Surrender monkey

It’s Wednesday. There are 559 days until the midterm elections. Democrats call out Big Law losers, Tesla ain’t doing so hot and Trump concedes to Jerome Powell and China (and reality).

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. But at least its profits aren’t down 71 percent because it does dumb nazi shit.

Note: Sexy Patriots! It’s so great to see you today. And don’t worry — today we’re bringing good news. No, Trump and Elon didn’t get a visit from the Grim Vancer (the Grim JDer?) but it’s still good news. We’ve decided to die for your sins. Yeah, we’re like Jesus without the abs. You’re welcome.

So what the hell are we talking about? Well basically we’re offering to make a deal with RFK Jr. where he can kill us in any kind of weird, fucked up way he wants to. Want to decapitate us like a dead whale? Fine. What to leave us in a park like a dead bear? Cool beans. Want to shoot us full of heroin and skittles to see if it will cure chronic masturbation. Freaking awesome. And all he has to do in exchange is STOP CREEPING US THE FUCK OUT WITH WEIRD SHIT LIKE THIS…

YIIIIIIKES!!! WHAT THE EFFING FUCK IS THAT?! KEEP THAT MAN AWAY FROM THE NATION’S TEENAGE BOYS!!! (Hey, QAnon people, there’s some weird asshole on television talking about boys’ sperm. Y’all might want to get on that.) So yeah basically it seems pretty obvious that this shit-for-brains freak is gonna kill us all one way or another, so we figured we’d offer to go first if he just promises to stop grossing us all out. We’re at the point where actual serial killers are begging this motherfucker to stop being so damn weird.

So that’s the deal. We’re sacrificing ourselves for the greater good. We’re down for whatever bizarre and crazy shit that lunatic can come up with. Have at us, Brain Worm Bobby. We’ll inject bleach, livestock medicine and whichever steroids finished off your brain. Just please shut the fuck up before we all puke. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: Judge Paula Xinis is sick of Trump’s bullshit when it comes to Kilmar Garcia. We are too. More: HuffPost

Note three: Reuters has Trump’s approval rating on the economy dropping like a rock to 37 percent. That’s a record low for him (h/t Matt McDermott). Yeah, America probably shouldn’t have elected the guy with the Herbert Hoover jobs record who made it impossible to get toilet paper. More: Reuters

Note four: Some really, really terrible news as rich human garbage Shari Redstone has run off Bill Owens, longtime executive producer of 60 Minutes. Redstone has been trying to force Owens and 60 Minutes to apologize to Trump even though they didn’t do a goddamn thing wrong. The reality is Shari is trying to sell CBS and she doesn’t have a soul. More: CNN

Note five: To that end, here’s how the CBS anchors signed off last night. RIP American free press.

Note six: Trump is trying to force Ukraine to surrender to Russia and Ukraine is saying fuck that noise. More: NBC News

Note seven: The bigots on the Supreme Court hate gay people and are about to hurt them. What a gross country we can be. More: NBC News

Note eight: We haven’t thought about Ron DeSantis in a long time and it’s been wonderful. But it looks like he stole from Floridians to help his wife do some political shit. That should be a scandal. Even in Florida. More: The Hill

Note nine: Remember that little freak Tim Pool who took money from Russian propagandists? Well he got the first question at the White House briefing yesterday. So things are going great. More: Mediaite

Note 10: Yikes. How the hell is this number worse now than it was during covid and the ‘08 financial collapse?!

Note 11: We didn’t think we could hate the brain worm shithead anymore than we already did. And then we saw that he’s going to get rid of services for LGBTQ youth who call 988, the suicide hotline. He really does want to kill lots and lots of people. More: Mother Jones

Note 12: We almost missed this totally fucked up story. Kilmar Garcia’s wife has had to flee to a safe house because the U.S. government published her fucking address. As per usual, we are unable to say if this was the result of cruelty or incompetence. More: Mediaite

Note 13: We’ve got some bad news. Jellomold Dongmouth (JD) Vance is back in America. Mothers, lock up your couches. (Btw, we saw in the comments that someone called him Justkilled Dapope and we were so fucking mad we didn’t think of that. Brilliant.)

Note 14: We’re still cautiously optimistic that Republicans won’t steal a Supreme Court seat in North Carolina. But maybe we’re just stupid. More: WRAL

Note 15: Does this guy remind anyone else of Mongo from Blazing Saddles? Ya know, without the poignant observations about life and the ability to knock out a horse.

Note 16: Politico is reporting that Pete Hegseth likes to describe the shits he takes. He apparently does this in high-level meetings. If only someone would flush that turd. More: Politico

Note 17: Trump finally called Gov. Josh Shapiro and they had a nice talk. Maybe we were wrong about Trump. Just kidding. He sucks the big one. More: HuffPost

Note 18: Senate Democrats are gonna try like hell to stop a Jan. 6 scumbag from getting confirmed as U.S. attorney for D.C. We’re gonna need them to go to war over this one. More: CBS News

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we take you to New York where George Santos is probably getting sentenced to prison this week. Do you have any idea how much you have to suck for Trump’s DOJ to want you in prison for corruption? Yikes. Oh well. Have fun in the clink, whatever your name is. More: HuffPost

Note 20: And on that petty note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all are having a good week. And we hope you’ll miss us after RFK Jr. hooks a car battery up to our junk and kills us. Tell the world we died so that normal people could live. Love y’all!

Git ‘em
You know how those big law firms sold out and agreed to kiss Trump’s ass by giving him hundreds of millions of dollars of free legal work. Well Democrats are calling them out. Rep. Jamie Raskin and Sen. Richard Blumenthal sent a letter to the chickenshit firms, demanding answers and calling them out for being gutless cowards. We’d encourage you to read the story because it’s pretty damn satisfying. Why the hell would anyone with money ever hire these firms ever again? More: HuffPost

Tesla burst into flames
Elon Leon Melvin Musk’s car company ain’t doing so great. It turns out that Americans don’t like buying shit from weirdo nazi fuckheads. Tesla had its earnings report yesterday and profits have fallen 71 percent. Ouch. The report was so bad that a sad Elon Leon got on the call and said he’s be leaving the White House in May. However, he also said he might be able to spend one or two days a week helping Trump, so we’re calling bullshit. He also lied and said people protesting Tesla were either paid or receiving federal funds that DOGE cut off. The bottom line is he is super sad and he sucks and we’re really enjoying his pain. More: NPR

Surrender!
We’re gonna need to keep a list of all the people and places Trump is surrendering to. The stock market is having a better morning after Trump made clear in the Oval Office yesterday that he is too scared to fire Jerome Powell and he is surrendering to China. Yeah, Mr. Tough Guy is now saying he has no intention of firing Powell (which would be illegal) and that he won’t play hardball with China. The inescapable reality is that Trump is a moron who damn near destroyed the whole global economy (and still might have wrecked America’s) and even his dumb ass had to accept that. It’s a victory for those of us who are still living outside of a Fox News fever dream. More: CNN, NBC News

Today’s clips
An immigration judge has found the U.S. government’s initial deportation case against Kseniia Petrova, a Russian-born Harvard scientist held in ICE detention, to be legally deficient, her attorney said, raising questions about whether the case can move forward. More: NBC News

It looks like President Donald Trump is exempting two colleges from his bitter battle with higher education More: HuffPost

President Donald Trump “got a scare” from CEOs of the nation’s largest big box retailers that their shelves could soon be empty as a result of his draconian tariff policy announced on April 2, according to a report from Axios. As a result, the White House appears to be pivoting to a much softer position on trade. More: Mediaite

Rep. Mike Lawler (R-N.Y.) rebuked Sen. Ron Johnson (R-Wis.) on Tuesday evening for “peddling conspiracy theories” about the 9/11 attacks. More: The Hill

A Tennessee congresswoman is under scrutiny after making remarks about a Black representative and the LGBTQ+ community during an appearance on a podcast. More: WBIR

The latest from Adam