The Great Trump Recession

It’s Monday. There are 603 days until the midterms. Now we’re fighting with Poland, the White House starts disappearing people and the Trump recession.

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. Even in this economy.

Note: Hey there, Sexy Patriots! It’s so great to see you! We hope you had a good weekend. And if you had a bad weekend, we hope it’s not because of some bullshit you totally made up like our gutless, lying, limp-peened vice president. If you didn’t see the news, Justabig Dramaqueen (JD) Vance once again came upon some protesters who don’t like the way he sold out Ukraine to kiss KGB ass. And then he went on twitter and lied about how scary and mean they were to him and his kid…

That lying sonofabitch. Where to begin. First, it sure is noteworthy that Vance turns into a debate club coward when nazis launch racist attacks against his family, but this weak shit was apparently worse than 9/11. Second, someone tell this clueless motherfucker what the kids in Ukraine have been going through thanks to his grandaddy Putin. Third, why is our vice president making up shit like he’s on Real Housewives of the Fourth Reich? He’s flopping like a European soccer player and crying like Elon Leon is giving him a purple nurple.

It’s pretty disgraceful that we have a vice president who just makes shit up and uses his kid for sympathy. Or put another way, Just Dishonest (JD) Vance is a goddamn liar. But we already knew that. The couch told us. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: Btw, couch boy has a cousin who fought in Ukraine who says Vance and Trump are total losers who are getting cucked by Putin. Ok so he didn’t put it quite that way… More: Guardian

Note three: Trump reposted an article this weekend telling us all to “shut up” about egg prices. We thought about it and we decided not to shut up. Instead we’re gonna keep cussing out the fucking moron who is destroying the economy and making it impossible to get a fucking omelette. Can you imagine if Biden had done this shit? More: Meidas

Note four: Our corrupt and broken Supreme Court is gonna make it ok to torture gay kids again. These people are so sick. More: HuffPost

Note five: We’re really digging Trudeau’s replacement. Can he lead our country too?

Note six: Speaking of our neighbors to the North, a Canadian senator is challenging Don Jr. to a boxing match. We’ve never wanted to see anything more. Get in the ring, junior! More: HuffPost

Note seven: Did you remember to Spring forward? Yeah, we tried moving our clocks ahead four years and it didn’t work.

Note eight: They’re really doing it. They’re really gonna let that brain worm idiot try and prove that vaccines cause autism. This is when we find out if Americans are simply too stupid to live. More: NBC

Note nine: Twitter was down this morning. We’re excited for when that happens to the FAA and Social Security. More: Variety

Note 10: We’d like to thank everyone who has been showing up for the Tesla Takedown. It’s working, y’all. Tesla sales have been tanking and Elon is so mad he has his mommy fighting back for him. What a fucking loser! LOL!

Note 11: Republicans might shut down the government this week. They tried to bring Democrats along by offering a “clean” extension of funding until later this year, but the clean part is a lie. So Democrats are, so far, holding the line. More: NOTUS

Note 12: Thank you to Sen. Mark Kelly who just returned from Ukraine. Unlike our vice president, Kelly doesn't piss himself at the thought of actually visiting the war-torn country. More: KYMA

Note 13: Utah is banning fluoride. So the people of Utah are about to have some jacked up teeth. Morons. More: AP News

Note 14: The Trump administration has decided it’s fine to molest kids as long as they’re migrant kids. Even for these heartless ghouls, this is insanely fucked up. More: Bloomberg Law

Note 15: Yesterday Ro Khanna went on Fox News and trashed Rep. Al Green. With Democrats like Ro, who needs Republicans?

Note 16: Just when you think Marco Rubio can’t get more pathetic, CNN has a story about how Liddle is being forced to work with someone who tweeted nasty things about him. So things are awful, but at least Rubio is miserable. More: CNN

Note 17: Wisconsin, we need you to elect this woman. Right now it’s the best way to tell Elon Leon to fuck off and eat shit.

Note 18: This weekend marked the 60th anniversary of Bloody Sunday in Selma. You won’t be surprised to hear that Trump didn’t attend or really seem to give a shit at all. More: AP News

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we saw this joke on social media and thought y’all would get a kick out of it. Especially since we don’t have to explain it to you…

Note 20: And on that knee-slapping note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all had a lovely weekend. Especially if it involved taking a dumb on cybertruck. Love y’all!

Respected again

We found out late last week that Elon Leon and Marco Rubio have been fighting. In fact, Elon Leon is fighting with everyone. Probably because he’s a weird asshole. But the two seem to have made up just in time to start attacking our Polish allies. After Leon threatened to cut off Starlink for Ukraine (again), the Polish defense minister called out the unreliable ally, leading a possibly drugged out Elon to respond “be quiet, small man.” Yeah, this is apparently U.S. diplomacy now. We’re embarrassed by it too.

More: The Independent

This seems bad

Over the weekend, ICE arrested and disappeared a guy who led the pro-Palestinian protests at Columbia University. Until this morning, nobody — including his eight-months pregnant U.S. citizen wife — knew where he was. Turns out, he was flown to a prison in Louisiana. There is a lot to discuss about the protests that went down on campuses last spring. No Jewish kid should ever feel unsafe going to class, and threats of violence are not ok. Ever. But it’s also pretty not ok that the U.S. government will disappear people who protest things they don’t like. What makes this even more fucked up is that it’s happening right after we found out that Trump’s people are directly negotiating with Hamas. In fact, yesterday Trump’s Middle East envoy said that Hamas are “pretty nice guys.” Fucking seriously?! So when does the envoy get disappeared?

More: Daily Beast

Here it comes

The stock market is having a very bad day. That’s probably because the president of the United States is an unstoppable dumbshit who refused to rule out a recession during an interview with Fox News this weekend. Yeah, Team Trump is now making excuses for higher prices and fewer jobs after spending the campaign promising to lower prices on day one. So apparently Trump is going to destroy the economy to save it now. Between that and telling us to shut up about eggs, this should be quite the scandal. Or it would be if Biden did it.

More: CNN

Today’s clips

As U.S. and Ukrainian officials prepare to meet in Saudi Arabia this week, President Donald Trump has privately made clear to aides that a signed minerals deal between Washington and Kyiv won’t be enough to restart aid and intelligence sharing with the war-torn country, according an administration official and another U.S. official. More: NBC

Sen. Lindsey Graham, R-S.C., on Sunday warned of potentially disastrous consequences for Ukraine if the Trump administration doesn’t restart military aid and intelligence sharing with the Eastern European nation. More: NBC

Rep. Lauren Boebert (R-Colo.) was slammed on social media and accused of hypocrisy over the way she criticized Rep. Al Green (D-Texas) for heckling and pointing his cane toward Donald Trump during the president’s speech to a joint session of Congress last week. More: HuffPost

President Donald Trump was triggered by Washington Post White House correspondent Michael Birnbaum when he asked a pointed question about Russian President Vladimir Putin. More: Mediaite