The Tesla takedown is working

It’s Tuesday. There are 602 days until the midterm elections. The Tesla takedown is working, shutdown watch and the Trump economy ain’t doing so hot.

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. It gets like that when soulless billionaires fuck up its country.

Note: Hey there, Sexy Patriots! How the hell are you today? Sexy, patriotic and totally fucking horrified by everything you’re seeing? Yeah, us too. We’re also remembering that the stupid comes in many different shapes and sizes when Trump is president. There’s normal stupid, like fucking with social security or screwing over veterans, and then there’s Trump Brand Wacky Fucknuts Cartoon Stupid. This is from the second category…

Now that’s some Trump Brand Wacky Fucknuts Cartoon Stupid. We can’t get fucking eggs, but Trump has time to make sure a famous nazi lunatic is armed to the teeth? Thanks to the pardon attorney who rightly thought it was a bad idea to let a very angry man with a history of alcohol abuse and racist outbursts have guns. Because why not just attach an AR-15 to an antisemitic water wiggle? Unfortunately, that’s just the kind of idiot Trump wants walking around packing. You never know when you’ll need another white Jesus movie or a famous face to attack the U.S. Capitol. Don’t you wish we had a president who knew that Lethal Weapon wasn’t real life?

This is our government now, America. If you don’t let Mel Gibson have a gun, then the president fires you. It’s really, really fucking stupid. And probably really fucking dangerous too. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: Lara Trump said last night that we should be kissing the feet of Trump and Elon Leon. We’re not kidding. She really said that. In return, we’d like to invite her to kiss our asses, eat all the shit and then fuck all the way off. More: Huff Post

Note three: Ukraine launched a major drone attack on Russia. We bet Trump cried about it. More: NBC News

Note four: The brain worm ex-junkie asshole says the key to beating measles is diet and exercise. That is some really dumb shit, so instead people should get the vaccine. More: Huff Post

Note five: Is it possible our party is learning how to message? We approve.

Note six: We are still so fucking mad about Gavin Newsom’s new bromance with Charlie Kirk. Thanks to Media Matters for reminding us what a racist asshole that guy is. More: Media Matters

Note seven: Elon Leon is coming for our Social Security. We fucking dare him. More: Associated Press

Note eight: That dipshit also tried to blame Ukraine because his janky social media site kept breaking yesterday. The hacker group Anonymous actually took credit. We don’t care who did it. We’re applauding all the same. More: BBC

Note nine: A judge stopped Trump from deporting the Columbia protester ICE tried to disappear in the middle of the night. There are real concerns and criticisms about those protests, but we’re a country where you can express an opinion — even a shitty one — without being kidnapped by the government. More: Yahoo News

Note 10: Check it out. An actual American hero calling bullshit on the South African who accused him of treason…

Note 11: According to Wisconsin Democratic Party Chairman Ben Wikler, Elon Leon has poured more than $8 million into the state’s Supreme Court race. Recent polling shows voters there aren’t paying much attention, and we really need to win this race.

Note 12: Southwest Airlines is gonna start charging for bags. Thanks, Trump. More: CNBC

Note 13: They’re voting in Greenland’s parliamentary elections. We hope the people who hate Trump win. More: NBC News

Note 14: NASA is getting rid of its chief scientist. We don’t even have a joke for this stupid fucking shit. More: Science.org

Note 15: We were both big Hillary guys, but we want to show some love to Bernie, who has been taking it to Trump and the billionaires.

Note 16: Trump is attacking Canada again this morning, announcing even crazier tariffs and again calling for the proud nation to become a state. He’s going to declare a national emergency on energy since Canada is threatening to cut off the stuff they give us. This is all very, very stupid.

Note 17: It’s Tuesday. Are there elections where you live? Well then get your hot ass out there and vote!

Note 18: The Philippines is sending ex-President Rodrigo Duterte to the Hague for murdering people. How the hell is the Philippines better at this shit than we are? Or right. No Fox News. More: Associated Press

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we drink the tears of billionaire scum. The richie rich shiteaters who joined Trump at his inauguration have lost more than $200 billion why the ass they kiss fucks up the economy. While it sucks that this is happening because Trump is tanking the economy, we do hope these assholes end up in the gutter. More: Raw Story

Note 20: And on that delicious note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope your week is off to a good start. Unless you’re Mel Gibson. In that case, you can eat shit. Love y’all!

Boo-hoo
That apartheid asshole’s cars ain’t been doing so well. In fact, Tesla has been eating shit as it freefalls in the stock market. Until this morning. What changed? Well Trump and Hannity said publicly they are going to buy Teslas to support the billionaire butthead who wants to fuck up Social Security. Trump even says it’s “illegal” for us to protest Elon’s exploding cars. We doubt the rebound will last, but it sure is nice to see how desperate these dirty sonsofbitches are. More: CNBC

Shutdown?
House Republicans are hoping to vote today to pass a short term funding bill to keep the government open. It does not appear any Democrats will help them pass it, so they can’t afford to lose more than the one Republican they’ve already lost and who Trump called to primary last night. We expect this will pass the House, and then we’ll watch as Democratic senators sell us out and agree to this measure that cuts funding from Medicaid and veterans. Vance is on Capitol Hill this morning making the push and the message from the White House is hey don’t worry we’ll just ignore whatever spending we don’t like. It’s a pretty shitty way to run a country. More: CBS News

Oops
The stock market was already off to a rough start this morning when President Asshead announced he was doubling the tariffs against Canada. We’re honestly waiting to see how much of a bloodbath today will be. And while the stock market isn’t the economy, we think people’s retirement accounts are still pretty damn important and besides, Trump loves to brag about the market when it’s doing well. Congrats to every dumbass who thought this idiot would be better for the economy than the woman who wanted to help you buy a house. More: NPR, NBC News

Today’s clips
At least two Ivy League universities abruptly stopped hiring faculty Monday, partly prompted by fear the Trump administration could move forward with plans to make steep financial cuts in research funding. More: NBC News

Nate Vance slammed his cousin JD Vance on Monday over the vice president leaning into pro-Russia talking points during an Oval Office clash with Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelenskyy. More: Huff Post

The Senate confirmed Republican Lori Chavez-DeRemer to be President Donald Trump’s labor secretary on Monday, with over a dozen Democrats backing the former House lawmaker. More: Huff Post

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