Shouldn’t this be a scandal?
It’s Tuesday. There are 623 days until the midterm elections. Taking a lesson from AOC, Eric Adams ain’t out of the woods yet and Trump’s sex trafficker friends.
Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. We’d look like idiots saying everything is totally fudged up.
Note: Well, Sexy Patriots, the suspense is over. It turns out there are in fact adverse consequences to electing as president someone who’s dumber than a bit-off buttcheek. For example, a month ago flying was fun and now it’s fucking terrifying and possibly deadly…
WTF?! You know how many planes were upside down when that Brandon guy was president? That same number of testicles Jelly Donut (JD) Vance has. That’s right! Zero! We wanted to get to the bottom of what’s going on so we spoke with an air traffic controller…
TBS: Hey, guy!
Air traffic controller: Hey dudes! Love the newslettHOLY FUCKING SHIT THERE GOES ANOTHER ONE!
TBS: Another plane?!
ATC: Yep! We can’t stop Elon from shooting them down.
TBS: What?! Is that what’s happening?
ATC: Naw. But he’s fired so many of us he might as well be. It’s like he wants to take over for gravity and booze.
TBS: Ok well this is all very upsetting, but we’re glad you’re there.
ATC: Actually I just got fired. Guess I’ll get back into nudHOLY BALLS OF HELL ANOTHER ONE JUST WENT DOWN!
We don’t know about y’all, but we really want to know what he was about to say. Also, wouldn’t it be great if the assheads running this country stopped fucking things up so royally? Maybe we should oppose them or something. Y’all have a blessed day.
Note two: A lot of folks are wondering what they can do to fight back against the madness. Aside from cussing out the scum, you can also help us win this vital Supreme Court seat in Wisconsin. Elon Leon has already opened up his velcro wallet to try and buy another election. Let’s stop his nerd ass this time. More: WPR
Note three: That cold weather out there is no joke. Please be safe. And if you’re shoveling your driveway, remember to push the snow instead of lifting it. We don’t need any heart attacks. More: Accu Weather
Note four: Has Trump said anything about all the people who died in Kentucky this weekend? Or does he just not give a fuck now that he has their votes? More: WDRB
Note five: Thank goodness the Bluegrass State has a real leader with an actual heart right now…
Note six: Trump and Elon’s (Elump’s?) war on America has hit the national parks. So we hope you weren’t planning to visit any this summer. Can you imagine CNN right now if Biden had done this shit? More: USA Today
Note seven: Need some hope? Well check out these students whose play was censored so they wrote another play mocking the censors and brought down the fucking house. This is the way. More: KQED
Note eight: Mexico is threatening to sue over this Gulf of Dumb Shit stuff. It’s so weird to be rooting for Mexico and Canada, but here we are. More: Associated Press
Note nine: Liddle Marco Rubio is meeting in Saudi Arabia to negotiate with Russia today. Ukraine wasn’t invited. Doesn’t that really say it all? The truth is Marco, Trump and Leon have already given away the store, and they’re ready to fuck Ukraine all the way over. Shame on us. More: Associated Press
Note 10: Thank you to everyone who took to the streets yesterday in protest. Let’s hope the people we elected were listening.
Note 11: The top Social Security official left her position after Elon Leon wanted access to all of our personal Social Security data. Leon is just gonna put our money in his pocket, ain’t he? More: Yahoo News
Note 12: The FDA fired the people who were reviewing Elon Leon’s brain chip. So what was already a really stupid idea just got a whole lot more dangerous. Where do we sign up? More: Reuters
Note 13: Props to Mehdi Hassan for calling out Jiffypop Dickmouth (JD) Vance for his free speech bullshit.
Note 14: Trump wants a Stop the Steal nutjob to be the full-time DC U.S. attorney. He’s going to ruin a lot of lives and lose a lot of cases. So he’s perfect for Trump. More: The Hill
Note 15: If Joan Baez is still out there doing this shit, then the rest of us have no excuse.
Note 16: How serious is the New York Times taking the endless scandals and suffering? By writing stupid stories about Trump’s goal of invading and annexing Canada. Hey, Peter Baker, pretend we’re a dictator and kiss our asses! NO LINK ON PURPOSE
Note 17: Yesterday Mayor Eric Adams said that his prosecution was a “modern day Mein Kampf.” We have no idea what his dumb ass meant, but we’re sure offended by it. More: NY Post
Note 18: This is a fun one. Louisian’s surgeon general just ended all state vaccine stuff. He also lied about being a family doctor and appears to be a veterinarian. Stay healthy, Louisiana! More: WWNO
Note 19: We thought this was worth a share!
Note 20: For today’s Happy Ending, we’re happy to share the news that Leonard Peltier finally walked out of prison this morning. As Marcy Wheeler pointed out, it’s pretty fucked up the Jan. 6 scum got out first, but Peltier is going home and that is a good thing. More: NBC News
Note 21: And on that long overdue note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all are having a lovely week. And if you’re flying anywhere, take a parachute. Love y’all!
AOC how it’s done
We haven’t been shy about calling out our Democrats who seem to have lost their voices since Trump got in office and started fucking things up. So we need to give credit where it’s due, and right now that credit goes to AOC. Over the last several days, ICE dipshit Tom Homan has been going on right-wing television and calling for AOC to be investigated and arrested for telling people their constitutional rights. Her response? To hit him harder. If she’s afraid of his fatheaded ass, she sure ain’t showing it. It’s inspiring and makes us want to fight harder. Thank you to AOC for not backing down from this shit. More: New Republic
Lock him up
New York City Mayor Eric Adams, who entered a quid pro quo with the Trump administration to get out of corruption charges, ain’t out of the woods just yet. After four of Adams’s deputy mayors quit, Gov. Kathy Hochul said she will meet with city leaders to discuss next steps. And those next steps better involve her kicking his ass to the curb. Oh and since this shit was super illegal, Judge Dale Ho, who is overseeing the case, is ordering a hearing tomorrow with Adams and the DOJ scum who made this crooked deal. More: CNN, NBC News
Shouldn’t this be a scandal?|
Trump has already pardoned some child porn dirtbags, and now he’s going for big-time international sex-traffickers. Yeah, apparently the Trump administration is trying to get super racist super criminal Andrew Tate and his brother freed from Romania, where they’re being investigated for sex-trafficking and rape. They are also accused of rape and trafficking in the United Kingdom. So yeah, these are exactly Trump’s kind of people. Can you imagine if Biden… nevermind. Independent
Today’s clips
President Donald Trump’s billionaire ally Elon Musk is not actually in charge of the so-called Department of Government Efficiency, according to a Monday court filing, raising more questions about the operation that has wreaked havoc across the federal government. More: Huff Post
Julianne Moore recently shared that she is “stunned” to learn that President Donald Trump’s conservative administration has “banned” her 2007 children’s book, “Freckleface Strawberry,” from schools around the world that are operated by the Department of Defense Education Activity, or DoDEA. More: Huff Post
A federal judge in Washington, D.C., on Monday hinted she might not throw up immediate roadblocks to Elon Musk's infiltration of the nation's government agencies, where he and his team have accessed sensitive data and enacted a flurry of firings. More: NBC News
Thanks for the Wisconsin shoutout. On April 1st we *will* elect Judge Susan Crawford to the Wisconsin Supreme Court. This is an election vital not only to Wisconsin but also to the rest of the country. Don't think so? Then why is Leon Elon pouring so much money into the race for her opponent? Yeah, that's why.
WTF judge Chutkan? By the time they access all of this sensitive information, it will be too late (and probably already is). You're not supposed to wait for an actual crime to be committed - they are trying to prevent a significant crime from occurring.