What’s in those texts?!

Today’s Big Stuff. January 24, 2025.

Happy Friday. There are 648 days until the midterm elections. Trump’s raid snares a veteran, the White House encourages plane crashes and the sick freaks of the House GOP.

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. And thank goodness because shit got all fucked up in a damn hurry.

Note: Welp, Sexy Patriots, that was just about the longest goddamn week ever. It was a week in watching in horror as our worst and most obvious fears were confirmed and decades of progress on countless fronts were wiped out in front of our eyes by angry, cruel, racist, sexist, sexless, fucked up, limp-peckered, shit-eating, leg-humping monsters. But at least we can afford eggs again. Right?

Oh what the fuck? Wasn’t that the goddamn deal? America sells its fucking soul to a demented gameshow host and his idiot gang of Ku Klux Kiss-asses and in exchange we get cheaper groceries and gas is free or some shit? Next you’re gonna tell us Russia’s illegal war against Ukraine is still happening. Hell, we’re starting to think that Trump isn’t actually gonna do any of the shit he said he was during the campaign except pardon a bunch of cop-beating dirtbags.

We’re really confounded by this, so please do us a favor — if you have friends or family who voted for Trump, please ask them why the effing fuck eggs are more expensive now? Tell them it’s on them that you can’t afford a fucking omelet but the nazi salute guy is getting a goddamn tax break. It probably won’t break through, but it’s worth a shot. Y’all have a blessed day. More: KCUR

Note two: Some butt-smooching goober named Rep. Andy Ogles out of Tennessee is making a push to change the Constitution to allow Trump to serve a third term. Andy Ogles can eat shit. Probably Trump’s. And don’t worry. This ain’t happening. More: Axios

Note three: You will not be shocked to hear that White House press secretary Karoline Leavitt is a damn crook. Lock her up! More: NOTUS

Note four: Remember when Trump pretended to be a moderate on abortion and the most gullible full-of-shit reporters in history fell for it? Well he just pardoned a bunch of assholes who messed with abortion clinics. More: NBC News

Note five: Like we said in the advisory — shit got fucked up quick. Y’all take care of yourselves.

Note six: Pete Hegseth keeps somehow getting worse. And he started out pretty goddamn awful. We now know Hegseth paid the woman he’s accused of raping $50,000 to settle. We also know that Susan Collins and Lisa Murkowski are voting against him. If McConnell does too, then Vance will have to confirm this asshole. How shitty are things that these are the fucking sleazebags we’re counting on to do the right thing? More: Associated Press, The Hill

Note seven: UnitedHealth got a new CEO. Um, good luck, bro. More: CBS News

Note eight: Jeffrey Epstein’s best friend, Donald Trump, is releasing FBI files on MLK Jr. and JFK but not Jeffrey Epstein, who was Donald Trump’s best friend. More: CNN

Note nine: Marjorie Taylor Greene wants to force people to call it the Gulf of America. But we’ll call it the Gulf of Adam and Sam Suck Pig Nuts before we’ll call it that silly Trump shit. More: Yahoo News

Note 10: Well don’t this just tell the whole damn story…

Note 11: We’re not linking to Politico anymore, but we are linking to this story that links to Politico because we’re shocked that a White House staffer would say that Trump “doesn’t have any leverage” over Elon Leon. Wow. What a cuck. More: Mediaite

Note 12: Speaking of the nazi guy, he made a bunch of nazi jokes yesterday. And even the ADL was like too far, sir. More: Axios

Note 13: BIG news yesterday as a Reagan-appointed judge in Seattle blocked Trump’s birthright citizenship bullshit. It’s only a small sliver of hope, but we’ll take it. More: Associated Press

Note 14: We’re sending love to Jim Acosta and middle fingers to the chickenshit weasel who took his time slot from him. CNN is a mess, and somehow manages to keep getting worse. More: The Independent

Note 15: Dear other Democratic officials — this is how you do it…

Note 16: Mark Zuckerberg is having Instagram and Facebook delete posts about abortion pills. So fuck Instagram and Facebook. These nerds are out of control. Could someone please give them a hug or a wedgie? More: MSN

Note 17: Tennessee’s congressional delegation is on top of shit. Hell, just yesterday Tim Burchett was telling Matt Gaetz about all the aliens that live in the ocean. And these are the motherfuckers in charge of our health?! More: CBS News

Note 18: If you’ve been praying for Southern California, please add another one today as a certain orange asshole is paying a visit to the state where he will spew gibberish about water and raking forests and then try to extort the Americans who live there. More: KTLA

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we want to thank the good people of Costco. We always knew that place kicked ass, but it’s so encouraging to see them standing up the hate and sticking to their commitment to diversity, equity and inclusion. Hope, y’all. Hope.

Note 20: And on that bulk note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all are doing ok. Please remember to take breaks from this shit. The main thing to remember is you are not alone. We’re all trapped in this hell together. With cheaper eggs. Oh shit. Love y’all!

Note 21: Because we all need it, here’s the Peanuts singing Tom Petty…

Smooth move
Trump’s un-American raids to deport undocumented immigrants got off to a Trumpian start this week when dipshit’s ICE accidentally confronted citizens, including a military veteran in a raid in Newark, N.J. Thank you to Newark Mayor Ras Baraka for calling this evil shit out. And thank you to the Trump administration for being as incompetent as they are cruel. This will get worse and there will be more horror stories. Brace yourselves, SPs. More: Axios

WTF?
As Trump takes a wrecking ball to the federal government, it’s fair to wonder if air travel is about to get real goddamn dangerous. The AP reports that Trump fired the head of TSA and gutted a “key aviation safety advisory committee.” Seriously?! Like we get that he’s dumb and doesn’t care if we all die, but surely it’s bad for his brand if planes start dropping out of the sky. The committee was mandated after the Lockerbie Pan Am bombing, so it would probably be a good idea to not fuck it up. But here we are. More: Associated Press

These guys
As bad as Trump is, House Republicans might be worse. And that’s really fucking saying something. What’s left of the Washington Post reported yesterday that an aide to Mike Little Johnson told his fellow Republicans that they shouldn’t subpoena former Trump aide Cassidy Hutchinson as part of their bullshit Jan. 6 rewrite history committee because it might allow for “the release of sexually explicit texts that lawmakers sent her.” The words you’re looking for are WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK?! As Talking Points Memo’s Josh Marshall pointed out, these texts from Republican members of Congress would have come when Hutchinson was speaking out against Trump, so they were more likely sexual threats. So they can’t call a witness because they might have sent her rape threats? It’s so horrible and yet so plausible. Just when you think these disgusting freaks can’t get any worse, they get so much fucking worse. More: Independent

Today’s clips
When Robert F. Kennedy Jr. visited in June 2019, Samoa was on the brink of crisis. More: NBC News

JD Vance’s first sit-down interview as vice president has been granted to Margaret Brennan, the moderator of CBS’s “Face the Nation.” More: Huff Post

President Donald Trump suggested in an interview that aired Thursday night that Ukraine should not have fought when Russia invaded it. More: NBC News

The Gulf Coast is digging out from a once-in-a-lifetime snowstorm that struck from Texas to Florida, closing airports, crippling roadways and leaving freezing temperatures in its wake. More: ABC News