Selling out Ukraine

It’s Monday. There are 624 days until the midterm elections. Selling out Ukraine, some racist new education policies and Trump goes full fascist.

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. But only because everything is going to shit.

Note: Howdy, Sexy Patriots, and Happy Fuck the President Day! We might have the actual name of the holiday wrong, but that’s what we’re going with. We have much to catch up on after another weekend of chaos and dumbshittery, but first we want to not congratulate Elon Leon Musk on having yet another kid who will grow up to hate his guts…

Gross. Between tweeting 400 times a day and robbing the American people blind, it’s amazing Leon has the time to tell his assistant to put some of his dork juice in a test tube and send it to women he’s probably never met. But it sure is romantic. If you’re like us, you’ve been wondering what it’s like to be one of the super-virgin super-villain's 78 kids. So here’s a (fake) interview with ChodeChud14, Elon’s ninth kid…

TBS: Hey there, ChodeChud14!

ChodeChud14: Hey guys! Love the newsletter!

TBS: Wow. Thanks. But we’re surprised to hear that. We figured this thing would be outlawed at your compound.

CC14: Oh it is. Just like hugging and reading about the accomplishments of Black people. But I sneak it in between my daily required porn reading.

TBS: Yikes. It sounds like you have a very weird childhood.

CC14: Not really. I code 20 hours a day, get my meals from a robot mom and beat myself with a small broom every day just like most kids. I even met my dad once! All I had to do was buy one of Kanye’s t-shirts.

TBS: Dude, that does not sound normal. Do you need help?

CC14: No thank you. When we get to Mars, I know I’ll get my eternal reward and probably cancer from all the radiation.

It sure doesn’t sound like fun being one of Elon Leon’s kids. And we sure as shit ain’t calling him daddy. Maybe we should be making a bigger deal of the fact that a weirdo freak is ransacking our government. Just an idea. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: Btw there apparently is some real drama going on about whether Elon Leon is gonna support this latest child. Who’da thunk it? More: US Magazine

Note three: Do you know where our nukes are and how to keep them safe? If so, the federal government will probably hire you. They accidentally fired the last people with that job and can’t seem to find them to hire them back. We wish we were joking. More: Associated Press

Note four: Sam Norquist was a trans man who was tortured for a month by five people and then murdered. If we’re the kind of country that’s ok with this shit, then we’re not the kind of country worth saving. RIP, Sam. More: CNN

Note five: Thank you to everyone who protested at Tesla dealerships this weekend. And while we don’t condone it (wink, wink), it sure is interesting to see people vandalizing Elon Leon’s fugly fake trucks.

Note six: Just a giant FUCK YOU to chickenshit Jeff Bezos and the cowards at the Washington Post who accepted and then refused to run an ad criticizing Elon Leon Musk. What a goddamn disgrace. More: The Hill

Note seven: Oh and by the way Leon Elon and his gang of racist tweens now have access to all of our tax data. So that’s fun. More: ABC News

Note eight: Today our European allies are having an emergency meeting to discuss how to keep their continent secure without U.S. help. Because we’re on the side of Russia and Nazis now. Congrats, America. More: NBC News

Note nine: Trump is asking the Supreme Court to let him fire inspectors general on a whim even though that’s against the law. We’re gonna find out just how much they’ll let him get away with. We’re guessing it’s a lot. More: BBC

Note 10: We’re sending love to the families of those who died in Kentucky this weekend. Trump might not know about it because he was busy goofing off at the Daytona 500.

Note 11: Elon Leon and DOGEshit are taking over FAA safety. So we’re gonna be doing a lot of long drives. More: Reuters

Note 12: Oh but they’re still firing the people who work at the FAA now. So they’re obviously geniuses. More: Associated Press

Note 13: It’s President’s Day. Does anyone give a shit?

Note 14: It’s probably time to stop spending money with Airbnb since the co-founder is a total d-bag who wants to help Elon Leon fuck us all over. More: The Independent

Note 15: It is to our eternal shame that we are abandoning this brave man and his country…

Note 16: Bill Cassidy is very upset Louisiana is getting rid of vaccinations. Wait until he hears about the guy he just voted to confirm as HHS secretary. More: The Guardian

Note 17: Good for Sheryl Crow for selling her Tesla. If anyone knows her, we’re offering a carpool. More: KTLA

Note 18: Elon Leon said last night that Hitler was big into censorship and then he called for everyone at 60 Minutes to go to prison. Ketamine is a helluva drug. More: The Daily Beast

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we want to wish a Happy Birthday to Saturday Night Live. Even though we’re still pissed they let Trump host a few years back, there is no doubt how much the show has meant to us and we freaking loved last night’s special. Especially this part…

Note 20: And on that hilarious note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all had a lovely weekend. We also hope you’re not one of Leon’s kids. Because that would really suck. Love y’all!

Shame on us
Trump is moving ahead with negotiations with Russia and the Saudis over the future of Ukraine while leaving Ukraine and Europe out of the conversation. Yes, that is extremely fucked up. It’s the same thing he did in Afghanistan. He negotiated directly with the Taliban while cutting out our allies. And how has that worked out? This comes as House Republicans approached Zelensky last week to try and force him to sign over half of the country’s raw minerals to the U.S. in exchange for the aid we’ve provided. So yeah, the U.S. is just a shameful shakedown country now. It’s pretty fucking shameful. More: CNN, NBC News

Segregation forever
Over the weekend, the Department of Education issued an edict to all schools and universities telling them shut down any and all DEI by the end of the month or they will lose federal funding. It seems from the language that this could include clubs like the Black Student Union. This would also seem to target scholarships and financial aid that benefit minority students. It’s really upsetting and unclear and schools have two weeks to figure it out. We’re starting to think it was a mistake to put mega-racists in charge of everything. More: CNN

Well this is fucked up
We’ve been saying for a very long time that Trump wants to be a dictator. He’s been saying it too. And this weekend he made it pretty fucking clear that he doesn’t think laws apply to him anymore. In a social media post, Trump, trying to sound fancy and smart and quoting Napoleon, wrote: “He who saves his Country does not violate any Law.” John Roberts paved the way for that chilling fascist shit. So good job, Johnny. More: ABC News

Today’s clips
New York City Mayor Eric Adams met Sunday with at least three deputy mayors who have expressed their intention to resign from his administration. More: NBC NY

Vice President JD Vance on Sunday defended his controversial speech from last week, during which he said the biggest threat facing Europe wasn’t from U.S. adversaries like Russia and China, but “from within.” More: Huff Post

Tom Homan, President Donald Trump’s border czar, on Sunday denied that the Justice Department’s order to drop the corruption charges against New York City Mayor Eric Adams was part of a “quid pro quo” arrangement to force the Democrat to go along with the administration’s wishes, in a new interview with CNN’s “State of the Union.” More: Huff Post

Ken Martin, the newly installed chair of the Democratic National Committee, is kicking off his first major trip as party leader in an effort for the organization to “get out of D.C.” More: NBC News

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