The anti-jobs president

It’s Thursday. There are 579 days until the midterm elections. Elon’s evaporation, Vance is a psycho and the anti-jobs president.

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. But only because it likes freedom and buying food and shit.

Note: Howdy, Sexy Patriots! How are you today? Yeah, us too. It’s not every day that you watch a gameshow host take a bazooka to the global economy. We saw James Fallows say Trump just did the economic equivalent of the Iraq War and that sounds about right to us. Except even during the Iraq War we didn’t fuck with penguins…

That stupid sonofa… Y’all, how is it possible that something this idiotic and this destructive can happen in this day and age? Are we not smarter than this? Don’t answer that. Anyway, we wanted to get to the bottom of this so we interviewed a penguin from one of those uninhabited islands…

Us: Hey Penguin!

Penguin: Hey guys! Love the newsletter. You can call me Pablo.

Us: Awesome! Nice to meet you, Pablo Penguin. So what do you make of Trump’s tariffs?

Pablo Penguin: What’s that guy’s fucking problem? Like how dumb can a person be? This is like trying to fuck a polar bear. All that happens is you get eaten and then shat out.

Us: Seems like a fair comparison. So will tariffs hurt your country?

Pablo: No. We’re penguins.

Us: Oh. Yeah. That makes sense.

Pablo: See how fucking stupid this is?

Us: Yes. Yes, we do. Take it easy, Pablo.

Oof. It’s damn embarrassing getting called out by a goddamn penguin like that, but that’s where we are. Thanks, Trump. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: Oh by the way, we are definitely fucking up those penguins, but guess who got a pass? Russia, Belarus, North Korea and Cuba. How nice for them. More: Axios

Note three: Kamala Harris warned us about all of this. ALL OF THIS.

Note four: Want a laugh this morning? Elon Leon Musk is sharing Alex Jones clips claiming that Wisconsin was rigged. Yeah, we’re so good at rigging elections that we made Leon lose by 10 points. LOL! Cope, nerd! More: The Independent

Note five: Yeah, we probably shouldn’t have elected the out-of-touch moron who just found out what groceries are…

Note six: Remember how proud we were of Senate Democrats yesterday? Well we’re putting that on hold until someone puts a hold on Harmeet Dhillon, someone who has zero goddamn business anywhere near the Justice Department. More: HuffPost

Note seven: The New York Times is reporting this morning that total whacko nutjob Laura Loomer got a meeting with the president in the Oval Office yesterday and spent 30 minutes telling Trump to fire the national security apparatus. We’re in good hands, y’all. More: The New York Times

Note eight: You wanna know how stupid the attacks on Canada are? Mitch McConnell and Rand Paul both voted to stop them. If even those soulless shitheads are alarmed, then everyone should be. More: The Hill

Note nine: Some good news for the Democratic Party as New York City Mayor Eric Adams is running as an independent. The whole race is a disaster, but at least we don’t have to claim that asshole anymore. More: KLAS

Note 10: It really sucks that we have to share this with you, but this price tracker might help you keep an eye on what’s getting really fucking expensive because of our dumbshit president…

Note 11: You ever see Neal Katyal on MSNBC pretending to be a liberal? Well his firm caved and bribed Trump yesterday. More: The Hill

Note 12: Wanna hear something really really fucked up? After setting off a bomb in the global economy, Trump is heading off to Florida to host a Saudi golf tournament. Can you imagine if Obama oh nevermind. More: MeidasTouch News

Note 13: Lindsey Graham unveiled his budget plan yesterday, and it’s full of gimmicks to make it seem like Republicans aren’t adding to the debt by giving more tax cuts to rich assholes. Expect them to move this quickly. Because everything is stupid. More: The Hill

Note 14: Trump said recently that he’s going to be “the fertilization president.” Putting aside for a second how creepy and gross that is, his administration just “gutted” the CDC’s IVF team. More: NBC

Note 15: Is this good?

Note 16: Applause for Jasmine Crockett who pushed back against Bullshit Bondi’s bullshit yesterday. More: HuffPost

Note 17: Congratulations to USC star basketball player JuJu Watkins on winning National Player of the Year. We’re still crushed she got hurt. More: Yahoo Sports

Note 18: We had a new COVID vaccine coming. And then the idiots fucked it up. More: CNN

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, well, we don’t have shit. But we did laugh our asses off that Newsmax was who rang the opening bell today. Brilliant.

Note 20: And on that funny-but-not-funny note, let’s go do some news! We know things are a goddamn mess right now, but please keep your heads up. Remember Wisconsin. And remember that we will have the chance to make these dumb motherfuckers pay for this dumb shit. Love y’all!

Where’s Waldork?

After being everywhere for the first few months of the new Trump administration, Elon Leon Melvin Musk went missing yesterday, the day after Wisconsin voters told him to eat shit. Many users on social media noticed that Musk was missing from Trump’s Rose Garden destroy-the-economy announcement. And earlier in the day, Trump leaked to Politico that Leon would soon be leaving the administration. That bullshit news helped stop the skid of Tesla stock. It took way longer than it should have, but maybe even the dumbest people alive are learning that it’s stupid politics to have a chainsaw-wielding billionaire South African fucking with veterans and social security.

More: AP News

The couches could do better

Jarring Doofus (JD) Vance is an actual psycho lunatic. Vance was on Fox News this morning explaining that it was ok for the United States to mistakenly abduct an innocent man and send him to a concentration camp in El Salvador. Vance went with the he’s-no-angel routine Republicans usually roll out when an unarmed Black person is shot by the cops. The guy who makes excuses for racists attacking his own kids even went as far as to say that the man wasn’t “father of the year.” Meanwhile NBC has a story about how one of the man’s kids is smelling his dad’s clothes because he misses him so much. What a gross and evil country we can be.

More: NBC

Where are the jobs?

Remember how Joe Biden gave us 50 straight months of job growth and record low unemployment? Well that shit is over. This morning we learned that March saw 275,240 layoffs in the U.S. because of Elon’s bullshit. These are the most layoffs we’ve seen since the pandemic, and they all came before Trump blew up the economy. Now that he’s announced his idiotic tariffs, more job losses are coming fast. This morning, car-maker Stellantis announced it is laying off 900 workers. And Whirlpool in Iowa is letting go one-third of their employees. But hey, at least pronouns and woke or something. It didn’t have to be like this, America.

More: CNBC, FOX 9 Minneapolis-St. Paul, KCCI

Today’s clips

U.S. stocks plunged at the opening bell Thursday after President Donald Trump rocked global markets by announcing tariffs on almost all imports into the country. More: NBC

“In the long run, we’re all dead,” Sen. John Kennedy (R-Louisiana) told CNN’s chief congressional correspondent Manu Raju for The Lead With Jake Tapper. “Short run matters too. Nobody knows what the impact of these tariffs is going to be on the economy.” More: Mediaite

Transportation Secretary Sean Duffy’s daughter, Evita Duffy-Alfonso, laid into the effort for proxy voting led by Florida Republican Rep. Anna Paulina Luna after the House tanked a procedural rule on Tuesday. More: The Hill