you’re not a weird asshole. Love y’all!

Russia, Russia, Russia

So for years we’ve been told we failed to connect Trump to Putin and it was all part of our Trump Derangement Syndrome. Well not today, Satan. Today multiple outlets are reporting that Bob Woodward’s new book reveals that Trump has spoken to Putin at least seven times since he left office, including at least once where he asked an aide to leave the room so he could speak to Putin alone. We also learned that while Americans were dying and supplies were short, Trump sent COVID tests to Putin, who was so worried about Trump’s politics that he cautioned the American president to keep the gift secret. THIS IS SO FUCKED UP!!! It should be the October surprise, but we’ll see how quickly the press moves on.

More: CNN

Call him out!

Vice President Kamala Harris isn’t here for Trump’s dangerous bullshit. While Trump continues to lie about the federal government’s response to Helene, VP Harris visited North Carolina again on Monday and then took a moment to call out her dipshit opponent. She called out Trump for the “extraordinarily irresponsible” disinformation he’s putting out there. The VP then took that clip of her talking to the press and threw it up on social media with ways for people affected by the storm to contact FEMA. Trump went on Fox.

More: NBC

We have to win

Last week, a judge in Georgia said the state’s six-week abortion ban was unconstitutional because women aren’t livestock. On Monday, the state’s Supreme Court overruled that decision and made abortion basically illegal again. Goddamnit. There’s only one way out of this mess and that’s to force change one vote and one election at a time. It’s nothing short of outrageous that we have to do this, but we’re about to show them they pissed off the wrong people.

More: NBC

Today’s clips

Vice President Harris on Tuesday will lay out a new proposal to expand Medicare coverage to help cover the costs of home health care aides for seniors. More: NPR

President Joe Biden has postponed his overseas trip this week due to Hurricane Milton, according to two sources familiar with the planning. More: NBC

Foreign adversaries will try to shake Americans’ confidence in the legitimacy of election results in November by giving voice to false claims or spreading their own disinformation about ballot counting, U.S. intelligence officials said Tuesday. More: NBC