Tomorrow is Election Day

Today’s Big Stuff. November 4, 2024.

It’s Monday. Tomorrow is Election Day. Trump gets lost (in many, many ways), the VP team is closing with some fireworks and it’s about that time. 

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. And to be honest, it might pray a little tonight too. It will of course be a cussing prayer.

Note: Well, Sexy Patriots, how are you? Yeah, us too. We’ve been overcome by joy and purpose and a sense of hope in these closing days, but there’s just no getting rid of that orange cloud of fear that’s been hanging over us. Well at least not until tomorrow. And truth be told, we feel pretty damn good about things. Trump has completely imploded, and the VP seems to have found an extra gear. The vibes, as the kids say, are immaculate. We believe in our heart of hearts that we are about to win this thing. And there are some people we need to thank for that. 

To all the women Sexy Patriots — thank you. Thank you for saving our dumb asses yet again. We’re so sorry our fellow dudes keep being assholes and making shit terrible, and we’re so damn grateful to you for pulling our pecker out of the pencil sharpener yet again. We’re sorry to burden you with this like we do pretty much everything else, but you seem to be the only ones who haven’t lost their goddamn minds. We’re sorry it took being stripped of basic human rights to drive home the fragility of American democracy, and we are damn determined to fight with you to get them back. Anyway, thanks again for stopping America from sticking its head in the shitter until we all drown. We really appreciate it. 

And to all you Sexy Patriots, we ain’t won shit yet. So let’s keep giving it all we’ve got. One more day, you gorgeous lovers of liberty. Y’all have a blessed day. More: CNN

Note two: So Trump is leaning all the way into the idea of putting the brain worm guy in charge of our health. Of all of Trump’s bad ideas, this might be the worst. And that sonofabitch attacked the Capitol. If you know anyone who is on the fence, just teach them about polio. More: CNN

Note three: If you happen to live in Erie County, Pa. or know someone who does, well that would be a helluva coincidence. But we’re posting this here anyway…

Note four: Just a reminder that if/when Trump loses tomorrow, there is a very real possibility he goes to jail at the end of the month. As if you needed more incentive. More: CNN

Note five: These recordings about Trump and Epstein really should be a bigger story. Is it just too shocking and heinous for the mainstream media to believe it? Or are they just too corrupt to report it? Let’s hope it’s the former. More: Huff Post

Note six: Hey while we’re thanking women for saving America’s ass, we want to give a special shout out to Jen O’Malley Dillon, the genius behind much of the success the Harris-Walz campaign has had. We also suggest you check out this video she put together with campaign attorney Dana Remus. It’s good for the heartburn.

Note seven: We don’t want to get ahead of ourselves or give this loser asshole any credibility, but Nate Silver had VP Harris pulling ahead of Trump in the EV yesterday and winning the EC 270-267. To quote Limp Bizkit, keep rolling, rolling, rolling. Also, we’re sorry. We promise to never quote Limp Bizkit again. 

Note eight: It’s pretty wild how obviously full of shit Montana Republican Senate candidate Tim Sheehy is. He’s been telling people he got shot, but now he says there aren’t any medical records of it. Dude, it ain’t a scrape on the knee. Elect Jon Tester, Montana. He’s not full of shit. More: NBC News

Note nine: Remember when Trump said he couldn’t “imagine” the racist shit from his Madison Square Garden rally would be a “big deal?” Well it was. It is. 

Note 10: Trump had Herschel Walker speak at his Georgia rally last night? Wasn’t the FBI missing his expertise? It actually was as hilarious as you’d think. Walker introduced Trump as Don Jr. and then called him “Jonald.” And honestly we’re thinking about going with Jonald from now on. More: AJC

Note 11: The VP didn’t even use Trump’s name at her rally last night. That’s even better than Jonald. More: NBC News

Note 12: ABC News asked Trump if it’s possible he could lose. Seems like a dumb question to us, but we thought we’d share the answer. More: ABC News

Note 13: DeNiro was tailgating for VP Harris at the Eagles game in Philly. How cool is that shit? More: Fox29

Note 14: You know what’s really funny? Jeepers Dorkass (JD) Vance would actually get bigger crowds if he had sex with couches on-stage. People will show up to see some freak have sex with furniture. But nobody is showing up for this boring incel bullshit. More: Twitter

Note 15: The VP voted yesterday. While she voted by mail, the time for that has past for most voters. So please either go to a poll in person or drop your ballot in a drop box if they have them where you are. If you need it, go to iwillvote.org to find your polling place. More: Associated Press

Note 16: We’re just gonna put this right here…

Note 17: You have to love this cameraman. He’s the boy who pointed out the emperor had no clothes even though the rest of us have been saying that shit forever.

Note 18: RIP to superstar producer Quincy Jones. What a life. More: Associated Press

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we take you back to last night and the VP’s rally. She’s talking about momentum…

Note 20: And on that uplifting note, let’s go do some news! Thank y’all so much for joining us in these final days and hours. We’re so fucking grateful. And if you’re a woman, that goes quadruple for you. Love y’all!  

A lost loser
This is one of those hilarious things that’s really not funny or it wouldn’t be if Trump wasn’t such a piece of shit. But because he is we can laugh at what an absolute poopshow the last few days of his campaign have been. Yesterday his dumb ass said he should have never left the White House, said he wouldn’t mind if the press covering him got shot and then he totally forgot which state he was in or who he was with. Well we can help. He’s in a state of insanity, and he’s with a bunch of assholes. What a disaster of a finish. 

Tonight we party
We’ve worked hard, y’all, and we’ve still got more work to do. But tonight the VP and her team are closing with a badass GOTV celebration to applaud all we’ve done while firing up people to get out the vote tomorrow. They even got Lady Gaga to do the Philly event along with Oprah, Ricky Martin and the Roots. DJ Jazzy Jeff is gonna be there too! Katy Perry is headlining in Pittsburgh, and they’ve got other special guests in the critical states. We assume the other side has Scott Baio eating mustard packets in a parking lot in Phoenix or some shit. More: Variety

It’s that time
Ok, folks, you don’t need another pep talk from us, but you’re getting one anyway. We know the players. We know the stakes. We know we’re on the right side. Now we just have to give it all we’ve got until the polls close tomorrow night. Get at it early tomorrow and send a message. Let the press know it’s gonna be a blue day in every way. Thank you, from the bottoms of our hearts, for everything you have done and will do for this nation. It’s part of what makes you so damn sexy. We’re happy to be in this fight with you. Now let’s go win this fucking thing, SPs. 

Today’s clips
The close and uncertain battle for the White House has taken center stage this year. But Congress will play a major role in implementing (or blocking) the next president’s agenda — and the fight for the legislative branch is coming down to the wire. More: NBC News

NBC gave former President Donald Trump two minutes of free air time on Sunday night after his competitor, Vice President Kamala Harris, made a surprise appearance on “Saturday Night Live” this weekend. More: Huff Post

Rep. Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif.) warned voters that Donald Trump’s recent rambling rally appearances are evidence of “cognitive deterioration.” More: Huff Post

Here’s when the last polls will close in key states on election night, and what to expect from vote reporting. More: CNN