The media still sucks

It’s Tuesday. There are 699 days until the midterm elections. Trump starts threatening war, what the incoming White House press secretary really thinks and the media really, really sucks.

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. That’s why it’s not allowed to hang out with the other newsletters.

Note: Howdy, Sexy Patriots! It’s so great to see you looking all Sexy and Patriotic today. Especially when so many other folks are choosing to go with butthurt and hypocritical these days. People are getting dehydrated crying tears over the Hunter Biden pardon as if we didn’t just elect a goddamn rapist to be president. We wanted to be fair about this so yesterday we listened for good-faith arguments against the pardon. And then we decided fuck that shit.

We are now living in a poorly-written Mad Max movie. As such, we think Joe “Dark Brandon” Biden should go absolutely nuts and do whatever the hell he wants to. We’re calling it Poop the ‘Lute! #PoopTheLute Basically it’s a call-to-action campaign to bring Americans together to encourage President Biden to take a giant steaming shit on the Resolute Desk in the Oval Office his last day as president. We’re picturing ceremonial stairs, some velvet ropes around a portable presidential crapper and a trademark Joe Biden wisecrack just before he pops a squat and grunts out a Donald. Because seriously why the fuck not?

In other simpler times, we probably would have had a problem with this pardon or at least be willing to entertain a debate about it. But we just watched Americans reelect the dumb sonofabitch who literally attacked our own fucking Capitol after he ran a campaign promising endless chaos, violence and stupidity. How the hell is anyone trying to judge Biden right now? Especially with the bloodthirsty incel assheads Trump is priming for the Justice Department!

So yeah, we’re on Team Joe Do Whatever The Fuck You Want. And if that includes the president of the United States dropping his pants and Pooping the ‘Lute, then we will have made a difference. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: Joe Manchin wants Biden to pardon Trump too. Pardon us while we tell Joe Manchin to eat all the shit. Here’s the only Joe Manchin news you need to know…

Note three: South Korea’s president declared martial law last night. We don’t know what that means, but it probably ain’t good. More: NPR

Note four: We ALWAYS read every word that Garrett Graff writes, and his latest about Kash Patel at the FBI is downright chilling. We don’t subscribe to that rag anymore, but hopefully this gift link will work for all of you. More: NY Times

Note five: Everybody get ready for a big told-ya-so moment when the federal government shuts down right after Trump takes office because Republicans are too dumb and mean to govern. More: NBC

Note six: For the next four years, we’re all just gonna have to do the opposite of whatever RFK Jr. says…

Note seven: Ted Cruz went on Hannity last night and made fun of Joe and Mika for kissing Trump’s ass. If it was us, we would not have gotten out of bed today. Jesus how humiliating. More: Daily Beast

Note eight: Some really good news out of Wisconsin for public employees. Yeah, we were surprised to see good news too. More: WSAW

Note nine: Some asshole in the Michigan statehouse is calling for making gay marriage illegal again. Let’s all pretend to be shocked that Republicans are hateful bigots who were never gonna stop at trans people. More: CBS

Note 10: Elon Leon Musk had a bad day yesterday, and that makes us smile. We also hope it burns when he pees. More: AP News

Note 11: Dude could have just said no, but we all know that would have been a lie. Maybe the drunken rapist should be bigger news than Hunter fucking Biden.

Note 12: North Carolina Republicans lost a shitload of elections last month, so they’re doing a massive last-minute power grab to take all the power from the people who were elected. They are definitely getting sued over this shit. More: AP News

Note 13: The NYT had a big story yesterday on RFK Jr. being a heroin addict and a scumbag who kept a diary of all the women he cheated on his wife with. So yeah, definitely talk more about Hunter Biden, assholes. More: Futurism

Note 14: A cop was accused of raping and tormenting Black women. He got busted and was supposed to go to trial yesterday. He killed himself instead. Fucking coward. More: NBC

Note 15: Trump told Canadian PM Trudeau that Canada should just become the 51st state. America fucked up real bad. Real bad. More: HuffPost

Note 16: Thank you Rep. Jasmine Crockett for this. We are already disgusted with the appeasers we’re seeing out there. This ain’t fucking tiddly-winks. This is fascism, and we gotta fight!

Note 17: Wait. There’s a story about a brothel and CEOs, politicians and military officials?! Why the fuck isn’t this bigger news?! More: Axios

Note 18: California is doing everything it can to protect its citizens from Trump. What a totally normal country we have. More: HuffPost

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we take you to Paris, France where workers show us that even the most fucked up shit can be repaired. A good lesson for those of us preparing to watch American democracy burn…

Note 20: And on that glorious note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all are making it through the end days of America. And we sure hope you’re getting ready for the fight ahead. Or at least ready to cuss and mock a bunch of shitheads. Love y’all!

Here we go

Trump isn’t even in office yet and he’s already threatening a broader war in the Middle East. In one of his unhinged online rants yesterday, Trump said that if all hostages aren’t released by the time he takes office “there will be ALL HELL TO PAY in the Middle East.” He went on to say that “those responsible will be hit harder than anybody has been hit in the long and storied History of the United States of America.” So yeah, goodbye calm negotiations and hello threats of nuclear war. Sigh.

More: BBC

Yikes

Karoline Leavitt is the next White House press secretary. And she seems to have some of the same problems with Trump that we do. Yeah, CNN discovered that Leavitt deleted a bunch of tweets that praised Mike Pence for certifying the 2020 election and even said nice things about the corporate police. Then she turned around and ran for Congress (and lost) as an election denier. So we know she’s a soulless liar who will lie about anything. In a way, she’s the perfect pick for the job.

More: CNN

Goddamnit

This isn’t really news, but we did want to take a second to lose our shit over the Hunter Biden coverage. Trump has nominated actual fucking rapists to terrorize our nation and destroy some of its most fundamental principles and the national news media is losing its shit over a gun charge. First of all, this is America where we treat gun safety like a damn joke. But now we’re supposed to get all excited about a guy having a gun for two weeks? Second of all, Trump is making pretty crystal goddamn clear that he’s going to use DOJ to go after his enemies. Why wouldn’t Biden protect his son from that shit? Hell, we’re hoping he protects all of us from that shit. Anyway, the news media sucks and they’re only going to get worse. Thank heavens for this cussing newsletter.

NO LINK

Today’s clips

Republican senators who met Monday with Pete Hegseth, President-elect Donald Trump’s pick for defense secretary, brushed aside sexual assault and other allegations against him. More: NBC

Britney Spears can celebrate her 43rd birthday with the news that she’s now legally a single lady. More: HuffPost

“Y.M.C.A.” singer and co-writer Victor Willis of the band Village People defended President-elect Donald Trump’s use of the song Monday on Facebook. Willis denied that the disco tune was intended as a “gay anthem,” saying he “knew nothing about the Y being a hang out for gays” when he wrote the lyrics. More: NBC