Today’s Big Stuff 7.29.24 | The Vice President puts up a monster number in just one week

It’s Monday. There are 99 days until the general election. Elon Musk shows how dangerous he can be, Dark Brandon takes on SCOTUS and the Vice President puts up a monster number in just one week.

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. But it ain’t never had sex with the furniture.

Note: Huddle up, Sexy Patriot! It’s TBS Pep Talk Time. It’s that time in the calendar when shit gets real. We are now double-digit days until the election. There is no more putting anything off. We are engaged, we are fired up and we are going to keep this feeling going for the next hundred days and beyond. What feeling is that? Well the feeling of absolute joy we get from making fun of Jello Dingus (JD) Vance of course. 

Jordache Doodienugget (JD) is the gross gift that keeps on giving. He’s a dick in a box. Every time that dumbass opens his mouth, more dumb shit comes out. Remember when Rudy Giuliani gave that press conference and it looked like he was having diarrhea out of his forehead? Well if you put that forehead diarrhea in a bottle and then froze that bottle and then used a second-rate ice sculptor to make a human being statue out of the frozen Rudy face poopie, then that would be Jiminy Dickfeet (JD) Vance. 

So here’s something we never thought we’d say — please keep talking, Jethro Droopynads (JD). Let the people of America see just how gosh dang weird you really are. Or just crawl back under the weird rock from which you came. We’re good either way. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: On a serious note, we’ve got 99 days to elect Vice President Kamala Harris and save this country’s hot ass. Last week was one of the most fun weeks in American politics we can remember. We’re so glad to be in this battle with her and with y’all. Let’s do this thing. 

Note three: We know you know what’s at stake, but just in case you need a reminder, Iowa’s six-week abortion ban went into effect today. More: NBC News

Note four: Trump made clear this weekend that he hasn’t changed. No shit. Now someone tell the gullible morons in the mainstream media. More: Huff Post

Note five: It sure looks like people like VP Harris more than they like Trump. Probably because she’s not a psycho asshead who attacked our Capitol.

Note six: Thank you to everyone who has joined us on Substack. Let’s keep it going so we

can replace the ass-kissing hacks at the New York Times. We promise not to fuck with Wordle.

Note seven: Republicans spent the weekend insisting they are not weird. They also spent the weekend angry because the Olympics made them cry. More: Huff Post

Note eight: The White House is reminding the Teamsters today that 600,000 of them have their pensions still because of Joe Biden. Maybe something to consider before your a-hole leader goes and gives a speech at the Republican convention. More: The White House

Note nine: Mirin Fader, one of our favorite sportswriters working today, is out this morning with a new profile of Brittney Griner. More: The Ringer

Note 10: Mayor Pete spent his Sunday feasting on Fox freaks.

Note 11: President Biden and Vice President Harris are going to Houston this week to pay respects to the late Rep. Sheila Jackson Lee. More: Texas Tribune

Note 12: Andy Beshear spent his weekend campaigning for VP Harris in a red Atlanta exurb. And hundreds showed up. More: AJC

Note 13: HUGE congratulations to Lady Gaga on getting engaged! More: CNN

Note 14: Holy shit just when we didn’t think we could love her anymore, VP Harris made a virtual appearance at a ComicCon Simpsons panel. She even quoted one of the show’s funniest political lines of all time. More: Hollywood Reporter

Note 15: We really don’t say this enough, but we sure are big fans of the Second Gentleman…

Note 16: Are y’all like us and having a total blast watching the Olympics? The women’s soccer game Sunday was so much fun. And is Simone Biles actually descended from Greek gods?

Note 17: Btw, that thing where we make fun of Vance’s real name started out as a silly joke that made us laugh, but apparently dude actually has changed his name a bunch and we have no idea what it really is. So we’re sticking with Jiffy Drippywiener (JD). More: Associated Press

Note 18: Mark Meadows is asking SCOTUS for a favor. He’ll probably get it because they’re corrupt and they suck. More: Huff Post

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, the FDA is approving a new blood test to detect colon cancer. We fucking hate colon cancer. Please either try this test when it’s available or schedule a colonoscopy. Sam’s mom died from colon cancer, so we take this stuff pretty seriously, and we love you and we want you around. More: NBC News

Note 20: And on that stern and emotional note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all had a great weekend. We know you had a better one than the couch sex guy. Let’s make this week as awesome as last week, shall we? Love y’all!

Scary new world
So Elon Musk is now using his massive platform on twitter to push deep fake videos of Vice President Kamala Harris. Yeah, Elon broke the rules of twitter by retweeting a fake video of VP Harris, removing the word “parody” and adding no notes. The post was viewed 100 million times. We know Elon has completely lost his shit and gone total red hat, but this is beyond the pale. We’re not lawyers, but we’d sure love to see the Harris campaign throw some high heat to try and nip this crazy shit in the bud. More: Associated Press

Git ‘em
Dark Brandon is out with a new op-ed in the Washington Post today going after a deeply corrupt Supreme Court. Biden is proposing a series of reforms for the high court, including term limits for justices, a binding code of conduct and no more immunity for crimes by presidents. This should be common sense stuff that gets bipartisan support, but everything is stupid right now. Still, it’s damn good to see the White House finally going on offense here. And we were thrilled to see VP Harris endorse this course of action this morning. More: Associated Press

Let’s go!!!
Just how big was VP Harris’s big first week? Pretty damn big. Over the weekend, the Harris campaign announced that the VP raised more than $200 million. In a week. That is just unheard of. Of those donors, 66 percent were giving for the first time. Oh and they signed up 170,000 volunteers. Just incredible. Something’s happening, y’all. And it feels so good. More: CBS News

Today’s clips
Former President Donald Trump has agreed to participate in a victim interview with the FBI focused on his attempted assassination, a bureau official told reporters Monday. More: NBC News

Electoral authorities claimed that Nicolás Maduro, Venezuela’s deeply unpopular president, had won a third term in Sunday’s election, sparking accusations that his authoritarian regime had committed massive fraud to steal victory from opposition candidate Edmundo González. More: NPR